How to stop being opinionated about partner’s children

[toobusybee123]

Hi all,

I’m struggling at the moment with my partner. I don’t have children, he has three.

We’ve been together for a number of years but lately I’m having trouble with having a lot of negative feeling / opinions towards the way he chooses to parent.

I fully recognise that I have no right in any of this, and that I don’t understand what having children is like.

I suppose I’m just trying to ask for some advice about how to manage my negative emotions, and how to accept that it isn’t my role to challenge him in this area.

PS before anyone goes in on me for questioning someone else’s parenting when I’m not a parent myself - I absolutely recognise that this is not okay and it’s what I’m trying to work on, so please be kind - I’m struggling with feeling like a bad person over this xx 🙂

No he’s not the fly off the handle type at all, he’s always very calm and collected even when we are disagreeing.

We’ve said we’ll reassess living situations once the kids aren’t coming to stay as regularly, and I’m happy with having our own space at the moment as it suits both our lifestyles currently

He said he does appreciate me looking out for him and caring for him by raising it, but he also has said that he is trying his best to balance everyone’s needs which I do understand. So don’t worry, I do feel valued by him

I agree, and I’m glad that it also resonates with you being on the other side of the coin to me x

@icanatilldancetowhigfield may I ask what your dynamic is like / how it feels from your perspective as the parent with a childless partner

My situation is slightly different, but I can relate hugely.
My DH panders to things I think are ridiculous because he fears losing a relationship with his children
There are many examples of parenting that I would never do with my own children.
I have learnt the hard way that unless it impacts on me and my youngest (17), then I totally stay out of it.

There are many times I would like to intervene because I really love his children, and I think having brought up 3 myself I have good advice to offer. However doing so is the only thing we ever argue about, and I have a wonderfully happy marriage and life, so it just isn't worth it.

My DH never questions any of my parenting, and my DS is with us full time since his dad moved overseas. So I have chosen to get on with my life when his are here, and stop interfering 😂. If they want to join me and my DS on an activity I see as fun they can, if they don't want to I've stopped forcing it.
I also quite often go to my mums or to see friends with my DS, so they can have some 1-1 time with their dad.

It isn't the perfect blended family I envisaged, but it works.

I think your attitude towards it is very healthy and is really what I’m aspiring to because similarly for us, it’s really the only thing that can cause arguments, and the rest of the relationship works.
The pandering rarely affects me directly and I know I could voice it/be heard if it did.
Thank you ❤️ I’m glad you’ve found a way that works for you, and I’ll use your experience as a positive example to follow! Xx

So many children return after university and live at home for years because of rent.
It is not easy having several working adults in the house, even harder if they are not yours.

Be very wary of moving in before you know how things stand.
Parents will not refuse an adult wanting to return home but it can be difficult.

My friend has three adult sons who remained at home because their lovely home is inna great location.

She and her husband have left them to the house and bought a smaller house nearby! The boys have rented out the other rooms.

Bit dramatic perhaps but she is happier with a much smaller space.

Adults working and living with parents is challenging.

Protect your peace.

@toobusybee123 I'm no saint, it's been a long journey to get to this point, and I still do get cross sometimes. We split up twice in the past because of incompatible parenting, and I felt it impacted my son (other 2 have left home).

Particularly with his youngest I have to try and look at his life as a whole, he has an awful lot of stress at his mums, and is expected to take on far too much responsibility, told much to much about adult issues. So every time he drives me insane, or his dad's Disney parenting infuriates me, I remember the big picture and why his dad wants him to have a safe haven. Then I go for a dog walk and tell her all about it instead 😂😂

On the specific lift thing it's like his DD is playing him. Of course it's nicer and easier to be given a lift over public transport.

He needs to look at why he isn't willing to say no. Is the relationship too fragile? Will his DD "punish" him by not coming to visit?

I can relate OP. I was in your exact position and felt those feelings too.

It's an unpleasant dynamic of feeling you're involved but unsure what your rights are. I was carrying additional resentment / stress that his eldest daughter was being frankly awful to me but I didn't feel I could address it.

A therapist worked through it with me to help me find my 'place'.

