All because of a hoover

[Smm745]

I went out and bought a new hoover from the joint bank account without telling my husband; he was away. We both work and earn similar salaries. The old hoover barely sucks up anything and I’ve been saying we need a new one since lockdown. I just decided I’d had enough. My husband found out and has lost the plot. How dare I spend half his money without consulting him; it was underhand and devious of me…and now he has taken half the money out of the joint accounts without telling me. He’s just told me to take out the rest ie my half.

Correction! Lockdown was 4 years ago, but you can generally trust my maths above.

As well as being a total prick, I imagine he also sees the hoover as being a "you" purchase because hoovering is wimmins work isn't it. Therefore, how dare you spend half his money on it.

So go through that exercise and demonstrate that replacing a clapped-out hoover that should have gone three years ago is a perfectly sensible thing to do that shouldn't need all this drama.

He sounds awful OP, financially and emotionally abusive. My husband has always been more frugal than me. He would have asked what I had spent the money on and said he wanted to be consulted, but he would never ever empty the account as a “punishment” and neither would I to him. It’s not normal behaviour it’s abusive behavior to keep you in check.

He sounds vile. But in general I do tend to talk to my husband before buying something over the £100-ish mark.

You're not the one shattering your 14yr olds world.

That is on your financial abusive husband. If he wasn't so controlling, you would stay (more than likely) so what you would be doing if you left your husband is showing your 14 yr old what unhappiness is and how to fix that. Also showing him what someone should and shouldn't put up with in a relationship as the one you have currently isn't very heathy.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you but you sound like a strong woman and you will get through this.

Maybe you need to look at his behaviour in general and ask what sort of a role model he is for your son. Is this how you want your son to grow up?

Why is there such a disconnect between you int erms of your finances? You think your finances are okay - you say that between you there's plenty of money, mortgage is almost paid off etc. He appears to feel the opposite - that money is super tight.

So where is the core split here?

I mean yes, he sounds super controlling and a bit weird but if you routinely, as a couple, don't pend a lot of money, then £250 on a new vacuum without discussion could be seen as quite a large amount. That's not to say you shouldn't have spent it - it sounds like you need it and you have th emoney for it. But more, what is the underlying issue here?

In other words, that’s him telling you how he wants the finances to be and what he wants you to do. It doesn’t work like that, you don’t need permission to go out and buy a hoover, I could of course understand if it was something like a car but not a hoover

Financially abusive men are not just financially abusive. You've been gaslit aka pyschologically abused by him for so long that you no longer know which way is up. HIS way is not up and your son in turn is being emotionally harmed also by his dad's abusive behaviours.

You won't shatter your son's world by leaving your (and his) abuser; you would be saving him as well as your own self. This is no way to live and he has hoarding tendencies too.

I hope you have made some phone calls this morning because staying with this man is not an option for you or your son.

Wow. The hoover is the least of your worries. Hoover up your partner and put him out with the bins.

This sounds awful OP, and you have been given some good advice upthread. Just to hopefully provide a little light relief, here's a link to a comedy song with the line 'Hey have you seen my wife? She left me after a row it was over a vacuum cleaner'. I particularly like the way he rhymes 'obscene-er' with 'vacuum cleaner'!

He’s make do and mend you say he’s always been this and also a saver your a spender

he would of had a fiddle with hoover and made do where your fuck it have a new one

Wouldn’t say ether of you are wrong but you just don’t sound compatible

Financially abusive men are not solely financially abusive. You've been gaslit aka pyschologically abused by him for so long that you no longer know which way is up. HIS way is not up and your son in turn is being emotionally harmed also by his dad's abusive behaviours.

You won't shatter your son's world by leaving your (and his) abuser; you would be saving him as well as your own self. This is no way to live and he has hoarding tendencies too.

I hope you have made some phone calls this morning because staying with this man is not an option for you or your son.

I just clicked on this and was inundated with ads about vacuum cleaners!

OP I would hoover him up and empty the hoover bag in the bin with him in it. He is terrible. It sounds like he has some sort of hoarding tendencies even if he doesn't actually hoard stuff (dragging things out of the bin etc).

Was it a Hoover though or a vacuum cleaner - only Hoover, make Hoovers....

My ex would spend a lot of time 'worrying' about money to me, and me assuring him it was fine, meanwhile taking his worry on board and being extra frugal. Then he'd 'get down' and buy himself a 400 quid watch or a new laptop - somehow money was only a problem when I wanted to get something - and even then, not always - if it was something he wanted me to get, suddenly it was fine to buy the nice one.

It's all about control, and keeping you off balance.

I remember learning at school that it was a guy called Booth who invented the first vacuum cleaner.

I'm just going to Booth the stairs doesn't sound right does it?? Though, we had a Vax when I was at home and my mum regularly said she was going to Vax the stairs/landing etc.

It annoys me so much that all vacuum cleaners are Hoovers. You don't say Audi instead of car, or Miele instead of washing machine!

Indeed, Hubert Cecil Booth, who started the British Vacuum Cleaner Co. - still going strong, my dad was a director of BVC in the 70's, they make industrial vacs now.

I have a Henry, made in Britain by Numatic down in Chard.

I think you need to move your wages to be going into a personal account, and then put what's needed for your half of bills, mortgage, joint costs etc into the joint account.

But leaving you the capacity to spend money without needing to justify rightfully spending money that you have earned on a need you see for the house. It should come from joint account but I'd start with being able to buy what's needed.

He sounds like an ass.

From wha5 you’re saying there should be a surplus every month .. where does that go?

Thank you 🤣

This sounds more like a mental health issue and the controlling aspect is just a side effect. He needs to get some help. Otherwise, I am afraid that you need to consider leaving him as he will make your lives hell. It will get worse with age as well.