Affair

[doesanyonecare]

36 years ago I had an affair with a guy I worked with . My partner at the time worked at the same place . This guy wooed me for months and I constantly refused his advances for months and months . Eventually I gave in and we ended up having sex a few times . After the affair ended I confessed all to my partner . He was devastated naturally but forgave me . I've never gotten over the guilt of it all and feel extremely bad for what I did .
Even to this day my now husband refers to this saying he constantly thinks about it when things happen in day to day life . He is sometimes horrid to me and says it is due to hating me for what I've done but he just can't get over it . Today he's said it will haunt him till the day he dies .
I'm absolutely distraught that I'm causing him daily misery still to this day . Is there any way for him to get over this or am I going to feel guilty forever .
I don't know how things can get better . Please don't think I don't regret what happened as I genuinely do every single day

Had you decided he was the one you would marry, or was it wait and see? 6 years is a long time tbf. I thought you were going to say a few months.

I didn't know I would definitely marry him at 24 no ... we married when I was 30

If you decide to reconcile with someone no one says you need to forget but you have to eventually be prepared to forgive. Whilst I would normally say there are no timelines on things like this…. 36 years and a whole lifetime together…. He needs to forgive or let you go and live your life.
More importantly you need to learn to forgive yourself. You’ve proven that despite all the “once a cheater, always a cheater” tripe people like to spout, it simply isn’t always true. Even after 36 years of- frankly- emotional and mental abuse you’ve been subjected to you have stayed faithful.
If you can properly learn to forgive yourself he will lose the power he has over you to keep you with him. Once he loses that it will be in your hands to decide whether you want to be in this kind of relationship or whether you want more. That’s probably what frightens him. That it won’t be guilt keeping you there and he’ll have to be someone worthy of your affection.

Tell him you understand he can't get past it so you are setting him free. And leave. Once divorced you need feel no further guilt. Both of you can heal and build new lives free of the past. However, I'd be surprised if he really wants to lose his whipping boy ... You deserve better.

You absolutely do not deserve this, it's like psychological torture: you can't change what you've done in the past, you have presumably apologised a billion times... he needs to let go, or you need to move on. You deserve better.

I really do appreciate all your comments on this matter and it's really made me think long and hard about this situation

So this happened right at the beginning of your relationship? You didn't get married for 6 years after it happened. And he chose to marry you after it happened. He had more than enough opportunities to decide not to pursue a relationship and marriage with you if he felt he couldn't trust you. Let alone 30 years since marriage. Affairs take, on average, 2-5 years to recover from. Sure, there are outliers, but this is so far beyond being an outlier.

For context, I have been cheated on. I have forgiven and remained married. I have never brought up his affair in a fight. That was one of the conditions we put on deciding to reconcile, that while we could talk about it if I wanted, I would never use it against him. No one should live with that threat hanging over them.

I would seriously consider leaving him at this point, and certainly would be putting a boundary in place with him that if he ever weaponises it again, that you will leave (as long as you are prepared to follow it through).

I feel so sad and angry on your behalf that this man is being so cruel and has broken you down like this. I would be willing to guess that this is not the only problem in your marriage, that he is controlling and domineering in other ways, and uses your guilt to keep you 'in your place'?

I wish I could give you a hug.

Op this is not right by any means and not justifiable. As others have stated there are possibly other issues that are under lying.

Show him the post or read it to him, and tell him how you feel again and agony you have. He may arrive at his senses.

Good luck OP.

He needs to get a grip.

This is really unhealthy and quite sick and twisted. Your partner seems not to love you or even like you and wants to control you.

I think therapy would really help you explore how what you learned when you were young might have put you in this position. The guy you had an affair with manipulated you into it and after that your partner has spent decades using it to control you. Do you feel you can stand up for yourself about anything or are you constantly cowed? How are you outside of your relationship? Do people at work or family push you around?

I do feel he uses it to control me yes . He's got the upper hand all the time over this . It's like if I mention him and other women straight away he comes back with don't start on me u are the one who did the dirty . I'm quite a strong person in everyday life I've never had any other relationships just him and I do let my family control me to a certain extent . I feel guilty telling them I can't do something for them and then worry and mither over it . I always feel that I have to please people . A councillor I saw years ago over my depression told me I live my life in guilt over so many things . She knew nothing of this issue might I add .

