Should I just do what he said?

[Lookingonthebrightside2022]

After saying’ I wish I was better in bed, maybe you could help me with that ’ one day, my partner made a suggestion that I didn’t much like, when I told him I didn’t much want to do that he said ‘I have to as I’m physically unattractive and I need to do whatever pleases him because I am so unattractive’. When asked he discusses no alternatives. He says for a person my age I should no more sexually and why don’t I know how to please a man? He’s told me I’m unattractive many times over the 12+ years we’ve been together, mostly over my weight as I’m 5 3’’ and 104kg. Admittedly I have put on a lot of weight with 2 unsuccessful pregnancies since 2022 and a now healthy 13 month old. I was probably 80kg before those pregnancies so I was never small except for a brief period I was down to 65kg near the beginning of the relationship. At present I am working on my weight and over 6 months have lost 3kg!! I know it’s not much but I am happy I am not increasing in size and weight loss is very slow for me in general, that’s just my body. I used to have a good job but now I earn less than half my previous salary, I was the higher earner by far but now I’m down it seems like the hos temper is to another level. I brought the issue up in relationship councelling and the councellor told him he should be more kind. He didn’t take that very well and continues to shout and be angry about my weight, my mums weight and all the other people in my family. I just don’t know what to do I’m trying but I just keep coming back to the conclusion this isn’t working. I’m in serious debt (due to a failed business which we are closing) and I am struggling financially. What to do? Any suggestions from you ladies and I’d be interested to hear from the gents if any of you read this thread. I need some perspective pls

Well from here he is the unattractive one here!

How dare he speak to you like that? Why aren't you more angry he thinks it is okay to belittle you :-( I really think you should get your debt sorted, get your ducks in a row and leave this arsehole.

He is so unkind to you!

This sounds like such a sad situation. My gut reaction was to tell you to run like the wind away from this man who is making you feel so awful about yourself and eroding your confidence like this.
Do you feel you want to stay with him or do you feel like you don't know how to leave him?

My suggestion is to tell him to Fuck Off and never speak to him again.

He's a creepy loser.

Honestly, you need to realise just how not OK it is for him to attempt to force and shame you into performing for him in the bedroom in ways that you aren’t comfortable with. That is the first huge red flag here.

Secondly, the way he talks about you and your family to you is completely unacceptable and horrendous! He is in a relationship with you yet he thinks you’re unattractive?! That’s the second huge red flag.

I’m afraid this sounds like a classic tactic of making you feel so worthless both as a person and in your relationship that you put up with whatever he throws at you, perform against your own boundaries sexually and stay with him despite his vile behaviour and undeserving attitude to you because he has made you believe you’ll never do better than him.

He is WRONG. You will immediately feel happier, safer and more in control the second you leave this disgusting pig and his emotionally manipulative bullshit behind. Please know your worth and that you are a valuable and loved person no matter what the scales or bank balance say! ❤️

He's bullying and undermining you and using that to pressure you to do sexual things you have said you aren't comfortable with?

He sounds awful and you've had a really tough time. I think you know inside what you need to do and I hope you have some real life support to help you through it

Do you have a joint mortgage?

He wants you to do something sexual that you have said you don't want to do. And he still wants to do it.

He's abusive and the quicker you leave the better. Get some advice about the debt and any benefits you might be eligible for and leave as soon as possible.

OP, this is abusive behaviour and you really need to end this relationship now, for the sake of your child and for your own sanity. This man is a creep, a loser, he's cruel, spiteful and manipulative. You do not have to engage in sexual acts if you don't want to. You owe him nothing. Just because you're overweight, that doesn't give him to right to erode your self-esteem in this way. Get away from him.

Any man who tries to continually coerce you into any unwanted sexual act is extremely abusive. The fact he is also verbally abusive shows that he doesn't love or respect you. He is a bully and doesn't like it when he is called out about it. He'll never amend his behaviour and be kind because he enjoys belittling you. Please speak to womens aid and make plans to leave him. Your life and self-esteem will be so much better without this abusive bully.

JC. You're in an abusive relationship. I advise you to contact your local domestic abuse organisation and get some advice and support.

You can contact the National Debtline regarding your finances and see if anything can be worked out.

Do the Freedom Programme to help you understand what a healthy relationship looks like.

Under no circumstances should you do anything you don't want to in bed. Sleep separately if you must but do not feel pressured to do anything no matter what he says.

If he forces you to do anything or if you need to talk to someone about his behaviour, you can contact Rape Crisis.

Stay strong.

You're in an abusive relationship.

None of this is okay and what he's suggesting is bordering rape.

