now i know the 'truth' about DH's friendship with this woman - how do i move forward?

[naivemum]

in feb i posted on here as i was suspicious of a friendship between DH and a woman at work.
there were late night texts, phone calls, and messages on facebook, although i never saw anything i could claim as being threatening to our marriage, i felt the amount of contact was inappropriate. Shortly after i posted that thread, i found out through facebook, that he had arranged to meet her one evening on a job (he has to work some evenings for a job seperate to the one he works at with her), he didn't tell me about it, and when i brought it up with him, he told me he waas going to tell me, but hadn't done as they'd only arranged it the previous day. he knew how I felt about her, but had made the arrangement anyway, sneakily behind my back. I went mad about it and he said he'd been picking his moment to tell me as he knew how i'd react. Anyway he never took her, and things were quiet for a while, in fact he told me that he'd 'distanced himself' from her at work.
A few weeks later I found a text from her saying she was 'not avoiding him at work, but being careful as people were talking' I had no qualms about reading his texts as far as i was concerend it was self preservation and trying to protect our marriage. I brought it up with him, and this time, I was on the verge of leaving, I had had enough of the lies and sneaking around and being told total crap, but he said it was one person who had amde a comment, and that's what offices were like, he only went to lunch with her a couple of times and people would gossip etc.. etc. For the sake of the kids I have stuck it out. But at easter he had popped out and i went on the internet and found he had been using hotmail and I knew he hadn't used a hotmail account in years. I found 2 emails to her.. one sent at the beginning of feb ' what we did lead me to think something might have happened...now i know it never will. So back to normal. the other had been sent the day before...'thanks for listening to me today, i needed to talk things through, now you know how i feel, and i know how you feel (and always did really), you mean so much to me and always will and i am glad you will always be there for me.
At this point I picked up the phone to her and asked her outright what is going on with my husband. She swore to me on her mothers life (i think she still lives at home with her!) that nothing had happened, she said she respected DH as a married man, i asked why people at work thought something was going on, she basically denied everything. When DH got home i showed him the emails I'd seen. His account of things was as follows... at their xmas party she had tried to kiss him (i suspect it was more mutual than this), he says he brushed her off, she was pissed, she made a mistake, which is his expalination for the 1st email. In spite of this he says she has been a really good friend to him while things have been stressful at work but he knows he can't remain friends with her as it is threatening his marriage, so he says she does mean alot to him, but his marriage means more.
I am not entirely sure what I believe...this was 4 weeks ago, although i was ready to leave this time, i have stayed as i believe we can rebuild things. However it is so hard, i can't bear him going to work with her...it is monday morning again, and I am sitting here in tears because he is there with her. As far as i am aware the texts, emails etc...have stopped (unless he has made another account??!!), I am struggling to trust him, and findig i am on a rollercoaster, with some days being great and other days I want to rip his head off. He still maintains that he hasn't actually been unfaithful and i wonder if i am over reacting, but the sneaking around has made it difficult for me to trust him, he might as well have been unfaithful.
I realise I have written an essay here, if anyone is good enough to read and and give me some advice or support, i would be very grateful, by the way i have told no-one about this as I can't bear that thought of people judging us and gossiping.

I really feel for you, this kind of thing eats away at you and as for bloody Xmas parties they always makes things worse!!!

If I am totally honest I feel that you wont rest until either he or she leaves that job. How else are you supposed to rest when he leaves to go to work in the morning. Unfortuntely trust isnt always enought particularly when it has already been abused to a degree. They obviously do have an attraction however much they might not want to and its rare that these things arent acted on at some point even if they live to regret it. If they were just mates, the kiss would never have been attempted.

I wish I could offer more comfort to you honestly.

Naivemum, I'm really sorry you're going through this and think I'd feel the same in your situation. That said, it seems fairly clear that they are not having an affair. It sounds like they are close friends and there is some attraction. It happens, none of us can help the way we feel, the only thing we can control is what we do about it. I think you're reacting in the same way as most of us would, so no, you're not over-reacting, but some how you have to try to believe him and trust him. Try putting your energy in to reminding him why he married you and why he resisted this other woman because he wants to be faithful to you. Not saying it'll be easy, but by making life difficult for him,you're more likely to make him receptive to any future advances she might make. Keep posting, lots of people here to support you.

