My partners mum is a heavy smoker

[Marie1988]

So my partners mum is a heavy smoker and I'm worried that when the baby is born we will have to visit her with the baby but she smokes in her living room, she has done for years. I've voiced my concern to my partner by maybe going into the lounge when we are her house visiting instead of the living room but he said it's full of crap there's nowhere to sit she will smoke outside and light candles and spray the room ect and I said to him the room will still be toxic to the baby but he doesn't want to voice it to his mum because she will basically just say I've had babies in the house before and I've smoked outside and sprayed the room before visits, my partner said he's stuck between a rock and a hard place I know it's her house but surely I don't want to be bringing my newborn baby into a smoky room whether she's sprayed or not it doesn't matter, am I being too much or am I being reasonable?? It's caused an argument between us now I'm really fed up tbh, I've even suggested she visits us and my bf pick her up but then he said she will question why we aren't visiting and I said we'll just tell her why then, I've gave loads of alternatives like use the other room when we visit, maybe she could not smoke in the living room on the day of the visit.
I need others opinions please.

Tia

There is no way I would be taking a newborn (or any child tbh) there if she smokes inside the house. I wouldn’t even want her holding the baby in clothes that have been smoked in. You have enough to worry about with a new baby as it is, you don’t need this too.

Definitely not being unreasonable. I wouldn't visit her at the house. And she'd need to get changed and wash before holding the baby at my house. No way would I be increasing my baby's risk of SIDS for the sake of saving her feelings.

What do you think will happen if the baby is in a smokey room for a couple of hours?

No way would I take a baby or any child into a house where people smoke indoors. In fact I wouldn’t even go to someone’s home in that scenario.

Your DH needs to be honest with his mum and tell her why.

What a silly woman. Spraying will get rid of the smell not the fumes.

Id be pissed off with DP, he needs to stand up to his mum for the sake of his babies health. Kick up a bigger fuss than she would.

Try and relax. I was like this with my ex mil and it gave me so much anxiety - but in the long run it will play out ok.

For the first few weeks you can camp out at yours and invite mil over. Get in a routine of inviting her on a set day or going out for a walk & coffee with the pram. Suggest she tries a vape. Buy her one.

If you have to go round on the odd occasion get your partner to open the windows and air the room out and don’t stay too long.

Im three kids in and learned to pick my battles - mine was her driving in the car smoking with my kids IN IT.

I know how protective you feel and how precious you feel this baby is but don’t start WW3 over something that might actually pan out ok. Just wait and see how it goes. You’re worrying over something that hasn’t even happened yet.

Your partner might actually come to the same conclusion himself when baby is here so no point arguing about it now

Don’t take your baby anywhere near her house

Can you cut out the middle man and have a conversation with her yourself? Just say you're not comfortable with it.

Ffs it's 2024, we all know the risks. I found myself much more assertive after dd was born.

I'm literally so stressed out to be honest, does anyone have any suggestions on what we can tell her to do? Awkward it's her house but I don't want the baby visiting there I said can she start smoking outside so the house becomes smoke free for the baby when it's born and he said yea but she will just moan about having to keep getting up as she got a bad hip ect 🙄 I basically told him if she's not willing to change in the slightest regarding her smoking habit around her grandkid then she's selfish and I will feel differently towards her she's one of those people where she's old fashioned in a sense like "I've had babies in the house before bla bla" she will think I'm over reacting and a control freak, fu*ked off is an understatement

Who cares what she thinks? Especially at the expense of your wee baby’s lungs

Doesn't sound like you'll get her to change. At best she'll tell you she's smoking outside but it will be instantly obvious she isn't, and then that's another fight. So I'd just agree to her either coming to yours or you picking her up and going to a cafe.

OP you’re being controlling by suggesting she doesn’t smoke in her own house.

Why don’t you buy her a vape and ask her to use that ok the days your planning to visit and air the room out.

But honestly - baby is not even here yet and your stressing about a situation that’s not even here yet PLUS she has already said she WOULD.

Give her a chance! You’re having a go at your partner over a scenario you’ve made up in your head. No wonder he is feeling defensive over his mum

Tell her straight the baby won’t be in her house due to her smoking in it. I’ve done the same with my MIL. I said she can come here if she wants to see my son. She doesn’t drive so she never sees him but so be it. I’m not risking my son’s health for anyone.

For the record you can’t tell her not to smoke in her own home, that’s entirely her choice. But it’s your choice not to bring your baby into that environment

It's much more sensible for your MIL to visit you. You don't even have to dream up any excuses - it's well-nigh impossible to go visiting at all with with a newborn.

Tell them the truth. The feeding / sleeping / nappy changing routine and all the paraphernalia you'd have to bring just to even leave the house make it impossible. Not to mention you are exhausted.

Your DH needs to support you in this even if it means a bit of plain speaking to his Mum.

Do you offer to pick her up or meet outside so your son can have a relationship with his nana?

She's said she would smoke outside whilst the baby is there but smoke will still be in that room before we've arrived! He has asked her but all we got was I'll spray the room 🙄

She doesn't want to vape as it makes her cough she prefers to smoke my partner suggested this to her a while back before we even found out we were expecting

I could long it off with recovery ect and advice best to come to us as I'm breast feeding and I'm still recovering therefore she would have to come to us that would be a good excuse

Yanbu. Ask the same questions in front of the midwife and again in front of the health visitor and also in your nct class and they'll all back you up

You both need to get firmer in boundaries and give up
On people pleasing it's part of being a parent get used to it now

Exactly what I said

In your earlier post you said she agreed to smoke outside for a smoke free house. The fact she agreed to that shows that she knows she should try. Buy her a vape - they are cheaper than cigarettes and see how she gets on.

But there really is no point arguing and getting stressed over something that has not even happened yet. Try not to fixate on her and turn her in to the bogie man.

She is going to be your babies nana for a long time - there is no point drawing battle lines at this early stage.

She might surprise you - she might not, then you can put things in place.

But you can’t use the recovery excuse long term and after a few months, she’ll expect you to visit her.

You need to be honest and firm in this and say you’re not prepared to take your baby into a smoky house but that she’s welcome to visit you as long as she smokes outside.

Just say no, you won’t be bringing the baby to her house as you realise it’s unreasonable to expect her to stop smoking. You are 100% correct not to take your baby there - but n fact it would be negligent if you did. She’s made her choice, so it doesn’t matter what she says/cries/sprays, baby isn’t going there - you don’t even need to think about it.