Whats the best/diplomatic/kind yet firm answer to this manipulation?

[lovenotwar149]

I have been asked to bake a cake for a relative's b'day. It's a big milestone b'day btw. Short back story....
In line with FIRM boundaries for over 2 yrs now, they know I wont come to this event. I have maintained low contact for a year with them now, after no contact before this.Things are civil, certain topics will not be discussed with me anymore, they know this and don't go there anymore.
This request is a manipulation, and I am proud of myself to be able to see that clearly now with no ill feeling towards this person for asking this of me. Its not a surprise! (Wow,the progress is showing in myself!)
I want to remain civil, this person does not like NO ....at all.
What's the best answer ppl? I'm not making the cake fyi.

Go with “I’m not able to” or “No” if you’re happy to say that.

Personally I’m not faffing about anymore with people like this so I would be saying a flat “NO” but I understand if you feel it’s too blunt.

it isn’t your responsibility to find an alternative.

and don’t get sucked into back and forth about why you can’t / won’t do it.

never explain. never make excuses.
keep words to the minimum.

Craftycorvid

Ice the word ‘no’ on the person’a forehead if you have to!

lol lol lol

I agree. Don’t lie, OP.

Sent, it read....

No sorry, wont be able to. Hope he (name) has a nice birthday.

Phew!! Thanks again ppl :)

I didnt lie, that feels good internally

Do they know you were NC and LC?
Do you think this is a stealth way to reel you into the party?
I have a LC relationship with my Dad and actually am quite honest with him. I don't try and sugar coat or soften what I say. I either say it or say nothing.
Just keep it simple.
No, I can't help you with that.
If they ask, you can say too busy, having a break from cake making, whatever is more plausible.
If they continue to ask I'd probably say, I don't want to get involved with your birthday. (I'd skip the middle part but have been LC for best part of a decade so it wouldn't come off as unusually hostile)
I'd just say no and then not respond to the fishing questions.

👍👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Beamur

Oh they know...they know

Well done.💪

Perfect. Well done!

You don't have to explain yourself OP and certainly don't apologise for refusing. You can just say 'Unfortunately I can't' If they ask why, don't answer.

Have you got a sprained wrist?

😂 good. I ask because periodically my Dad pretends all is well and thinks I won't notice.

'No. I will not be baking your cake, and since we barely communicate I was surprised to be asked'.
Why not just tell it like it is?

Just the fact that you're walking on eggshells around this request tells me you should probably be even lower contact than you already are. I would tell them "No, I'm not going to do that" and refuse to answer any further manipulative texts.
The only effective way to deal with people like that is to refuse to deal with people like that.

No

just say no

the end

I'm not doing the cakes anymore - this was my response when everyone used to expect free cakes, if they asked why I said they ended up taking ages and costing me a fortune

That is a good reply. Well done for standing firm. I know how difficult that can be.

Simple: I don't have time

If they reply, just ignore

I would have replied "Sorry, got too much on, but I hear Colin the Caterpillar always goes down a treat" 😂.

Your reply was good.

Follow up text to the inevitable queries about 'but whyyyyy' can't you do it:

'Because I don't want to'

Well done for standing firm! In situations like this, I like to channel my inner Phoebe
”Oh I wish I could, but I don’t want to” 😁

"Thank you for thinking of me, I have considered it carefully, but I wouldn't want the responsibility for making a cake for such an important occasion. Hope you have a lovely day, all the best, OP"

It's not the same thing exactly but what has worked well for me in the past (for crocheted things) is saying "You could make one for yourself, it's not as hard as you think, just needs a bit of time and practise. I can recommend some really good YouTube channels if you like." Invariably they would say "Oh no, I don't have time for that." But that was generally other parents at the school gate or similar relationship, not difficult relatives that I was trying to go low contact with. It's probably more conversation than you would want to have with this particular person.