How to stop being opinionated about partner’s children

[toobusybee123]

Hi all,

I’m struggling at the moment with my partner. I don’t have children, he has three.

We’ve been together for a number of years but lately I’m having trouble with having a lot of negative feeling / opinions towards the way he chooses to parent.

I fully recognise that I have no right in any of this, and that I don’t understand what having children is like.

I suppose I’m just trying to ask for some advice about how to manage my negative emotions, and how to accept that it isn’t my role to challenge him in this area.

PS before anyone goes in on me for questioning someone else’s parenting when I’m not a parent myself - I absolutely recognise that this is not okay and it’s what I’m trying to work on, so please be kind - I’m struggling with feeling like a bad person over this xx 🙂

Is the mother of these kids playing any part in your negative emotions?

And kudos to you for being with a man with 3 kids and having none of your own. Its a wonder you've not gone mad long before now.

Not being a parent doesn't necessarily make you blind deaf and wrong.

Thank you :)

And yes she does definitely play a role - she’s very influential in terms of the kids and he worries that if he rocks the boat in any way (ie by parenting in a way she may disagree with) that she’ll use her influence to her advantage to intentionally damage their relationship with him

Things have become more amicable but I still feel she always has the upper hand in terms of indirectly controlling what he does / doesn’t do out of fear

No that’s true I suppose I just recognise that because I have no personal experience that it doesn’t feel like my place to judge? Maybe I’m being too harsh on myself I’m not sure!

What sort of things are annoying you?

Indeed. He will want to keep her happy for reasons of an easy life and not losing any sort of unofficial arrangements they have regards childcare/holidays/costs etc and all that co-parenting entails. It's an unenviable position for him for he must keep the kids happy, you happy and the ex happy and if you feel he is pandering to the ex then thats when the whole thing falls apart.

As for coping with it, Im not sure theres an answer as such as all you can really do is tolerate it or dont tolerate it. Im sure you can offer your input but ultimately he will make his own decisions and be lead by the ex.

Is everything else good in the relationship? Are you appreciated etc?

The one that came up tonight is him not promoting independence in his DD2 who is moving out to uni next year

eg driving her back and forth to places even if it’s inconvenient for him/us or far away when there’s public transport options because their Mum does everything for them so he feels he has to do the same. She’s never had to do anything for herself and I’m worried she won’t manage at uni because of this

In retrospect I wish I'd intervened more between my ex-husband and his son, but felt it wasn't 'my place.' I now think that while he was under my roof I should have taken more responsibility for his wellbeing. It's not like my ex beat him or anything, but I don't think he handled things well and caused my stepson to retreat into himself and he eventually went back to live with his mum.

I think the easiest way I can explain it is this. From the outside, parenting seems simple, because it's about the situation in front of you at the time. Child does X, what someone should do is Y. From the inside you are dealing with complicated emotions about your baby being hurt and trying to make a fully formed adult. The relationship is always more important than the situation.

The problem is that in step families, the relationship is further complicated with the ex, and the step mum. You no longer have one unified goal in the family. It's hard.

There's a Thomas Kilmann (sic) graph which is really good. Shows the different communication styles with the reasons. Basically, for him, the relationship is always going to be more important than the goal. For you, it's the other way around.

Yes it is really hard to balance the needs of me, his three kids and his ex for sure, and that’s why I’m feeling so conflicted about it because I know he’s in an impossible position and can’t please everyone

Everythjng else is great - we’re happy, compatible, deep love and care there etc etc, apart from this with the kids there aren’t any other tensions

That’s sad, thank you for sharing and definitely don’t put any blame on yourself ❤️ my partner is a good Dad and his parenting doesn’t have a negative impact on them emotionally so that’s why I feel guilty for having opinions as his actions aren’t having any obvious negative consequences on the kids, if that makes sense

The example you gave .. annoying maybe? But doesn't sound too bad just inconvenient. Around this age I was very independent whereas some of my friends had very hands on parents who would have done the same thing. I actually think it's a sign of care

Thank you, that diagram makes a lot of sense to my logical/science brain in terms of helping me understand where the difference lies between me and him xx

Ah it doesnt sound too bad then. But I guess it depends how much of his time is spent ferrying the kids around, if it impinges greatly on your time etc. Do you live together? If so in his house, your house, or a house you moved into together?

