Why am I such a wimp…

[Arlanymor]

So I’ve been waiting for a response to an email - see the last page of this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5203258-staring-does-he-fancy-me-or-am-i-reading-into-it-too-much?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share - and although I was refreshing my emails a bit this morning, I have been out all afternoon away from my iPad, filming in the pouring rain, and have only just got home.

I’ve just put on a nice new pair of pyjamas to warm up and poured a glass of wine and then remembered that I hadn’t looked at my emails this afternoon… there’s a response from about 15 minutes ago and now I am too worried to open it. I can see that the first line says: “Hi Arlanymor, sorry for the delay in coming back you…”

He has nothing to apologise for, he really didn’t delay anything, I almost didn’t expect to hear until the middle of the week in fact. But no one who is about to say: “Fancy a drink?” Starts with saying sorry for the delay in responding do they?! It sounds like the start of a work email!

Ahhh I know it’s going to be a ‘no’, I get that vibe from how the response starts so why I am being such a wuss and not just reading it? I guess because once I read it then the whole bubble bursts and I’ll have to deal with feeling a rejected and stupid for a while. The one good thing being that I don’t actually have to see him now for literally months, and I won’t really have a reason to contact him in that time either. So I at least get to lick my wounds in private. I think I’ll finish my glass and then psych myself up to see what he has to say…

In the meantime, please remind me why it’s not the end of the world, why there’s is someone even better out there for me and that it’s not me it’s him - you know, all those good old cliches! This has made me feel a lot more sad than I thought it would.

It will be his loss OP if he isn’t interested. I believe in everything happens for a reason so be brave and open it up

Read it, there's no reason for it to be negative just because he's a bit formal...

Just open it!

Come on woman, dont keep us hanging, have you read it yet?

What you need to do is get out there and enjoy the world. There are plenty more fish in the sea etc.

Nope, I haven’t. Have been reading lots of articles online about steeling yourself for rejection, sorry, this has really got under my skin for some reason. Will read it now!

If it helps I'm in a similar situation so know exactly how you feel.

Oh I am crying now, I’ll paraphrase what he’s written so it’s not outing:

Dear Arlanymor
Apologies for the delay getting back to you I have been away for the weekend. I am really quite flattered! But I need to be honest, I’ve been struggling a lot with depression and anxiety for a while now. I was doing well at managing it until my mother died a little over two years ago and I had a breakdown. Not many people know, I think I hide it very well. But at that time I walked away from a long term relationship and I have been single ever since. I will remain that way until I get my stuff truly under control as it wouldn’t be fair to the other person. It’s been a rough couple of years for me. Although we’ve only met in person a handful of times, I think you are a lovely, fun and genuine person, I wish my circumstances were different. I hope this all makes sense.
From lovely man.

Wow, poor, poor guy. I am properly crying, what a lot he’s been dealing with. I just need to think of a nice reply now because he’s been so open with me. Ironically I’ve also been deliberately single for five years because my last relationship ended so brutally that I didn’t want to be with anyone else until I had properly got my head together or have them deal with my baggage. Sounds like he is on a journey and I admire him even more now for being so honest and straightforward. Still obviously it’s a no go, which is sad, but I am sadder still that he’s been through so much.

Ah life is so tough. My crush has a similar sad story. Hugs 🫂 🤗

Thanks lovely, I appreciate it. I'm just drafting a response now. It genuinely made me cry. Life is tough, you're so right. Sorry you are going through it too and hugs back. 🤗

Oh! How sad but that's really very admirable of him to know he isn't capable of a healthy relationship at the moment.
The men I like normally only have this realisation 3 months into a relationship 😫

So have just responded:

Dear lovely man

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and honest reply. Please don’t feel the need to apologise for any delay; I really didn’t expect you to be reading work emails over the weekend. I hope you had a good time on your break.

Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear about everything you’ve been through, especially the loss of your mother. Losing a loved one is incredibly difficult, and it sounds like you’ve had the added challenge of other family issues on top of that, which must have felt overwhelming at times. It’s completely understandable that everything took a toll on you.

I appreciate you being so open with me, and I totally understand your decision to focus on your wellbeing right now. I myself made a similar choice over the past five years after a relationship of mine ended in a very sad way in 2019. I didn’t want to put my own unhappiness on anyone else or bring any baggage into a new relationship, so I took time to focus on myself and come to terms with it all. I know how important it is to take that time and how difficult it can be.

Anyway, onwards and upwards! I’ll set my crush aside then. See you next year at the next work event. In the meantime, thank you for being kind about my feelings and for being so open and honest with me.

