now i know the 'truth' about DH's friendship with this woman - how do i move forward?

[naivemum]

in feb i posted on here as i was suspicious of a friendship between DH and a woman at work.
there were late night texts, phone calls, and messages on facebook, although i never saw anything i could claim as being threatening to our marriage, i felt the amount of contact was inappropriate. Shortly after i posted that thread, i found out through facebook, that he had arranged to meet her one evening on a job (he has to work some evenings for a job seperate to the one he works at with her), he didn't tell me about it, and when i brought it up with him, he told me he waas going to tell me, but hadn't done as they'd only arranged it the previous day. he knew how I felt about her, but had made the arrangement anyway, sneakily behind my back. I went mad about it and he said he'd been picking his moment to tell me as he knew how i'd react. Anyway he never took her, and things were quiet for a while, in fact he told me that he'd 'distanced himself' from her at work.
A few weeks later I found a text from her saying she was 'not avoiding him at work, but being careful as people were talking' I had no qualms about reading his texts as far as i was concerend it was self preservation and trying to protect our marriage. I brought it up with him, and this time, I was on the verge of leaving, I had had enough of the lies and sneaking around and being told total crap, but he said it was one person who had amde a comment, and that's what offices were like, he only went to lunch with her a couple of times and people would gossip etc.. etc. For the sake of the kids I have stuck it out. But at easter he had popped out and i went on the internet and found he had been using hotmail and I knew he hadn't used a hotmail account in years. I found 2 emails to her.. one sent at the beginning of feb ' what we did lead me to think something might have happened...now i know it never will. So back to normal. the other had been sent the day before...'thanks for listening to me today, i needed to talk things through, now you know how i feel, and i know how you feel (and always did really), you mean so much to me and always will and i am glad you will always be there for me.
At this point I picked up the phone to her and asked her outright what is going on with my husband. She swore to me on her mothers life (i think she still lives at home with her!) that nothing had happened, she said she respected DH as a married man, i asked why people at work thought something was going on, she basically denied everything. When DH got home i showed him the emails I'd seen. His account of things was as follows... at their xmas party she had tried to kiss him (i suspect it was more mutual than this), he says he brushed her off, she was pissed, she made a mistake, which is his expalination for the 1st email. In spite of this he says she has been a really good friend to him while things have been stressful at work but he knows he can't remain friends with her as it is threatening his marriage, so he says she does mean alot to him, but his marriage means more.
I am not entirely sure what I believe...this was 4 weeks ago, although i was ready to leave this time, i have stayed as i believe we can rebuild things. However it is so hard, i can't bear him going to work with her...it is monday morning again, and I am sitting here in tears because he is there with her. As far as i am aware the texts, emails etc...have stopped (unless he has made another account??!!), I am struggling to trust him, and findig i am on a rollercoaster, with some days being great and other days I want to rip his head off. He still maintains that he hasn't actually been unfaithful and i wonder if i am over reacting, but the sneaking around has made it difficult for me to trust him, he might as well have been unfaithful.
I realise I have written an essay here, if anyone is good enough to read and and give me some advice or support, i would be very grateful, by the way i have told no-one about this as I can't bear that thought of people judging us and gossiping.

I have pretty much said that to him. I have asked him to change his attitude as when I get upset about this he get's all defensive, i feel the least he could do is be a bit more understanding, he keeps saying he wants to move forward, but his idea of moving forward is bury your head in the sand and pretend it never happened. I am trying to make him see that it is not going to go away over night, he may or may not have dealt with it personally, but he can't expect me to just fall into line with him, it may takes months or even years.
I can see his point about work, but I am never going to happy about him being there, the only thing i can think of to say is, straight home from work, no working late, no more work do's...but that makes me feel like his mother. On one hand i am going to have to learn to trust him, but on the other i have no reason to trust him.

Ladylush

It is up to us all to frown upon such situations and not do what most do - dont get involved and pretend it is not our business. That is what h work did - typical male dominated firm who i still dont think understand the devistation these situations cause.

My children will get no support if they dare to treat anyone with such little respect when they grow up.

We all need to support each other and if that means me poking my nose in from time to time so be it.

Trouble is when you are in the situation you just cannot see in.

NM your h is just doing what all men do in these situations and sorry but until he fully realises what a complete dick he has been you will not be able to move forward. He will forever see you as the paranoid woman at home. You cannot monitor his every move and shouldnt want to.

Really hope he comes to his senses soon and you can move on. Please dont be scared to stand your ground - you will only feel weak if you dont. Wishing you lots of luck

How about this or this?

I think i have given him an easy ride so far, and my asking him to change jobs came as a bit of shock. He has said to me that he admits he's acted like a complete wanker, but I think he is desperate to get back to how things were before for an easy life...it just isn't going to happen and he needs to see that. I need to set bounderies, and if he's unhappy with that then he has to make a choice.

You don't need to set any bounaries NM - he does.

I was thinking what would I do in your situation - I think I would say that he needs to change jobs. I think it is the only really positive way forward. You have a baby on the way which is a massive commitment from you and I think he needs to do the same. I think life with kids can be fab but also challenging and tiring so now is the time to get all this mess behind you both.