She said no you don't involve yourself in parenting decisions however you are well within your rights to address anything that impacts you. In your situation I would be saying I'd like us to be able to have plans that won't be shelved on a whim by your ex. And also that you decide as a couple how to respond to demands. His concept of keeping everyone happy is unfeasible. He needs to prioritise your relationship and his with his kids. Her needs are unimportant.

Thank you - definitely in no rush to move in fully together and will ensure I think about the practicalities in the long-term future too x

It's the same for my partners kids in terms of their Mum oversharing with them and putting a lot of her emotions onto them.

Only recently she flew off the handle at their DS 15 and told him he was gaslighting her when he accidentally locked the key inside the house and it really shook him up poor lad, and he came to stay with his Dad for a few days as a result - so it's definitely worth remembering what you're saying about the safe haven :)

He said that he doesn't want to appear like the 'bad guy' and is worried that their Mum will use it as a reason to say 'your Dad doesn't really care about you' etc., and his DD2 especially can be very emotionally influenced by her Mum (who knows that)

I'm sorry that you were struggling with that and that his eldest was mistreating you, but I'm glad you worked through it and are more at peace with it now

I definitely agree about staying out of things that don't have an impact on me, but voicing my opinion if/when it does

:)

The safest thing for you is not to allow yourself to become lost in this relationship.
Of course he wants to be involved fully in his children's lives and there for him.
But letting you down last minute will nilly for a sudden lift for a child regularly means you should not depend on him.
That is not for you to accept.
So it is ok for you to have your boundaries too.
Remember that.

Thankfully I am generally quite independent (and enjoy it!) and although I love him deeply and love spending time with him, having my own time/space to do my own thing when he has the kids for a weekend for example is great too!

Thank you x

I think there will be a change for the better once his youngest has gone to uni. Your example no matter how you dress it up as concern about her independence ( she will develop this regardless at uni), if your being honest the reason it bugs you that he drives her about is that it impinges on you plans sometimes.
If her DM drives her around when she is living with her, it's no surprise that his DD is going to have an expectation that her DF will do the same. I'm sure he's aware that to not do sets him up as the less helpful parent in his DD's eyes too, and he doesn't want that to be a lasting DD memory of him.
If he actually picks his DD up from his exW's house when it's not his official time with her, and ferries her about, I can see how that would be annoying. That would be helping his exW more than his DD, which he should of got over by now.

It feels like your DP is failing to have age appropriate relationships with his DC. The one going to university is nearly an adult - but he is unwilling to set a few boundaries and encourage her to get the bus in case her mum objects. He's not supporting his DC gain independence which is his job as a parent.

Also, as an example, my DC's dad feeds them junk food and pop - this doesn't mean i have to. They are clear that things may be different at his house then ours.

She doesn't control him. He still takes her in to consideration because she is the mother of his children. She doesn't control his actions anymore than you do, especially with older children. He is absolutely right to keep a good relationship with her. They will share grandchildren, have weddings christenings etc to attend in the future. No offence but you guys don't share children and you don't even live together (ie have joint finances). Statistically speaking there's a good chance you won't even be together in 10 years. I understand why that would make anyone feel insecure but don't blame the kids - you chose him.

Yes I agree that the reason it frustrates me is if it affects our plans, as well as it being 'pandering' to their Mum, and sometimes it is ferrying her around on her Mum's time
But if I'm totally honest a lot of it doesn't have a direct impact on me/our plans so it is something I need to be better at accepting / not bringing up :)

I agree that I chose him and therefore choose the additional considerations that come with him having children

Equally though he has chosen me so I feel a certain degree of consideration for me/my feelings is reasonable

Count to 10 before you say anything ... ask yourself if ota necessary or can be rephrased i to something constructive

I love this advice, and I do generally try and do that in every aspect of my life - relationships, work, messages etc. (am a teacher so often take a few seconds to pause and then give a measured response to certain behaviours)

Thank you xx

If dad is seeing kids less (you mention you recently have more time together), then the driving could just be a way of them spending 1:1 chatting time together without it really having anything to do with the ex.

That's true, and one-to-one time as opposed to with the other two kids there as well (his oldest has a lot of additional needs so can dominate the dynamic a bit)

I appreciate the alternative perspective, thank you

Driving is also the time that a lot of children talk. Something about the parent being mildly distracted and sitting beside no eye-contact means it's a low-demand place to talk. Mine always does!