All because of a hoover

[Smm745]

I went out and bought a new hoover from the joint bank account without telling my husband; he was away. We both work and earn similar salaries. The old hoover barely sucks up anything and I’ve been saying we need a new one since lockdown. I just decided I’d had enough. My husband found out and has lost the plot. How dare I spend half his money without consulting him; it was underhand and devious of me…and now he has taken half the money out of the joint accounts without telling me. He’s just told me to take out the rest ie my half.

Does he use the hoover as much as you do? Or do you find that you use it more? Do you share housework equally? If in the unlikely event you do, I'd be tempted to give him the other half of the cost of the hoover and lock it away, let him use the old hoover when he cleans, because the other one is now yours only to use - be equally petty.

She can keep the new hoover, he can have the box.

He sounds horrible. Not a decent family man. A nasty controlling twat. Do not question your own assessment of the situation. You are an intelligent person who has made an evidence based judgement. And it will be correct.

It’s worth quietly sitting tight and planning your next move and the timing of it. I wouldn’t discuss divorce or separation until you’ve thought everything out yourself, made plans and decisions.

So you've been saying the vacuum cleaner needs replacing for four years and he insists it's fine when it barely functions and then throws a tantrum when you've had enough and buy a new one? How often does he use it, out of interest?

I suspect the vacuum cleaner's not the only thing that's being getting on your tits since lockdown that you should get rid of

I think my marriage is toxic

You've nailed your problem here. I think you just needed to rubber duck your problem.

Divorce time. Be warned: him taking half the money may be him preparing to initiate divorce.

Read this

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

speak to a lawyer about your options and get your ducks in a row. Also soeak to women’s aid.

you mentioned your son. Growing up around abuse will be more damaging to your son. Model to him that it’s not ok to be treated poorly by anyone. If you stay your telling him it’s ok for men to treat women this way. Do you want him to grow up to be the same as his Dad? Show him that treating women this way is unacceptable or else he’s going to have terrible relationships himself either by becoming abused or the abuser,

well done for reaching out. You are not at fault here.

You don't need talking therapy. You need a divorce lawyer. Out of interest, how old was the old hoover? Can you imagine how much "not fun" it would be being retired and stuck at home with him because he is too stingy to pay to go anywhere. Is he clothed in nothing but rags? Are you ashamed to be seen in public with him? So many questions? I can say that unless he has a myriad of wonderful qualities which aren't apparent from your post, you should absolutely leave. Life is short, sometimes shorter than we realise. I can't imagine you're enjoying your one life that much.

Tell him to suck it up and commence divorce proceedings. Vigorously.

This in itself is a clear sign you are in a toxic, controlling and quite possibly abusive situation.

When you are in a healthy relationship, you feel peaceful, happy and clear-headed. When you are in an unhealthy relationship, you feel ill-at-ease, miserable and confused.

The biggest barrier to clarity and peace is trying to reconcile the unreconcilable.

In your heart you know perfectly well that replacing a broken vacuum cleaner when you are financially comfortable is a completely reasonable thing to do, and being denied the ability to do is unreasonable. You are only confused and stressed because you are trying to make sense of the nonsensical.

Don't hang around waiting for him to validate your perceptions. Validate yourself, and accept that you're married to a tight and controlling man who expects you to make do under completely inadequate circumstances. Once you accept that unfortunate reality, you will start to feel clearer-headed.

He is manipulating and gaslighting you- it’s incredibly damaging and can leave you a shell of a person.

www.rightsofwomen.org.Uk is also a really useful place to get advice.

Good luck. I hope you can leave him and rescue both you and your child.

If money isn’t a huge issue as you say then I don’t see his problem, he sounds quite controlling. You’re a grown woman and don’t need his permission to spend money, especially when it’s something for the house and you’ve mentioned it several times so it was hardly out of the blue.

Is this a regular thing, he’s throwing his toys out of the pram now then and being dramatic by taking his half of the money out of the account

Make sure you take your half of the money out of the joint account then close the account.

He is completely controlling and unreasonable but you know this already.

You don't have to live like this, and also you don't have to make your son grow up in a toxic environment.

Take action OP

Keep your head down and get all your financial paperwork sorted and copied, speak to a solicitor and WomenAid. In my experience unless you are at risk their support isn't immediate or long running, but ita good push and very affirming. You h isn't going to improve with age, where as you and you son have your best year ahead of you.
Samaritains are excellent, often staffed by older women who have seen it all and have no energy left for putting up with shit from men.

I know you’re trying to protect your ds. However, this sounds far from normal behaviour. He’s 14 now and the longer this goes on, the more normalised the way he sees a man treating his life partner becomes.

You are not going mad, he is very controlling. You need to leave to break free of this (make sure you keep the new Hoover)
TAKE THE OTHER HALF OF THE MONEY OUT OF THE JOINT ACCOUNT. If you get paid into it, change that NOW.

This isn’t normal @Smm745 .
My dh wouldn’t even ask the price if I bought something for the house that I thought we needed.
In fact he wouldn’t notice until he came to use it.

I think he's crazy.

DH and I have a joint account that we both put money into every month for things we need for the house/vehicles/garden etc, which is separate from the joint account for bills and food.

If I was going to make a big purchase like a hoover from it, I would discuss it with DH. However, we don't really discuss smaller purchases from it. Either of us would just buy something if we felt it was needed and trust each other to make such decisions.

But if he was away and I had decided we needed something that was a bigger purchase and ordered it, he would be fine with it if there was enough money in the account.

Do as he says and take your half out of the joint account now, make sure he can't clear it out completely.

His behaviour is abusive, please call Women's Aid and make plans to leave.

His reaction is far from normal. There is probably gaslighting going on here - as you are questioning your reality.

Even if you had spent money unnecessarily, him removing all his money from the joint account is an absolute overreaction. He's controlling and trying to punish you.

Its financially abuse. This is completely unacceptable. Half the money in the joint account is yours anyway. You should be able, within reason, to spend it how you please.

I did tell my husband how I felt yesterday. Very clearly .. Told him it’s unreasonable, controlling etc etc. later last night, before I posted on here he said; you’ve had your say, now can we sit down together and go through our budget and finances and you’ll see where I’m coming from.

i understand our finances ladies. I’m not dim. So basically he is going to justify his tightness and behaviour and has completely ignored everything I had to say.

Just tell him you don’t need to bother as you’re quite clear on the finances. And now that he’s decided to
kick off your financial separation, you’re going to follow it through to its logical conclusion.

Do this immediately. Set up a Revolut or another instant account in your name and move the money there immediately. He's shown you exactly what he will do by removing half the money

He sounds insane. The fact you’re even having to ask on here shows how much of a number he’s done on you. It’s completely not normal and you shouldn’t have to live like this. I hope your son is unaware.

Leave him quickly before your son is into the exam phase. You'll be saving your son as well as yourself. I bet you both walk on eggshells around him. Does he ration toilet paper and teabags? It's no way to live. Limping on for 5 years with a useless hoover, which is essential household kit. I've just realised that if you had saved a pound a week over 52 weeks for 5 years you would have that £250 hoover. He's ridiculous and cruel and financially abusive.

Take the hoover back and stop vacuuming - let's see how he likes that. Ffs