Leave him and let your life begin at 60

You've got to stop the self hate OP.

Can you explain what you mean with him and other women ?

Oh that's very sad. You must have felt very lonely going through this. Please look at getting a counsellor who will really boost your confidence. I think with some help you will find the strength to move forward with your life and leave this pretty nasty man behind. Putting strong boundaries with your family with really help you. You are entitled to say no to anything you don't want to do.

Yes like if I'm feeling very insecure and he goes off to work all clean shaven and smelling nice I start thinking things . Just lately he's been so very miserable at weekends . I feel like he's unhappy not being at work then and ask him why he's unhappy when he's home with me . But I feel I can't express my concerns because he will come back at me with the same old answer ... don't question me when you've done the dirty

I disagree that he needs to forgive you to reconcile happily. But he may need to forgive himself for reconciling. And he needs to be honest. As do you.

For example - If he assumed it was a deal breaker then he forgave you he may hate himself for forgiving you. This needs to be dealt with.

It sounds like you are remorseful and were honest with him at the time.

Cheating causes a form of PTSD. What books have you read op?

He may just be abusive or he may be very traumatised and stuck. I would read books like how to help your spouse heal from your affair. And ‘not just friends’ and Gottmans work and discuss at length with him. If he won’t discuss then you may need to leave and move on and enjoy your life.

Emdr for him may help if he still has triggers. The surviving infidelity website may be useful too. Good luck op.

Just read your update. Not being able to question things isnt acceptable at all.

I will echo what @FairyMaclary has said, being cheated on can leave the betrayed partner with a form of PTSD. It sounds like he hasn’t fully processed the trauma. He may well not benefit from standard couples counselling (if he was willing) and should probably seek a therapist that is trained in trauma recovery.

I doubt an affair can ever be truly ‘forgiven’, it’s something that needs to be accepted. The most important thing is that you both want to move on from the affair and have a loving, supportive and successful marriage…if he doesn’t truly want that then any attempt to improve the situation will be pointless. It sounds like you don’t communicate particularly well together. Maybe start by reading some of the books suggested above?

You can’t live your life like this, it’s torturing you. You’ve lived a long time under this cloud, do you feel some kind of duty to make it up to him? If so please leave and find a new partner and some resemblance of happiness xx

You are understandably unhappy with this situation. How do you think you would feel if your DH let it go and never mention it again? Would you be happier? How is your life together otherwise? Because, tbh, it sounds as though this is not the only issue.

He’s punishing you still. He never should have married you if he hadn’t got past it. This isn’t about him being hurt; hes using it to hurt you.

You don’t think he is using this 36 years ago affair as an excuse for the fact he possibly wants to split up now? Or that maybe he is about to embark on an affair or that he is having one now? I just don’t believe anyone wouldn’t be over an affair that was 36 years ago, especially when you both clearly worked through it at the time, and you’ve been married fairly happily since, it doesn’t add up to me.

This is exactly why confessing an affair or infidelity after its over, ended, and the other person is non the wiser, solves absolutely nothing. It's not a more moral thing to do, being honest in these circumstances doesn't win you prizes. It causes unnecessary upset to the other person. The ideal is that the other person will chose to split, or that you decide to, after all infidelity happened for a reason. But if you stay together, that doesn't mean they will ever get over it, like he hasn't.
How have you stuck it out for 36 years? A year would surely be enough usually. What is it after all this time that made you question it? I think it's safe to say he's not ever going to change his stance after 36 years, so it's still up to you if you want to put up with being berated for it for the rest of your life, or not. Like it's been up to you for the last 36 years. Perhaps you've finally realised that you haven't deserved the punishment, not for 35 of the 36 years, that's crazy.

It's not something he mentions everyday but this week for example he was unkind to me . The next day he text me saying he's got things on his mind and we need to talk . I knew instantly what it was about .
It does make me think he blames this for his behaviour when he is not nice to me .
Our relationship can be good at times sometimes he has bad mood swings and can be not nice

I have wondered this about both things tbh

I'd tell him he has two choices- get over it or leave.
And if he doesn't choose, you will x