" asked why people at work thought something was going on"

I would answer that with the simple fact that 'people at work' always think there is something going on. It's part of the nature of working in an office that a little smoke gets worked up into a towering inferno within very little time.

I've had friendships with men at work that are totally platonic. There might well be some attraction but nothing serious and nothing comes of it.

on one hand it IS possible she has been his platonic friend whilst he's been having probs at work and has been unable to talk to you if you've said you were about to leave then obv it has been strained and he has sensed it too.
However, regarldess of the not been anything actually happen, i would be devastated at the intamacy of thier relationship, the fact he hadnt spoken to me, that he KNEW how she felt about him and is still(giving him benefit of doubt here) thinking its ok to be close and friends with her!

never been in this situation myself and others may kknow better, but i think he does need to move jobs if he does want your marriage to work, he has brought this prob upon himslef..how would he feel if it were you??..would he be happy to see you go to work every day knowing someone has an atraction to you who once kissed you???, could he 'get over that'?? doubt it..i also think you need to talk..BIG TIME, either through counsellor or just the two of you alone, no kids neutral ground..tell hi what you think how you feel and what you want, ask him to imagine what he owuld feel if it was you.

I really hope you can get it sorted out chick

oh and i too ahve been accused of 'something going on' with a guy at work..i adored him(like a brother) but i could say anything to him and obv to some people that was odd...we NEVER did anything AT ALL NOTHING between us like that(i even wanted him to be godfather to my daughter)and in the end a new girl started working with us, he started having an affair, ended his relationship with girl he'd been with for donkeys years(who knew me and liked me-felt no threat to our relationship) and marrying her..allin a whirlwind..so when they were watching him and me, they should have been watching him and her(incidentally, SHE didnt like me or our freind ship, so i neevr see him now)

So to tie that up...he MAY have just found someone to talk to but shes took it a step too far???

Ormirian - if it was just 'people at work thinking something was going on' i could cope with that, but there's a lot more too it.

He has told me that he felt he couldn't talk to me and that he could talk to her about work problems etc. however he can come up with all the excuses under the sun to excuse it, the way he has behaved is still wrong.

We have really tried to make an effort recently, going out more as a couple and talking instead of sitting in front of the TV, but when i have tried to talk to him about this particular subject, he says he doesn't know why it got like this, why all this happened, that I mean everything to me and our marriage and children are more important to him than anything. i guess i want a proper explaination, but i am not going to get it.

Yes, naivemum - I can see it's a lot more complex than that and I have huge sympathy, I really do. I was just responding to that particular comment. An office can be a bit of a hothouse for gossip, malicious and otherwise.

I have a little experience of something similar to this, and I really sympathise. It does sound like your dh wants to be with you, and it doesn't sound to me that he has had an affair. However, the intimacy is very hurtful. If he is saying that he'll pull back from his friendship with this woman because the marriage is more important then at some point you have to believe him and make a go of it.

If I was you, I would prefer it if he got another job, but this may not be possible.

And as for wanting a proper explanation - I never really got one and it did bother me at the time (he always maintained that there was NO attraction or flirting, which I am convinced there was). But a few months on, this really doesn't matter any more. Try and judge him on what he does now to improve your relationship. As long as he puts this friendship behind him, you don't really need to know all the hurtful details.

whitesheep - i can see that you are right, and sometimes i think if i had a 'blow by blow' account, i would be forever going over and over it in my head, but at the moment, what exactly happened is basically what i can piece together from what i've found out, the rest is left to my imagination, not sure if that's a good thing or not. i didn't sleep well last night and i find myslf going over and over it in my head. I don't think DH has any idea how much i think about it. Particularly when he is at work. Although i have told him that i think about it every day.
Getting another job isn't really realistic, he gets paid well for what he does and there arent really any other comapnies round here that would offer him the same.

