Should I just do what he said?

[Lookingonthebrightside2022]

After saying’ I wish I was better in bed, maybe you could help me with that ’ one day, my partner made a suggestion that I didn’t much like, when I told him I didn’t much want to do that he said ‘I have to as I’m physically unattractive and I need to do whatever pleases him because I am so unattractive’. When asked he discusses no alternatives. He says for a person my age I should no more sexually and why don’t I know how to please a man? He’s told me I’m unattractive many times over the 12+ years we’ve been together, mostly over my weight as I’m 5 3’’ and 104kg. Admittedly I have put on a lot of weight with 2 unsuccessful pregnancies since 2022 and a now healthy 13 month old. I was probably 80kg before those pregnancies so I was never small except for a brief period I was down to 65kg near the beginning of the relationship. At present I am working on my weight and over 6 months have lost 3kg!! I know it’s not much but I am happy I am not increasing in size and weight loss is very slow for me in general, that’s just my body. I used to have a good job but now I earn less than half my previous salary, I was the higher earner by far but now I’m down it seems like the hos temper is to another level. I brought the issue up in relationship councelling and the councellor told him he should be more kind. He didn’t take that very well and continues to shout and be angry about my weight, my mums weight and all the other people in my family. I just don’t know what to do I’m trying but I just keep coming back to the conclusion this isn’t working. I’m in serious debt (due to a failed business which we are closing) and I am struggling financially. What to do? Any suggestions from you ladies and I’d be interested to hear from the gents if any of you read this thread. I need some perspective pls

He describes me as having 'Hit the Wall

A phrase generally used about women by misogynists.

Usually misogynists who are conveniently oblivious to their own deterioration in looks

Anyway - wall, the "wall" is generally a 50 something thing, and a woman who's recently had a baby and is looking after a young child is often not going to be in her best looks.

So he's full of shit on a number of fronts.

@Frith2013 I’m sorting through things it’s gonna take a while
@DamselinDistress24 absolutely. He has said all his friends think it’s unfair I havnt put his name on the house. I am also owing him a few thousand pounds he invested into our business so this is his justification. He has nagged me repeatedly about this. Recently I have begun to save a tiny bit to pay him back. This has made me feel better and know I’m on the path to getting out of the rut.

The business has ceased trading and is about to be closed incase you are wondering

Don’t put his name on your house whatever you do op.

Seconded.

He has said all his friends think it’s unfair I havnt put his name on the house

He means he's been complaining about it to them and they've made sympathetic noises.

Or he just made that up/exaggerated - in order to try to manipulate you.

He sounds all round awful.

An abuser.

And trying to get half your house.

What a dumb hustler. If he was nice and complimentary, he'd probably have got his name on the mortgage/deeds or got you to marry him and be well on his way to getting half the value of the house. But no, he's so dumb he repeatedly tells you he's not attracted to you and is so fixated on presumably porn sex acts, that he also uses your apparent (bullshit) unattractive-ness to try to coerce you into them.

He's not even a clever abuser or hustler, op

I am also owing him a few thousand pounds he invested into our business

If it's "our" business, why do you owe it to him?

so this is his justification

If you truly owe him the money back - then he's owed the money back.

He's " not* owed going on the mortgage/deeds of your property.

And if there was no enforceable agreement/contract by re when you'd have pay back the money ..... He can't dictate a date by which it must be paid.

He has nagged me repeatedly about this

What's his hurry?

You're partners (as much as he could be a partner to anyone), you have a child together, you currently live together ...what's the rush?

I have a feeling you do the vast bulk of the childcare (cause it's extremely unlikely someone so abusive does much) so how does he expect you to earn lots of spare money?

Just another stick to beat you with. Another way to try to stress you

I came on here to say to say exactly this.

@northernlight20 I’m not even dreaming of it. The house is for my kids. Nothing to do with him. @DamselinDistress24 We almost got married and then a tragedy happened and we never got there. In hindsight I can say everything happens for a reason. You are so right about a great deal of things you don’t even know. How’d you get so wise?!

Why would you countenance being with someone who tells you you’re unattractive?
do you think that’s how people who supposedly love each other talk to each other? Do you think that’s normal in a healthy relationship because it really isn’t.

@TeabySea it’s the creepy looser bit that I find so satisfying. It’s accurate….

Wait so...your name is on the house and your not married...so whats the problem?

Change the locks when he leaves the house, dump him by text and drop any of his stuff off round his mates house/post it recorded delivery.

Job done.
If he shows you to harass you, don't answer the door, just call the police.

Your problem has most likely been long term poor self esteem. This is not a recent problem. You say he has told you many times over the years that you are unattractive. Why did you not dump him the fist time he said it? That would be it for most people, yet you try very hard -3 times - to have a baby with a pig. That screams settling for abuse, and being a willing victim for some reason. Because he's abusive, and you are putting up with it, you shouldn't be having joint counselling, but you certainly could do with it individually. He has no respect for you, yet you let him stick around, when really, as its your home, it would be easy to kick him out. Then claim cms and UC and I bet you'd be better off than you are now.

@User364837 i think I’ve been here for so long that I can’t even see many of the things that are wrong. Slowly I’ve started to except crappy things as normal so I’ve got a warped perspective. I am greatful I have guidance from people in the outside. You are putting me and my expectations back right again

I just don’t understand how you can’t be absolutely raging about this, why aren’t you instantly thinking ‘fuck this, I am worth way more than this’. I know it’s because you’re being abused but there’s no way on earth I would tolerate any of this.

Please get help to
leave.

I used to have a good job but now I earn less than half my previous salary, I was the higher earner by far but now I’m down it seems like the hos temper is to another level.*

Your reduction in salary, while only 13 months on from growing and nothing his child is one of the reasons he should not be harassing you to pay back money.

If you truly even owe him the money back.

You were the higher earner. You own the house he moved into. He's been pressuring you to put him on the mortgage/deeds. He's gotten even nastier the less you earn. He sounds like he uses you, lives off you.

If he's not attracted to you, tell him to gtfo.... Look after himself.

You don't have to do sex acts you don't want to do because he's not attracted. If he's not attracted he should go and find someone he's attracted to. Except I bet he knows he couldn't do better.

We almost got married

That's called dodging a bullet to the head.

@Opentooffers you are right, this is not recent. I do have some issues of my own. I take it all on board. I will get some advice on your suggestions and really look at how things could be different

So, among many other things that he feels are wrong with you, he thinks you ought to lose some weigh?

I can think of an easy way for you to lose, say, 80 kg or so in one fell swoop...

Yes

He is horribly abusive, and it is recommended that anyone in an abusive relationship should NOT go to joint relationship counselling with their abuser. They just use it as another stick to beat you with, and end up pulling the wool over the counsellor's eyes as well. You'd think trained counsellors would be able to spot that, but they often don't.

Might I suggest you go back and have some more counselling, and this time go by yourself. And whatever you do, don't tell him you are going. You need help and support in deciding where to go from here, and you need to talk it through with someone.

OP you're deeply in denial. Things are not going to change or get different; they're going to get worse. Abuse normally escalates and I'm very concerned you're going to be pressured into things you don't want to do.

As a first step can you please contact a domestic abuse helpline for a chat and to clarify what's going on. You could try the National Domestic Abuse Helpline it's open 24/7.

78kg to be exact!