I think you are handling this very well by the way - thinking it all through.

I think something is up here .... they are attracted to each other. She probably fancies your husband, and him being married spices things up, and makes it exciting. As for him I think he is flattered by her attention. I presume she is young (living with her mum) etc.

As ladylush says , I think counselling could really help you both .

Good luck xx

Could I just say that if he is being defensive when you are getting upset there is a possibility that he wants you to shut up about it because you don't know the whole truth and he is worried that if you don't let it lie that the truth will come out eventually.

He should be supporting you. Helping you. Doing anything he can to make things better. NOT being defensive and trying to brush things under the carpet

Agree with CD. He should be hell bent on doing everything it takes. If he isn't, then why isn't he? What do you think about the idea of counselling NM?

I haven't bought up councelling with him, but thinking it might be wise.
everything decends into a row.
I told him he has a lot of ground to make up, i feel why should I make any effort, it should be him that is doing all the running, but he just says that he is trying but whatever he does is not good enough and that I won't let him in, it just gets thrown back in his face, i suppose I am still very bitter and angry.
I don't feel he is trying hard enough...but then i am not sure really what i expect from him.
I think he has been honest with me now (not in terms of the details but....i am not sure i want the details...but in terms of his feelings)
This morning he got up, he never even asked how i was, when i said this to him and was this his idea of making an effort, he just said he could tell from the look on my face that i was in a foul mood and didn't want it thrown back in his face....my opinion is he is going to have to put up with that for a while until stop feeling quite so bitter.
I feel like the most unloved, unattractive woman at the moment and I don't feel like he is doing enough to make me feel any better.

I don't understand this situation: it sounds like your husband got a bit too close to another woman and then pulled back before anything happened. I'd imagine this happens in every office across the country. What am I missing? Why are we talking about ending the marriage or changing jobs?

MP - this is why I asked in my OP whether I was over reacting?
I don't know if you have read that, the close friendship carried on for several months, but I don't believe anything physical happened.
He has been truthful in saying he was attracted to her and that he let his feelings run away, but he put a stop to it and has told me he no longer has any contact with her at work apart from what is stritly necessary.
the overwhelming opinion on here is that he has had an 'emotional affair' and that he should change jobs.

He sounds like he has done the right thing
If he was a tortured soul who was in love with his colleague and was sleeping with her then maybe changing jobs would be a good idea
But mutual attraction is a NORMAL part of working life. Learning to deal with that is part of being a responsible grown-up. Yes he could change jobs but there will be attractive women in every job.
He sounds like he has dealt with it well. It isn't easy.
I don't think that it is always useful bandying phrases about like "emotional affair". I would use those phrases for cases where someone is deeply in love with someone else and dating someone else but hasn't consummated it, despite wanting to. I wouldn't use it of a close friendship, even if that friendship has veered into inappropriate flirting etc - by that account most people working in offices would be having emotional affairs! It sounds like she wanted it to go further and he said no and has moved on. A perfectly good response and I think a useful learning experience for your DH.
By all means pursue couple's counselling if you think there are issues that you could do with discussing in a professional/neutral environment - I think it is a great tool for increasing your communication skills with each other. But I don't think it's necessary in order to beat him over the head continually with this experience.
Just my 2p

I agree with you MP that if he has indeed done the right thing then he should not be beaten up over it coninually - however he has been very sneaky and having been in this situation i do think the 'guilty' on tell the minimum to 'get away' with it. Now is the time for complete honesty and openness including his feelings.
Yes he may be feeling bad and want to move on but NM needs more from him at the moment.

If he had been completly honest in the first place there would not be the loss of trust to re-build.
He had offered to do whatever it takes and if i remember correctly said he would change jobs but is now back-tracking and somehow making NM to be in the wrong.

This is again classic imo - he will say he does not want to talk as he will feel bad and then eventually NM will have to put up and shut up.

I have been through a similar experience.

Last July i found some flirty text messages on DH phone. He said she was someone he used to work with who had a crush on him and they still kept in touch every now and again via emails, texts and work do's. I text her and she said that although he flirted she never beleived he would take it further and nothing ever happened.

I felt so hurt and betrayed for the first few weeks, i couldn't eat or sleep and all i did was ask questions about it all. I went through so many scenarios in my head which made it worse.
But at the same time i didn't really have any reason to doubt him as we had a good relationship in all areas.

I changed and was a wreck and lost all confidence. one day we had this argument and i blamed him for turning me into an emotional wreck. It was at that time i realised that i couldn't go on like that any more for the sake of my two lovely children.

He said that he didn't want to lose me and has deleted all her contact details. He hardly goes out on work dos any more for fear of upsetting me.

He admits that he was stupid and enjoyed the attention she gave him and should not have encouraged her.

It does hurt but hopefully it will be something you will get over. I dont think i will ever forget what happened but going over it in my head again and again did not help. I feel like i have moved on now and it makes me happy that he choose me over this stupid cow!!

