All because of a hoover

[Smm745]

I went out and bought a new hoover from the joint bank account without telling my husband; he was away. We both work and earn similar salaries. The old hoover barely sucks up anything and I’ve been saying we need a new one since lockdown. I just decided I’d had enough. My husband found out and has lost the plot. How dare I spend half his money without consulting him; it was underhand and devious of me…and now he has taken half the money out of the joint accounts without telling me. He’s just told me to take out the rest ie my half.

You have more problems than a hoover...

As usual, first comment nails it!

And this behaviour is completely out of the blue?

Is there something deeper going on or was it a ridiculously expensive hoover?

This.

I mean are you on a very low income and you’ve spent £300 plus on one? That may change things a bit, if that’s the case you should have discussed it. But otherwise yanbu.

No there’s so much more I could share, I’m half coherent right now. My husband takes things out the rubbish bin when I’ve thrown them away. Tells me I waste and haemorrhage money. And I’m lying here in bed thinking that maybe it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have bought the damn hoover

Ok context here, hoover was 250, house is almost mortgage free. We both work full time. Urgh why am I typing here? Because I guess I think my marriage is toxic and I really don’t know what to do.

By a chainsaw with your half of the money and give him half of everything and then take half the house and assets when you divorce him. Simples. He's an arse. Leave him.

From what you've said it's hard to tell if you do haemorrhage money on things you can't afford or if he's tight and controlling.

Will being the hoover potentially leave you short for other necessities this month? Can you afford it? Is it an overly expensive model?
You've also said there are other examples but it's hard to tell if maybe the hoover is the tip of the iceberg of a bigger money issue or not? Like is there a drip feed on you constantly splashing out?

Given his childish reaction I'm leaning towards him being tight and/or controlling. On the other hand I'd potentially be pissed of my DP spent £100s right before Christmas if it was leaving us short. I would always expect to have a discussion before that type of purchase

Sounds like he is being unreasonable, however you probably should have mentioned it but with the additional information you've given you may have even be worried he would say no. With his attitude to money maybe having joint finances is a good step for you both! There is more to this though isn't there ?

We’re not short of money, neither are we rich but we’re more than ok. He never spends anything. So what happens is I end up having to ask his permission effectively to buy anything. So when I do finally decide enough is enough, as I see it in this case I get punished.

You are not being unreasonable. Your marriage is toxic.

And I’ll have a side bet, if I may, on who uses the hoover most as well.

He sounds deranged.

And emotionally and financially abusive.

In the end, his divorce will be the most expensive thing he ever does; you should remind him of that as you serve him papers.

I guess I think my marriage is toxic and I really don’t know what to do

If this was your sister, what would you advise her to do?

Do that

Yes there is. I think he’s controlling but I end up so confused in my head. I end up questioning my own version of reality

Does anyone know of an organisation or group I could go and talk to about what I’m experiencing? I need someone to tell me I’m not going mad and to confirm that his reaction (to me buying a bloody hoover) is not normal.

You’re not going mad - his reaction to you buying a hoover is definitely not normal.

Not used them myself, but WomensAid are often recommended on here.

This sounds an awful situation to be in and im pretty sure you'd be much happier on your own.

Have a look at the Women's Aid website. They have lots of information on abuse, including financial abuse, and what your options are. Take care.
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

That's no kind of life.

Do you have any children together?

Honestly there's a whole world out there and this stingy controlling man should live on his own.

It sounds like he's very controlling and financially abusive. It's very common to question yourself in an abusive relationship as they tell you black is white and you become isolated.

You can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline which is 24/7 0808 2000 247. You can also contact your local domestic abuse organisation.

Definitely women's aid. They're wonderful. I've used them.

He's at the very least being financially abusive.

You might also want to consider contacting idas as well if he is emotionally and/or physically abusive including throwing things or doing things to purposefully intimidate you.

Our gorgeous son is 14 and so happy in his life. I don’t want to shatter his world. But I need a lot of help to maintain my sanity. Tomorrow I’ll call the numbers that have been shared.

Sounds like he sucks more than your new hoover does, OP.
It's miserable to live with a miserly man. Taking stuff out of the garbage that you've thrown away suggests hoarding tendencies as well.