Affair

[doesanyonecare]

36 years ago I had an affair with a guy I worked with . My partner at the time worked at the same place . This guy wooed me for months and I constantly refused his advances for months and months . Eventually I gave in and we ended up having sex a few times . After the affair ended I confessed all to my partner . He was devastated naturally but forgave me . I've never gotten over the guilt of it all and feel extremely bad for what I did .
Even to this day my now husband refers to this saying he constantly thinks about it when things happen in day to day life . He is sometimes horrid to me and says it is due to hating me for what I've done but he just can't get over it . Today he's said it will haunt him till the day he dies .
I'm absolutely distraught that I'm causing him daily misery still to this day . Is there any way for him to get over this or am I going to feel guilty forever .
I don't know how things can get better . Please don't think I don't regret what happened as I genuinely do every single day

36 years ago? Wow. You need to go to a couples therapist or you need to split.

You don’t have to cast yourself on the ground for the rest of your life OP.

You were wrong, but he forgave you and married you and is now using it as a stick to beat you with. If he can’t get past it, then he needs to split up. 36yrs ago though!! I think he knows exactly what he’s doing and playing on your guilt to abuse you. Tell him enough is enough or it’s over

I have wondered this . He said I'm lucky he didn't kick me to the gutter when it happened . It's almost as if he's got some sort of hold over me due to me being unfaithful . I broke my heart today when he said it will haunt him to the day he dies . The guilt I feel daily is unbearable

I think after 36 years, he needs to sort himself out! Can you go to couples therapy?

When we've had issues before and I've mentioned counselling he always refuses to go

You made a mistake, you owned up to it and he supposedly forgave you. Casting it up 36 years later is bullshit. It happened, if he can't deal with that you need to split. By the tone of your post it sounds like you're torturing yourself over something you cannot change, and he's tormenting you because he knows you feel awful about it. That's cruel imo

He didn't forgive you. If he had, he wouldn't still be throwing it in your face all these years later. Regardless of what you do and why, no one should have it used as a stick to beat them forever more.
Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? I wouldn't, and would tell him that if he ever uses it as a weapon again, that the marriage is over. He chose to continue the marriage, he doesn't get to choose to continue to punish you forever. What he has done and continues to do is far worse, far more pernicious than a brief affair several decades ago.

You're right I am . I can't tell you how terrible I've felt today but then I think well I deserve this as I was in the wrong

It's like I feel like I have no right of reply as I did wrong .

Until a few years ago before the changes to no fault divorce.. you could only divorce for adultery if it happened in the 6 months before the filing for the divorce.
Any longer time period you were deemed to have accepted the infidelity.
Also you were not, as previous posters have said, actually married when you slept with another person so it's not even an affair.
He sounds remarkably nasty and not at all careful of you and your feelings.
Counselling for you would be a gift you need to prioritise.

36 years and he has not made peace with it?!
If I were you I would leave. Separate. Let him really realise what he has lost. Let him consider if he is able to never mention it again. Wait and see if he comes back.

You've got to try something. Can't go on like this.

Maybe it has hit him more now than it did before. Did he find out new info later? Sometimes the little things dawn on you, the extra lies and who must have known. When you are younger, you can be more happy go lucky but the seriousness may come out as you get older.

No nothing more has come out or changed at all . Just every so often it rears its ugly head and it knocks me for six every time

I do feel like I can't go on like this your right

I think you may be right counselling for me would help enormously

If it puts it into any kind of perspective, I haven't even been alive for as long as he's held this grudge and I'm married with DC. I don't know why you'vre allowed him to psychologically torture you for so long.

Yes you did a bad thing 36 years ago but how many times over that time has he beat you with that.
He never forgave you in the slightest and still takes it out on you.

Do you question he genuinely feels this strongly? I do think you can be shocked at the beginning but as life goes on, the betrayal feels worse, or taints what should feel happy.

No he didn’t forgive you. I don’t think people ever really do forgive that.

The first thing you need to do is forgive yourself. Decide that you have been punished for more than long enough, both by him and yourself and that you are not going to accept this ongoing mental torture.

I agree that counselling for you could help you to unpack why you still feel guilty that happened half a lifetime ago. And help you develop the skills to stand up for yourself.

You do not deserve this treatment op. He is bringing it up regularly to keep you down and be able to abuse you with it. There is no other excuse.

I imagine you're a completely different person now than you were 36 years ago. People change so much over a lifetime. What you did caused him a lot of pain but it was nearly 40 years ago and I'm sure it must feel like another lifetime to you. I'm assuming you've been a loyal and honest partner ever since, so he's punishing you for something that you did when you were really a different person. You deserve to move forward from that and not have one (relatively) tiny part of your life be the thing that defines your whole existence. He is also doing himself a huge disservice by allowing it to define his.

He is being very unfair to continue to judge you by one mistake and not by the countless other ways you've enriched his life over the decades you've given him.

Because I've felt so damn guilty for what I did ... reading these comments makes me realise I'm not a terrible person just a person who made a mistake once .

Where you just dating him, or living together? How long had you been a couple at the point it happened?

No just dating for 6 years not living together

Yes totally loyal and honest ... I was 24 when this happened and I'm now nearly 60