I can relate to so many things that you have said and the hardest part of it all was that i could not tell anyone because i was embarrassed that i was treated that way so i bottled it all up.

Hope you manage to sort it out and good luck with your pregnancy.

clubtropicana - thankyou, you have made me feel better....i think that's all it is, but i have been torturing myself, snapping at him and kids, feel unattractive and unwanted.
I have felt today though that I need to move on, i need to be grateful that he didn't take it futher, he obviously valued his marriage more than that - I have to look at it like that, otherwise it is a downward spiral which becomes very destructive.
thankyou for the good wishes on the pregnancy but i ahve just found out i've been in contact with a child who has slapped cheek...so i have other things on my mind now, am going for a blood test tommorow, i just hope it is negative.

Oh NM - it doesn't rain..........hope all goes well in your check up.

Agree with MP to an extent, but also with HW. The main thing is not so much what he has or has not done, but about honesty and integrity. He needs to give you the reassurance you need right now. Surely that does not take too much effort.

He was in the wrong for getting close to another woman. He has to accept that you are going to have some expectations about how you want him to behave in order that you can rebuild the trust in your relationship. Saying there is no point talking to you cos you will throw it back in his face is a cop out. I could understand it if you have been doing this for months despite him trying everything to reassure you......but that is not the case. My opinion is that he needs to invest in your relationship more than he is doing. You have a baby on the way. Your psychological and physical well-being is crucial.

I felt exactly the same and had a new haircut, started buying more clothes to make me feel better about myself. I felt like it was my fault and he assured me it wasn't it was just him being vain. Men eh!!

Easier said than done but try not to dwell on what has happened and look forward. There is no point wondering what happened/didn't happen as that just makes things worse in my experience. I did too much of that.

Time is a healer and if you love each other then you will work it out.

Let me know how you get on. Hope the blood test comes up ok.

Fingers crossed it all works out.

Club - I am glad you worked yours out. But NM take note that her h answered all her understandable questions.

There is a period now where you do need some answers and some reassurances - please dont let him dictate to you when to move on - you will in your own time.

Time is a great healer but if you want to ask more questions then please do becuase otherwise it will just play on your mind and may well come up again at a later date. Once you have all the answers you will find you do get 'bored' of it occupying your mind and will then be able to move on.

Do be careful though if he is in anyway secretive or defensive and tell him that is just making matters worse. He is not the expert on what YOU NEED to get over this dont let him tell you what is best.

Good luck with the tests too.

MP: that is exactly my point. Since I had the children I have deeper feelings for men than before and I seem to fancy them more too. I am not going to brand that as an "emotional affair". As far as I'm concerned it is just another beautiful bonus that children bring along with them. Also men do not always return the favours in the marriage, you should not debend on them for everything. I thing if I'm honest a lot of women here get on my nerves for that reason. They put their men in a pedestal.

Its not a case of putting our men on a pedestal, it is called being too trusting and expecting respect.

I have never had a problem with my h having female friends and collegues (maybe i should have in retrospect).

But i have expected that he respects me (and i also stupidly expected other woman to too).

It is the fact that NM h has not been honest with her that is the problem here and if she wants to move on she needs to feel is going to respect her from now on.

Happywoman-you are exactly right.

I asked my husband so many questions. Whenever i had a question i would ask, even if it meant waking him up at stupid hours in the morning. We spent hours talking in the evenings and it made me feel so much better.

He knew he was in the wrong and left it up to me to move on but one thing he did want me me to do "was beat myself up about it" (in his words). He is fully aware that he needs to gain my trust again and it is getting there.

I dont dwell on it anymore like i use to but if he goes out or is texting i do worry and he knows that.

My DH has female friends and i never had an issue mainly because i got to meet them but he never told me about this one until i found out because he knew if i found out some woman had a crush on him i would flip and be paranoid.

He knew that the banter between them was a bit much at times. Looking at the messages she was a bit heavy and suggested things but at the same time they spoke about other things.

It upsets me that he was so secretive about her and it was me that put a stop to it. As i said to him you lost a friendship but he said that he didn't care as she meant nothing and would rather lose their friendship than ours.

You will know when you are ready to move on and i think your H should fully support your decision as to when you are ready. But do ask any questions that are niggling away at you.

I too can flirt - and quite enjoy it. I would be very hurt if anyone felt threatened by me and i would do my utmost to make them feel safe.
These 'ow' know what they are doing is wrong and by encouraging men to keep them secret means they are much to blame imo.

Salla - I can cheerfully say that I have never once put my dh "in the pedestal" though I frequently entertained thoughts of putting him in the WC

NM: I don't know if you have a job yourself, or if not a job then a hobby: I think you would find it extremely beneficial to have something to think about that is purely about your own enjoyment and interest. WHile I admit I might be wrong, I get the impression that you have nothing to occupy your mind with except thoughts of what your partner might or might not be up to, which isn't healthy. Having an interest, hobby or a passion is profoundly good for you anyway, whether you have a monogamous partner, no partner or one who is shagging an entire women's netball team.