Affair

[doesanyonecare]

36 years ago I had an affair with a guy I worked with . My partner at the time worked at the same place . This guy wooed me for months and I constantly refused his advances for months and months . Eventually I gave in and we ended up having sex a few times . After the affair ended I confessed all to my partner . He was devastated naturally but forgave me . I've never gotten over the guilt of it all and feel extremely bad for what I did .
Even to this day my now husband refers to this saying he constantly thinks about it when things happen in day to day life . He is sometimes horrid to me and says it is due to hating me for what I've done but he just can't get over it . Today he's said it will haunt him till the day he dies .
I'm absolutely distraught that I'm causing him daily misery still to this day . Is there any way for him to get over this or am I going to feel guilty forever .
I don't know how things can get better . Please don't think I don't regret what happened as I genuinely do every single day

Whe. You say bad mood swings and not be nice, how bad does he get, op?

Are you happy?

He can be quite bad mood wise . This morning for example he has holidays left at work to take before end of the year . For the last month I have been pestering him to sort out and ask about the situation.
I've asked him to ring work and discuss with his female boss and he will not . He categorically refuses . He's at home this morning with me . He says he will text her . I've pleaded with him to ring and sort it out cus it's too complicated to explain on text and he point blank refuses .
Am I wrong in thinking this is extremely strange why he won't ring his boss while I'm here ??

I wonder if he is having a work affair, or contemplating one? Perhaps with his boss? In that he's now bringing it up, he's miserable at weekends etc. and he won't talk to his boss while you are there.

I suggest you either do some digging and find evidence - can you see bank statements/phone bills for example, or, next time he brings it up you say 'we were not married and this was so long ago, you knew this when we married. I don't know why you continually bring this up when I have kept my marriage vows - can you honestly say to me that your have kept yours? '

Then see what his reaction is.....

I deal with all the banking so I know he's not doing anything there .
A few weeks ago he had a call from his boss about his job and her picture came up . I challenged him about this and he said he had no idea why that was . Nobody else ringing him shows their picture on his screen . I just have a very uneasy feeling about all this

I'd call his bluff. Say you are not taking this abuse which is what it is. You had an affair in your early 20s before you were married. He has abused you for 36 years.

I have a horrible feeling he has used this in his mind as a get out clause when he has acted inappropriately. And I very much suspect he has acted inappropriately outside of your marriage now or in the past both.

Tell him he is an abusive husband and you are ending your marriage and see his reaction. Abd if you stay EVERY TIME he brings it up fire back at him that he is being abusive and you will not tolerate it. His abuse is far worse than anything you have done v

Ok so it was 36 years ago he definitely needs to get a grip! However, have you ever fully taken accountability for your role in the affair?

Your OP reads as though you were just a passive victim in it - you were "wooed" for months and months and "eventually gave in". It's as though you're still making excuses for it or diminishing your role in it. It doesn't matter an ounce that you were pursued and it took a while for you to shag him! It would irritate me if my DH was still framing an affair this way after 36 years.

If he uses an iPhone, this is a new-ish Apple thing, contacts can auto update with their own photos etc (it’s happened to me where I had no photo for my cousin and when he rang me, it showed me his own Apple contact photo), so that doesn’t necessarily mean your “D”H is cheating with his boss.

saying that, he sounds like a tool. You aren’t a bad person, you made a mistake and he accepted it. Look into counselling and working on your self worth as you deserve more.

I absolutely have taken accountability for what happened and have never said any different . I'm not playing the martyr here as the saying goes " it takes two to tango "

Stop feeling guilty right now. Things like this happen in life all the time and it was a lifetime ago. He married you after he found out. It’s ridiculous to have held it over you for so long. You didn’t commit a crime you had a short affair as unmarried young woman .