Should I just do what he said?

[Lookingonthebrightside2022]

After saying’ I wish I was better in bed, maybe you could help me with that ’ one day, my partner made a suggestion that I didn’t much like, when I told him I didn’t much want to do that he said ‘I have to as I’m physically unattractive and I need to do whatever pleases him because I am so unattractive’. When asked he discusses no alternatives. He says for a person my age I should no more sexually and why don’t I know how to please a man? He’s told me I’m unattractive many times over the 12+ years we’ve been together, mostly over my weight as I’m 5 3’’ and 104kg. Admittedly I have put on a lot of weight with 2 unsuccessful pregnancies since 2022 and a now healthy 13 month old. I was probably 80kg before those pregnancies so I was never small except for a brief period I was down to 65kg near the beginning of the relationship. At present I am working on my weight and over 6 months have lost 3kg!! I know it’s not much but I am happy I am not increasing in size and weight loss is very slow for me in general, that’s just my body. I used to have a good job but now I earn less than half my previous salary, I was the higher earner by far but now I’m down it seems like the hos temper is to another level. I brought the issue up in relationship councelling and the councellor told him he should be more kind. He didn’t take that very well and continues to shout and be angry about my weight, my mums weight and all the other people in my family. I just don’t know what to do I’m trying but I just keep coming back to the conclusion this isn’t working. I’m in serious debt (due to a failed business which we are closing) and I am struggling financially. What to do? Any suggestions from you ladies and I’d be interested to hear from the gents if any of you read this thread. I need some perspective pls

Adding this to the plan

He says for a person my age I should no more sexually and why don’t I know how to please a man?.

Idiotic statement - people have all sorts of different sexual experience at different ages. And sexual experience doesn't even equal skill.

Why don't you know how to please a man?

Sex is about both partners enjoying it.

Not about one "pleasing" or performing for the other, without reciprocation..

And what about him, does he switch off his barrage of nasty verbal abuse ("you're unattractive, you've hit the wall" etc) and become an amazing, generous, warm, enthusiastic lover who makes his partner feel relaxed and confident and helps her reach numerous climaxes? Let me guess. . No.

So why would sex be about you pleasing him. I doubt he pleases you

Is he the female orgasm guru?

Why not, at his age?

i have accepted too much. I’m past rage… and I feeling insecure about my poor financial situation

i am satisfied easily. And vanilla. He is more adventurous, needs it more often and apparently as he’s learned about me why havnt I learned about him? He used this as a way to say how unequal we are if that makes sense? It’s always been quite difficult to talk about I think we are just mismatched. I think there are ways to help someone to be a bit more what you would like without shame

And the insults etc make we want to engage less. Much less which is also a massive problem for him

and I feeling insecure about my poor financial situation

If you don't earn too much to get Universal Credit, you would get the main and child parts of UC, discounted council tax, 85% of childcare paid for the hours you work, child benefit (when you kid goes to school free school meals and uniform grant) etc.

He would owe you child maintenance unless he has them for at least 50% of overnights in a year.

The citizens advice people will go through it with you, they do that say in, day out.

It may be worth making sure you work enough to top up your UC but not enough to reduce it (it reduces on a sliding scale depending on his much younger earn).

See how much you'd end up with per month

And it's not even permanent, when school starts; there are often after schools and hop clubs and things that mean you can work more and more and childcare isn't very expensive.

Dump the excess weight,him!!!

But you're "vanilla" and he's apparently not.

So he doesn't need to learn much, does he.

Anyway, what exactly does that mean?

Is he one of those abusers who uses BDSM as a cover to abuse?

If only he was a masochist ....... I think several.of us on this thread would be delighted to help you out, by whaling the shit out of him.

I think we are just mismatched

If you are "vanilla" i.e. ordinary, and he is not - then yeah, you are mismatched.

Just like the majority of women would be mismatched with him.

And that's not even getting onto the fact he's an abuser.

He used this as a way to say how unequal we are if that makes sense?

Yes, he loses no opportunity to put you down and claim he's superior.

You're apparently unattractive.

You're not sexually experienced enough or skilled enough.
(For his "adventurous" standards., which includes trying to coerce sex acts that you clearly find totally unappealing. And tell you that you're unattractive so you should make up for it by doing them).

You've apparently "hit the wall" - 13 months after you've grown and birthed his child.

Strange how he's so superior on all fronts - but you hugely out earned him until recently, and you're on the housing ladder, while he's not. Odd, that.

(Back on the sex "life" front, op I have the sad feeling that if you elaborated, we would come to the conclusion that he's abusive sexually too).

why don’t I know how to please a man?.

Haven't you been with him for 13 years?

So, I guess he's a shit teacher.

Except you could never please that c*#t.

@Lookingonthebrightside2022 You were not put on God's good earth to service his sexual needs.

Remember that fact.

That women 'hit the wall' is an idea you'll find discussed on incel forums and other places that the angry dregs of masculinity congregate.

They talk about 30+ year old women being 'post-wall'.

So all I'm saying is that I've not heard the phrase used anywhere else, so he's probably reading that stuff, and men who read that stuff are unlikely to be good partners.

Yeah I've read that stuff. I've got a teenage son so I went there and read it to see what we're up against, you feel like you need a shower after reading some of it.

The problems that you're suffering in life will not be solved by doing anal/swinging/threesomes/pegging.. whatever it is he's trying to force on you.
You need to leave him. No decent man insults their partners appearance and tries to manipulate them sexually.
If you're not 'good' in bed it's probably because of him. He does not deserve you, or any sexual partner quite frankly.
You'd be way better off single.

What in the actual fuck did I just read?!

if you want weight loss tips I can tell you how to lose 12-14 Stone overnight… kick his ass out!

I think there are ways to help someone to be a bit more what you would like without shame

Definitely.

And telling them they are unattractive is also the worst base possible for having a relaxed, enjoyable, enthusiastic sex life in the first place.

I wouldn't have sex with someone who told me I was unattractive.

What a disgusting man OP. So glad you own your home and not married to him. Please do continue with your plan to get out of this situation. Kick him out when you are ready and safe.

Honestly, as a lone parent for many years I can tell you my life is a lot easier and peaceful without a useless, disgusting perverted asshole in it.

Citizens advice, it’s on the list! Thank you

I didnt think of it like that, I guess he didnt have that much to learn

Lookin into how to do that. Having enough to live on whilst maintaining debt is the goal

yer hes into it

Im glad too. Im glad things worked out as a single parent. I know its entirely possible and far better in a lot of peoples situations. I didnt quite see myself going there but have to admit its time for me to consider my own happiness and sanity. I am so glad for all the suggestions you have all given me, it is helping to put a plan in place so I can be ready. My life was always better when I was in control of it

You are correct. Engaging in disagreeable sexual acts will not solve my problems. I agree with your soloution

You really deserve better op and I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with him treating you like this. He’s acting like a spoilt brat and wanting you to do what he wants and how he wants it.
How dare he say those things to you and expect you to turn around and be happy about it and just do them, you need to step back and take time to look after yourself and family rather than trying to save what you have with him, you can do so much better than him.