Yes it felt silly typing it out to be honest as it should be a non-issue. And I totally agree it’s a sign of care on his part.
He actually would like her to be more independent but when he’s raised the idea of trying a bus or train for example they’ve had an argument because she comes back with ‘well Mum takes me everywhere’ etc etc. so he hasn’t raised it again

No we have our own homes but we spend most of the time he hasn’t got his kids together.
It does impact the time we have together but not to a huge extent.
Thank you for helping me to put this into perspective and to see that these things are pretty inconsequential for me xx

Thinking about it, I think it’s what @Camelphat said - it’s less about the specifics of how he parents, and more about the general principal that he parents based on fear of what his ex (their Mum) might say or do in response, and how this would affect his relationship with his kids. So I think the real issue for me is not knowing how to deal with my emotions about the way he is still treated / controlled by his ex to some extent, like it feels unfair

Yeah in my eyes the root of the problem is the pandering to the ex. Thats the cause, the nuts and bolts of it are the symptoms. If he'd chosen of his own free will to ferry the kids about then you may have been more accepting of that.

But I'm not saying he's right and you're wrong. You dont want to feel that you're coming last in his equation. It all comes down to tolerance. How much of it can you tolerate? Will there be an end in sight or is there still years of this to come with teenagers etc then when they're back from uni etc.

Over the years is his availability for you dwindling?

Yes that definitely is the root of it

I think I do often feel like I’m coming last, but his children absolutely should and do come first which is right, but it’s just his ex feeling like she comes second sometimes

I do worry that there won’t be an end to this, as there’ll be uni, moving back in, financial stuff (though not married so has no direct impact on me) etc etc as you say - I did share this with him that I’m worried it will carry on but he said he didn’t see that happening.

His availability is increasing if anything, we do get more time together than we used to :)

I suppose I just need to accept that the ex will always be a factor and accept that he will make his own choices, and I’m better to accept them or just not to mention them perhaps? Unless it was a major issue which it hasn’t been

It does sound like there is some entitlement on the daughter's part. It's really not something that should be causing a heated argument and it should have no bearing whether or not her mother drives her everywhere, that's her mother's choice. She should respect his no, and she probably does need develop independence a little. Most parents do drive there teenagers around, but not literally everywhere - especially at her age.

What a refreshingly helpful and non judgmental thread this is, you have got some good advice OP.
My only advice would be make sure you have a space and opportunity to always share how you feel and what you need, sometimes a good rant can be a huge weight lifted.
Don’t lose yourself trying to be considerate and understanding of everyone else.

This is a brilliant post. It really resonates with me (mum of 2 teens living with partner who is not their dad)

I agree it should be up to the both of them separately. The more I type out about the driving around issue though the more I realise that the core of that is about the ex still having influence than the actual lifts themselves xx

I think I do often feel like I’m coming last, but his children absolutely should and do come first which is right, but it’s just his ex feeling like she comes second sometimes

And this is the crux of it all. If you feel you come behind his ex then thats when the rot sets in. I wouldnt say you should be scared to say anything/rock the boat, put play it by ear. Im guessing hes not the type to fly off the handle when you question things? Its so hard because neither of you wants to cause resentment.

The separate homes thing helps as you arent in "his" domain or vice versa. No idea on what your future plans are regards living together but perhaps thats not a worry right now.

I'd say you should still chip in when you need to but pick your battles wisely. He may appreciate the vote of confidence and be able to stand up to the ex if he feels you're supporting him, or alternatively he may get annoyed if he feels nagged! Its a tricky one but you definitely shouldnt feel silenced. You're his partner so he should value what you say, diplomatically of course!

I’d sort of braced myself having seen other threads but I’m honestly so grateful for how understanding you have all been, it’s really helped me to feel better about this and to see it more clearly

I’m certainly guilty of being sometimes overly considerate but definitely still feel I have a space to share how I feel

(my partner is willing to listen about these things and tries to appreciate my position so I do feel heard)

Thank you all ❤️I really am grateful