Dating 2 men

[dating2men]

ifferent men. Met up with both a couple times, and my thoughts were drop one when I decide which one I like more. The trouble I have is I like both. I met both online and was chatting both for similar amounts of time before the dates.

So guy 1 is pretty serious and grown up, lacking the flirty chat if I’m honest but we get on so well. Is open about what he wants longer term and has made it clear he’s attracted to me. The issue is we’re very different in terms of our social compatibility. He’s pretty much living pay check to paycheck and I worry he wouldn’t keep up with my lifestyle. I’m also a bit bummed that the sexual spark isn’t there for me, was a nice kiss but didn’t have me thinking I want to rip his clothes off. Again I wonder if that’s because there is no flirty chat or any sexual innuendos with us. The dates were good as we spent the entire time chatting and time flew by.

Guy 2 is full of flirty chat, but mixed with serious stuff too and very like me. Both our dates have been flirty and fun and again time flew by. He’s established in his career and does seem to have his head screwed on and I think we would work better with each others lifestyle choices. The spark is definitely there for me and the kiss was making me think I want to take this further.

I do like both guys 1 for being pretty straight with what he wants longer term and our deep chats. 2 for all the flirty stuff but the chats not being so deep right now (happy for this to build in time).

Should I keep seeing both to see which one has more potential or should I rule one out now. I know longer term I want someone I can have both chemistry with and build that strong connection. I also don’t want to have to compromise on my lifestyle choices and holidays etc.

I don’t want to be the person leading both along but at the same time I like both for different reasons. Half of me thinks guy 2 would be the better match but worry he’s just saying all the right things then disappear if/when we sleep together (although he has said he’s willing to take it slow). The other half thinks guy 1 is the better match as we can have the deep chats etc now but the lack of sexual spark and different ways of life makes me think that longer term it would fail or I would resent him.

How long is too long to string both along? It’s not what I would normally do as I tend to focus my energy on one at a time.

No advice but this sounds really fun

I'd ditch number one and go for the other guy.

Don't settle for no spark, don't string no 1 along either, that's cruel to what sounds like a nice respectful guy. If 2 shags and runs then you have lost nothing, and at least had a hopefully good shag. 1 wisn't right anyway, so nothing lost there. You need something that has both elements. Don't play greedy, it will backfire.

You're not really into 1. Well, you'd make good platonic friends (and you still might - I know several people who became good friends with OLD dates where they had a lot in common but no sexual spark).

And you are into 2 so go with him. If he's not serious well, that's just the risk you take when dating. Still won't make you fancy 1.

Men are often accused on MN of "keeping someone on the back burner" and hedging their bets. It's not seen as positive.
If you're already concerned that you'll get fed up of Guy 1, it sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy. With Guy 2 you seem much keener. Any man could end it after a few shags. You could end it after a few shags, for any number of reasons. Have sex with someone because you want to have sex with them, not because you expect to have a long-term relationship with them.

But tbh, dump both and look for a guy you fancy, like and don't mistrust.

From personal experience when I've dated around and been unsure who to get serious with it's because I wasn't really into either. I think when you know you know. But it depends what you're looking for. If it's just fun and casual then there's no harm done continuing to see both as long as you are honest with them. Also I think that when you're seeing more than one guy it keeps things surface level and prevents anything deeper happening because you subconsciously hold back. It sounds like these men don't meet all your needs so maybe you're better looking for a man who does?

I'd say not number one as your lifestyles are different and the spark isn't there, it doesn't mean number 2 will come to anything either, unless they've bought up the exclusive chat then I doubt they want to be anyway, I think it's one these where one or both will naturally drop off the radar, it's only been a couple of dates in, just see how you feel in the next week or so.

Just to add, the idea of becoming exclusive should feel exciting, like you can't wait to be, keep that in mind, maybe it's neither?

Number one doesn't sound like it's worth continuing with. Number 2 sounds a better match, you're just worried he's not after something serious with you? That's just a risk everyone has to take with a new relationship. And it sounds like you've not had much physical intimacy with either of them yet, no more than a kiss. Sexual compatibility is key to a healthy relationship, so until you've been there with them it's difficult to tell. Number one might come alive in the bedroom! But if he's not giving you any desire it's probably not worth going there on the off chance.

I'd fuck both of them before making any decisions. It's often the quiet ones who turn out to be much better in bed.

Because, of course, an accurate barometer in deciding which man to go for is solely based on "who's better in bed". Stay classy.

You've already chosen 2, or you wouldn't need to ask.

Ditch number one, there's no spark and he sounds more like a friend than anything more. That won't work long term.

See where it goes with number two, look out for red flags that he's just after a shag.

Keep looking if you have the energy.
You are just dating

You've already mentally friend-zoned number 1 (for very good reasons), so I'd dump him. For all you know, he could be the one who is just saying the right things and will disappear on you! And never sleep with someone who doesn't give you the spark when you kiss, nothing is more likely to be disappointing.

I used to give men a maximum of 3 dates - if I wasn't feeling it by then, I wasn't going to feel it.

But keep your options open - keep dating others because number 2 may go nowhere, you don't know yet.

Not my kind of thing if or when it gets to that stage then I'll only be seeing one of them

Yet on dating threads on here men are reviled for keeping women “on the back burner”.

Depressing thread.

OP just date with no worries, honestly as long as you are safety concious when it comes to contraception and are not putting your self at risk.

But the 1st one sounds like he will end up living though you, meaning whatever road life takes you, he will just happily tag along, and that gets so boring in the end. If you are going places, and he is just meh about life, it will infuriate you in the end.

Man 2 sounds ok ish too, they all sound good at the start in all honesty.
if man 2 gets what he wants, but then gradually drifts off the horizon, you know he will be a bread crumb man who will simply shower you with love one minute, then drift off again, and again, and again. But if man 2 has his shit together, and you two get a spark, then number 1 will gradually fade into the shadows.

Thanks all, I think you're right. I need to break things off with number 1. Maybe we can be friends but that's all I think it will ever be. I do need the spark and chemistry in a relationship.

I'll just see how things go with number 2, I know there's no guarantees but worth a shot.

That's good, you should decide soon, not string 2 along. As pps said, if there's no chemistry w 1 don't continue. 2 more doubtful, what's he after? But if you have sex he may stick around, if you like him & seem compatible it could be fine. It sounds like 1 needs someone a bit more sedentary, I hope he finds someone too.

I think people are being unfair saying 1 would just tag along & isn't going places. Just bc he has a low income doesn't mean he's not ambitious. Maybe he's just relaxed & needs someone similar. I agree OP was right to break up, neither is wrong, just different. Just felt the comments about him by pps were a bit unfair.

Totally agree

And here's our Graham with a quick reminder...

I think you need a number 3.

Dump no1, keep dating no2 but be open meeting more men

If no one is getting hurt crack on.
I once had 4 on the go fun times.
But it was just fun no strings attached no one got hurt.

He’s pretty much living pay check to paycheck and I worry he wouldn’t keep up with my lifestyle.

Unless this is likely to change, I wouldn't bother continuing to see him.

You could try to be mates but he may not be interested in that, and even friendship can be tricky with people with quite different incomes & lifestyles.