Wife’s walked out on me after 30years and says she doesn’t love me !

[Blimeyagain]

My wife of 30 years together—15 years of engagement and 15 years of marriage, filled with ups and downs—has walked out on me and is staying at her single female friend’s house. She has come back a few times to do things for the kids and, on occasion, has even cooked tea for us. I spoke to her three days after she left, and she told me she didn’t love me and had been unhappy for a long time. This came as a shock to me because we have always had a great social and sex life, and we’re often out socializing with friends.

Recently, we’ve had some heated arguments, though she only once threatened to leave. I managed to talk her around that time, and everything seemed fine the next day. However, during another argument, I told her to “shove it,” and this time, she did. She walked out and has been staying at her friend’s house ever since.

She’s been gone two weeks now, and there’s no sign of her wanting to move back in. When she comes around, if I don’t bring up the subject of getting back together, it’s almost like she never left. We get along great during these visits, but when it’s time to leave, she simply says, “Right, I’m off now,” and returns to her friend’s house. She gets on really well with her single friend, who has a nice house, and she has told me she can stay there as long as she wants.

She’s going through the change at the moment as well, so I know that doesn’t help. But in 30 years of being with her, she has never said she doesn’t love me or not come back home after an argument. She’s never had a situation like this before, with a single friend who has a house she can use at her will, so I know that’s not helping the situation either.

But I can’t carry on like this. I need to know where I stand. I’m not here just to be friends with her—I need more. I want us to get back to how we were.

Every time I approach the subject, though, it doesn’t go well. She seems to me like she’s had enough of me but still wants to be friends.

@Blimeyagain It looks like your wife finally decided that she'd had enough and has left you for the final time. Best to accept it and have an honest discussion with her about the future as your children need to know what's going on.

Come on everyone having a go at him for referring to his wife's age "the change" wasn't the best thing to say. But judging by the fact he's been with his wife 30 years suggests he's a slightly maturer man and that expression did use to get used a lot.

Give him a break.

@ByLimeBalonz angry feminists lol

So true!

What age are the kids? I get the impression they are older teens?

She didn't up and leave on a whim. This is something she's been thinking about for a very long time and something happened that triggered her to leave. She might have been waiting until the kids are old enough not to need her so much?

Somebody on the thread suggested you might think she is having an affair with the woman she moved in with, probably because you said they had known each other for four years but became close four months ago. Do you think this? It certainly isn't unheard of and I know of two women who left their husbands and children to be with another woman.

If this is the case, then you don't have anything to save.

It is now a matter of sorting out practical things in particular speaking to the kids together and making sure they understand what is happening.

If my DH moved out, I would not be pleased if he re-appeared as and when he felt like it. A proper arrangement needs to be put in place. Will she want to sell the property? Can you buy her out?

Just interested.... how old are your children?

Seriously?

I would just like to have another go and see if we can get through this, but at the moment, that doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen. At least if I try and it does go sour again in a few months, I’ll be more at peace with it all and feel more acceptable about it

I agree with @Seaoftroubles. It’s time for a proper discussion.

The two big issues are the children and finances. Depending on their ages, access needs to be set up instead of her turning up when she feels like it. If you’re currently paying for everything for them, she needs to start contributing as well.

It’s going to be rough, @Blimeyagain, but you need to get serious about the future. If she wants out, it’s time to discuss these things. No more wandering in and out of your lives.

You're only going to get angry feminists on here this time of night

FFS

I hope this doesn't come across as too blunt, but can we start with whether you are a dad or a lesbian?

Dad

@Blimeyagain I don’t think you are being left in limbo. From what you have posted she has made it clear. She is leaving you, ending the relationship, staying with a friend until she sorts out a rental.

You wrote: She seems to me like she’s had enough of me but still wants to be friends.

That’s because you have kids together. It is in their best interests that you and her maintain friendly terms. In some divorces or separations parents are not able to be amicable and maintain a friendship. But for those who can the children fair much better.

You are not in limbo. You are in a place of having to accept that your marriage is over. You cannot force or coerce someone to remain married to you. She is allowed to end the relationship.