After i had spoken to her on the phone at easter, she sent an email to DH that night which i read, she sounded quite upset and I am hoping that i have frightened her into backing off as well.

the thing that mostly annoys me is the fact the if she did attempt to kiss him at xmas, and he obviously realised she wanted more than friendship wouldn't the sensible thing to do be to cool the friendship?
I put this to DH he said he didn't want to lose her as a friend, or more like was loving the attention far too much

My h has had an affair - and believe me if there is nothing go on then it is only time - those sort of emails are not healthy and with attraction it will happen. He will not be able to see that now and will not believe it.

By covering his tracks so far he has just made things worse not better. What will happen the day when you have had a row and she is there - he will regret if he doesnt 'just go for it'. These things may seem innocent but often they are not.

I dont think he wants to end your marriage - he probably doesnt ever think it will get to that point.

But you cannot live your life worrying every time he leaves the house - and that is what you are doing now.

He needs to really know he has over stepped the mark here and make a commitment to you again, if that means changing jobs then please think about it.

This may not be an affair in the true sexual context but he is doing something that is causing you a lot of pain and that is not right.

Also read on a post that men will only tell you the minimum they can to get away with it - and that is so true. If he thinks he can convince you nothing went on then he will try and do that. Sorry just my all too raw experience.

Good luck and try and look after yourself now.

I think your husband is feeling a bit neglected so is loving the attentions of this woman. Even if she's a friend, if she is affecting your marriage he should of dropped her. He may not have had a sexual affair but sounds like he doesn't really need to - other woman is 'being there' for him and he's got you to sit up and take notice. Has your husband used the word 'paranoid'? I think when people do that often they know they're out of order.

Not sure if changing jobs is the answer as may not be too practical. Unfortunately you seem to be in the position that you feel you can't trust him so when he denies it, its hard to believe him. I would try and calm things down a bit otherwise it will stay as this huge deal for all 3 of you. As for this woman 'respecting' the fact he's married, that's crap. She isn't. She's affecting that marriage and she knows it.

I had a friend at work who was getting married. We were good friends and he helped me through a difficult time with my then husband (he was a git, I left him). However, when said friend got married, he totally distanced himself from me and we don't see each other anymore. I think this was down to his wife but people move on and I respect their decision to conduct their marriage/social life however they chose. Nothing happened by the way, we were mates. There was no attraction.

forgot to say, undertand where you are coming from and would probably feel the same.

I told dh about one of his female friends at work had a crush on him (you know you can tell sometimes) I think he knew and was quite flattered but he wanted to invite her to our wedding. I think that 'cured' her!

Sorry, didn't mean to be frivolous.

great esacape - oh yes - he's told me I'm paranoid...amongst other things, when i 1st broached it with him, back at xmas, when the late night texts started, he also described her as 'one of the lads' !
By the way, on top of this i am 10 weeks pregnant. i found out the day after i found those emails, i was devastated, such bad timing. DH however was really pleased i think he see's it as us moving forward. that's all he keeps saying when i bring the subject up ' i thought we were putting this behind us and moving on, lets not look back, let's try and make things better'
typical man, let's pretend it never happened and it will go away.

I thought one of my exes was having an affair with a work collegue. I used to accuse him constantly. In the end we spilt up and I was heartbroken. He never ever did have an affair they just got on well.

If you want to stay with DH you have got to believe him or it will never work. I know it sounds awful but you have got to forget about it and move on.

Yes, 'paranoid' if oft used to get out of sticky situations... >nods sagely<

My dh is the worlds worst for not wanting to talk about certain things (ie when he has behaved badly). Its very much, the moment has gone, therefore, its ok. that actually sounds more optimistic though that he's pleased about the pregnancy and wants to move on, doesn't sound like someone whos thinking of running off with someone else.