Arlanymor

Totally admirable isn't it? I feel terrible for him but also so impressed at his ability to be so honest about his circumstances - and to share those with me too.

Oh I know that feeling too - my last two boyfriends had so much unresolved stuff going on they should never have been even thinking about dating anyone.

I feel so sad for him, but am at least pleased he felt he could share. I doubt anything more will come of this, but at least I have some sense of resolution.

@Arlanymor

So sorry it was a no but it was a well thought out reply from him and your reply to him was also well thought out.

I hope it works out for both of you and while it was a no on this one, at least you know and he didn't muck you about.

Thanks so much, I really appreciate that. No he really didn't muck me about at all. It's annoying that I like him even more now for his honestly and kindness, but I will find a way to get past that to a platonic stage. Thanks again for being kind.

Aw @Arlanymor I'm crying too! I'm so sorry it wasn't meant to be! I feel as though it's one of those 'if it was a different time' situations!

But I commend you for being so brave and putting yourself out there! You are amazing!!

And please don't see it as a rejection! He's obviously thinks a lot of you from his reply! I doubt he would have been so open if he didn't!

Hope the wine was good last night! ❤️

Well you have both been honest now.
It takes a brave man to admit he’s going through a lot - most would just string you along.
Your reply is so lovely, and he will feel reassured by it. Next time you see him there will be no awkwardness at all.

Aw thanks so much, I was quite surprised at how much it affected me - it was those silent big, fat tears rolling down my cheeks on and off for an hour or so. Yes I feel the same way - the timing is unfortunate - and that the barrier isn't necessarily feelings, but circumstance. I do know there is no hope - but my emotional reality is taking a bit of time to catch up with my logical reality.

But it is what it is and today is a new day. I let myself feel sad last night (the wine was nice, thank you) but this morning I need to crack on with things and turn the page. Thanks so for your lovely comments, they mean a lot when, particularly when I need to gather my resolve together, I really appreciate it!

I've loved reading this thread - it's a movie in the making and not over yet, part 2 will follow next year.

Take care until then @Arlanymor and thanks for sharing.

Honestly I admire him so much for his stance and for being brave enough to just be open with me - I knew he was lovely before, but I know it even more now.

Thank you - took me a good hour to draft it! I think you're absolutely right, I don't think there will be awkwardness at all, if anything there is now a bit more of a connection, even if it is not at all a romantic one.

Time to shift my perspective, create some distance (not in a bad way, just not let my thoughts go too far down the 'what could have been' path) and distract myself until all of my thoughts settle. Thanks for your lovely words, it's very kind.

Oh bless you, thanks for your lovely comments - hope it's not one of those movies where the sequel is worse than the original! (See I am trying to find my sense of humour and not let myself get too blue about things!)

But genuinely, I really appreciate your words, that was such a sweet thing to say and thanks for your support.

You're so very welcome... I love a good love story ,it restores my faith in human nature.

I have to confess that I am heavenly invested in your journey and I'm in a similar position myself right now and I'm 60 years old so there's hope for us all 😘 #IStillBelieveInFairytaleEndings 💞

I was so baffled by this OP, I thought you were the OP from the thread you linked to!
Your reply email is really lovely OP, I hope you find someone equally lovely.

Oh bless you - I know exactly what you mean about faith in human nature. It can be a difficult world at the best of times, so these chinks of light make all the difference don’t they?

There is definitely hope for us all and I hope that your journey is going in the direction that you want and at the pace that you need. ♥️

I’m going to map out where I need to focus in the months ahead - I have plenty to get on with work-wise and also just about to pick up some additional volunteer responsibilities with my main hobby outside of work. I don’t think I want to think about dating anyone else, it would feel a bit weird, so instead I will pour my feelings into my creative writing instead. Probably best place for them for now!

Thanks again, I am very touched by your words.

Aw, well at least you know. I wish I’d been more adventurous to do this and put myself out there more when younger, rather than spend years wondering “what if” in some cases.

Good luck moving forward, take care of yourself, and hopefully the man of your dreams will come into your life soon x

Oh sorry yes, I was trying to reduce duplication and not derail the other thread more than I had already (although @crushingat30 was very gracious and generous is letting me share my story) but I can completely see how that was probably very confusing, sorry about that!

Thanks so much for your lovely words, it took me a good hour to gather my thoughts together and try and send something that was supportive and didn’t make it sound like I was weeping into my wine. As I say, it’s taken me aback by how sad this has made me, but I think it’s more about how sorry I feel for him and what he has been through and continues to go through. Poor, sweet man.