Do you have a way to get out and build your life back up?

I had some time out which was lovely. Just got back in to see your responses. Thank you all so much for your opinions. Sometimes on your own you don’t see things from a healthy perspective. At least I know that what I feel is normal. I will answer more specifically in a sec

This is abuse. Have a look on womens aid website and I can guarantee there'll be a lot of points ticked yes to the types of abuse he gives you. Might be worthwhile speaking to them too. You need to find a way to leave him. It sounds like he's giving you a miserable existence and you deserve to be happy...

Leave him. He is bullying you

He is an abuser, and you're in an abusive relationship.

The only thing you need to be doing is making a plan to leave.

I need to do whatever pleases him because I am so unattractive’

No, you you don't. Ever. You're in an abusive situation and you need help to get out. Women's Aid is a good place to start. Get in touch with them and they will help you begin to see what's actually happening here. This is not normal, and it's not your fault.

If you’re so unattractive why does he want to have sex with you? Wild guess that’s not the case but he just wants to knock you down and then you’ll do whatever he wants because you feel like you have to so he stays and your confidence is so low you don’t want to leave because no one else will want you because you’re so unattractive?

Get rid of the bad egg

He can please himself from now on!

Honestly he sounds coercive, it's abuse and you don't deserve that.

Every woman is beautiful when she has something to smile about, you included.

He's abusive, and you can do so much better. You get one life, don't waste a minute longer than you have to on him. Get your ducks assembled as best you can and get out of this relationship.

partner made a suggestion that I didn’t much like

What was the suggestion?

Decent people don't coerce people into sex acts they don't enthusiatically want to do.

Decent people don't use the excuse of the person not being attractive enough, to coerce them.

If he's not attracted to you enough, perhaps he should end the relationship.
(He won't, he knows he won't get better and he just uses the attraction thing as a stick to beat you with. He enjoys doing that. He likes the relationship being on those terms.)

Likewise if he wasn't attracted enough to be in a relationship and have sex with you, funny he didn't end it before repeatedly trying to conceive and impregnating you, and bringing a child into the world with you. Plenty of time to get out/move on before that. But no, he stayed. And kept doing something that would lead to much more serious commitment and tie-in. You haven't put that much weight on since pregnancy. But even if he truly found such a difference (after you grew and birthed his child) again, he could leave.

Your relationship is abusive. He's an abuser.

Tell him he's not attractive to you and to make up for it he needs to clean all the toilets/get pegged with a dildo/be a BDSM slave etc.

I am so overwhelmed the responses Ive got, so thoughful.

@Lavenderblossoms I told him his face was as unattractive as his personality. I just need some time to sort myself out. This could take a while...

@eyeoresancerre this wouldnt even be happening if I was at my strongest. Its just easier to kick someone when they are down. It wouldnt be me leaving, he would have to leave its my house. But the effort it takes. Such a mess. He only leaves if the police get involved and I dont have the resources to manage myself at present
@Hatty65 good description. Its so bad all I can do is laugh. Worst thing is I feel like I cannot do anything whilst I am not capable of taking care of everything myself
@Lmnop22 what he said felt wrong and I thank you for confirming this as well

@Sadsadworld The question is Why have I got into a relationship with a bully? ugh. I have some support in my life but not enough to make any meaningful changes. II feel I have to wait this out till I can change it.
@LadyKenya No its mine
@MrsTerryPratchett I have the debts in a plan which has made life very much easier. Im not entitled to any benefits in regard to our joint income
@ThianWinter I agree. Just dont see a way out for now. hopefully my sanity can be maintained for the meantime.
@Raininginparadise2 will contact womens aid, they may be able to help me improve my situation thanks so much
@username7891 thank you for the points. I will look up Freedom programme, this is something that I can do in my current situation
@ElleintheWoods I am doing the best I can, building my life is the priority for myself and my baby!
@CC222 It can be miserable. I didnt even mention the alcoholism yet. Yes I would like to be happy, so Ive got a lot to work on.
@JustBrowsingTheWeb in time, just need to find a way to support myself
@ScarabBright I am using the advice given to me by all you lovely people
@canyouletthedogoutplease thank you. not normal and not my fault - got it!
@Coconutter24 Your question is my question. He describes me as having 'Hit the Wall' I know im not that unattractive. Its silly the mind games people play, its even more silly that ive actually fallen for it...

Thank you

It wouldnt be me leaving, he would have to leave its my house.

Thank goodness you're not married.

Leave him.

What would he have if he got kicked out?

Do you think he went along with having a child because he thought it would get his feet under the table in your home and you'd not kick him out?