Really hard for you to deal with this plus pregnancy when you are so vulnerable but I would try and find a way of talking this through. Tell him you can't stop 'bringing it up' til its actually been dealt with. Having said that, if you do manage to have a heart to heart with him, you might have to move on to make it work. Easier said than done, I know.

I'm am very very sorry, but your husband is having an affair. If you do intend to remain with him, he must go to a different job. And even if there is the remote possibility that he is not actually having an affair, he MUST still move far far away from this woman out of respect for you and your family.
I saw a good friend of mine go through this for 3 years and 2 pregnancies and her husband kept saying it was all in her mind and eventually she found proof (and he confessed) that it had not been. Please do your children a favor and do not let them grow up in a lie.

Sofia - i truly believe that he is not 'having an affair' but i think he has come very close and he has caused a great deal of pain. However to leave him with my children and me pregnant, is really not what I want. both him and me grew up with both parents with reasonably happy marriages. i don't think walking out is the answer.I could not do that to my children. Until a few motnhs ago, we were a happy household, i don't know what went wrong, but to throw it all away would seem like the easy way out. I fight for what I have.
I need help on how to cope with the situation as it is now, so that i can try and build things back up.

he has definately had an emotional affair with her...which is just as bad in my eyes. he cannot expect you to just act as if everything is hunky dory, thats not how it works...the ball is in your court as to how you handle it sweetheart but there is no magic wand that is going to make you feel better instantly. you have been hurt and you need to heal

He may not have had a physical affair but he has had an emotional affair.

?being careful as people at work talking? does imply that there was reason to be careful. If they had nothing to hide then they wouldn?t feel the need to be ?careful? especially in front of their colleagues. I do think that offices can be a hotbed of gossip, but if it was just an innocent friendship then they would have continued it in public without the need to worry about what their colleagues thought.

Secondly he had a secret hotmail account. Why would he need to have a secret account if he only had an innocent friendship? Also this line from an email he sent her ?what we did lead me to think something might have happened...now i know it never will.? Sounds a bit more to me like it was him hoping for something and her telling him that nothing could happen. You did say that it was him writing the emails?

And then ?now you know how i feel, and
i know how you feel (and always did really). When you said it was sent the day before, do you mean the day before the first email? Or the day before you discovered it? Because if it was the day before the first email then tbh it sounds as if it was him making the moves.

I think that realistically the only way for him to earn back your trust would be for him to cut all contact with her, although I realize how hard this is considering he?s not in a position to just up and change jobs. But he?s not been straight with you and imo will continue to not be straight with you because he doesn?t want to lose this woman and still doesn?t see that what he?s doing is wrong.

wannabe - i agree with you about the 1st email. It certainly sounds like he was hoping something might have happened (incidentally - she has a boyfriend as well).
the 2nd email was sent the day before i discovered them, not before the 1st.
I am not under any illusion that she has done all the running. I am sure it has been a mutual thing. God knows what he has said to her....probably ' my wife doesn't understand me' ... it's pathetic really.

he is now trying to pretend that all is ok, then when i have a bad day and tell him i am feeling down, that these feeling won't go away, i can't get it out of my head' he'll just say ' i thought things were ok now' and clam up and get all grumpy about it.

Please can someone here explain to me what this "emotional affair" that people keep mentioning is? Am I having an "emotional affair" with Bear Grylls because I adore watching him on TV and daydream about him? Seriously, why can women not like men, are you only allowed to have eyes for your DH?

Salla, an emotional affair is when you/he are investing feelings and emotions into a relationship, with someone other than your other half, without physcially having sex. It's still cheating, still extremely hurtful to the other person to realise their other half, who they assumed they were in a commited/exclusive relationship with, has those kind of feelings for someone else; and often leads to the reltationship being consummated anyway. But I am assuming you realise this really.. and are imlying that as long as sex hasn't happened it's all fine

If you're one step away from shagging then it's an emotional affair.

Investing all their emotions in 'friend' rather than their marriage. Divided loyalties between 'friend' and wife. Would feel mightily guilty if their conversation were overheard by anyone, especially their spouse.