I mean.. this is usually how the script starts.. no?

So that's what you want, what does she want? Do you know why she was unhappy? Have you asked? When you say 'try', what does that look like? It indicates you know what you need to do to make her happy, why did you not do that originally?

You may find she's just done.

What were you guys fighting about? How do you split the mutual responsibilities? (Child care, housework, bills, etc.?) Does she have time for herself and her wants/needs in her day-to-day life? Did you do thoughtful things for her, and make her feel loved according to her love language?

I agree with other posters, that you need to get her to sit down and have a proper conversation, but if you want to get her back, you need to come to the table ready to listen, fully apologetic for anything you might have done wrong, and promise to take specific actions to help moving forward.

I think 'talk her around' is a big clue- some time on the past your wife wanted to leave after an argument but rather than her changing her mind you had to convince her to stay Why did she want to leave and what did you say to make her change her mind and stay? Did you promise to change in some way? Did you honor that promise? I think you'll find all you need to know in those answers

I can see why she left.

Hi op, I’m going against the grain here but I think you’ve been given a really hard time unnecessarily.
welcome to Mumsnet! This place can be vicious at times but is on the whole generally supportive, especially in relationships so I’m sorry you’ve not got much support here tonight.

this happened to my brother, 4 kids and together for over 20 years and yes she left him for a woman who she’s still with but looks miserable as sin, he’s met an amazing woman and been really happy with her for years, more common than you think but I’m not saying or suggestion this is what your wife is up to.

i echo the pp who said to ask her what’s going on once and for all so to speak as you feel in limbo and you will have to accept that ultimately you cannot change her mind if it’s made up but you can let her know how you feel and know you’ve tried to salvage the marriage. The next best scenario here is that you’re both amicable for the kids and minimise any disruption for them. You will be ok! Wishing you all the best op.

Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry you have had such awful responses OP.

It sounds like you love your wife and want her back. Show me a couple who haven't said the wrong thing to each other in an argument.

What I would suggest is that you ask if you could try to speak to your wife and explain how you feel. Say that you want to understand more about how she is feeling. Actually listen. Tell her you love her (if you do) and that you want her back and what can you do to put things right. If she gives any indication of being open to reconciliation now or in the future put in the work.

Keep your chin up. Life is long and either she will come home, or she won't and there will be a different path and adventure ahead. Well done for providing much needed stability for your DC.

Can we all try to remember that this is a real person who has come on here looking for support, and as far as his post reads his worst crime is losing his temper and saying the wrong thing in an argument. I would be amazed if that hasn't happened to every single one of you at some point. Ffs 🙄

@Blimeyagain

OK, if you've been together 30 years, you're somewhere in your 50s or older I'd guess. DH and I have been together close to 40 years, 36+ married, so I'm not a spring chicken.

First thing, take a good look at yourself. This hasn't come out of the blue. I'm not saying you've been a 'bad' husband but before you try to talk to her about working on things, try to figure out for yourself just what YOU may need to work on. I say this because of a friend of DH's who, after announcing he was going to retire in 3 months, came home one evening to a half-empty house and half-empty bank accounts. He was absolutely gobsmacked. But no one else in our 'circle' really was. He wasn't violent or verbally abusive. He was just extremely self-centred and never gave a thought to what she wanted or what was important to her. She left because while she could deal with that when he was gone 40-60 hours per week, she knew that having him around 24/7 was more than she could bear. Again, I'm not saying this is you. Just showing that someone can think they have a solid marriage and be happy themselves and never see what is right in front of their nose.

If you do talk about it with her and she's decided she's done, then she's done. Don't attack or accuse. Just keep your dignity and let her go. You'll be glad in the end that you did.

Yes, almost everyone has lost their temper and said the wrong thing in an argument at some point, and that does not lead to their partner moving out. It’s fairly obvious that there are other substantial issues at play, which the OP is continuing to evade discussing.

There could be loads of other things, relating to OP or not, that OP knows about or not. That's why he should talk to her. But I don't think it's fair for him to be attacked based on an assumption that this unknown factor is him unless he has indicated it is (which I don't think he has).