My partners mum is a heavy smoker

[Marie1988]

So my partners mum is a heavy smoker and I'm worried that when the baby is born we will have to visit her with the baby but she smokes in her living room, she has done for years. I've voiced my concern to my partner by maybe going into the lounge when we are her house visiting instead of the living room but he said it's full of crap there's nowhere to sit she will smoke outside and light candles and spray the room ect and I said to him the room will still be toxic to the baby but he doesn't want to voice it to his mum because she will basically just say I've had babies in the house before and I've smoked outside and sprayed the room before visits, my partner said he's stuck between a rock and a hard place I know it's her house but surely I don't want to be bringing my newborn baby into a smoky room whether she's sprayed or not it doesn't matter, am I being too much or am I being reasonable?? It's caused an argument between us now I'm really fed up tbh, I've even suggested she visits us and my bf pick her up but then he said she will question why we aren't visiting and I said we'll just tell her why then, I've gave loads of alternatives like use the other room when we visit, maybe she could not smoke in the living room on the day of the visit.
I need others opinions please.

Tia

And don’t give her vapes - baby shouldn’t be breathing that crap in either.

I've already said this to my partner now he's stressing because he's having to tell his mum why and she's difficult ect I have said I will speak to her so you don't have to I'll be reasonable obviously but she won't stop smoking in the house andi wouldn't tell her what to do noway but I could tell her the reasons why but she doesn't believe in sids and all the harm it can do she's a typical older generation who thinks they know best but either way I'm not giving in no way but she also has to try to understand and respect the reasons why surely

My MIL hates me and this is one of the biggest reasons why, I would never allow her near my baby with smoke smelling hands or clothes or anything and my child was not going anywhere near her house due to the amount she smoked in it. She made my life hell, not just because of this but it's a small price to pay for the safety of my child.

Not a cats chance in a microwave would I take any baby/child in there.

My mil was a very heavy smoker and within three months the family were expecting 2 babies. We all openly discussed it, my mil was keen to know what she could do whilst acknowledging she wasn't giving up. When the babies visited she smoked in a different room and before holding a baby would ensure she had not had a cigarette for over an hour and would wash her hands thoroughly. Of course we would all have preferred her to give up but as that wasn't going to happen this worked perfectly. Both sets of parents were happy with this and she was delighted to be able to cuddle her new grandchildren.

Your MIL has said she will try to change her habits so as to not harm baby - give her a chance to do that.

However, if she doesn’t you need to simply stand your ground. Both with MIL and your DH. Baby’s safety is your priority. MIL has to visit you (DH can arrange) or you meet outside for a walk. Simple. She is not exempt from safety rules just because she is DH’s mum.

Send them this Facts Facts Facts Facts

edited to say I didn’t mean to post 4 times

What a shame for your son, to have obstacles put in the way of his grandmother being involved in his life. This should be an important relationship for him. I think you are vastly overestimating the risks from a brief visit, especially with mitigation by opening windows etc.

Alternatively she could smoke outside or give up smoking so the granny in this case has chosen smoking over her relationship with her grandchild .

It’s all hypothetical- the granny has said she would do as the DIL asked. Dil is stressing herself out over events that have not even happened yet.

I would ask her not to spray anything in the room as I'd be more worried about the baby breathing in chemicals. I would also explain that you take the risk of SIDS etc very seriously, you would love to be able to visit her at her house once your recovered however can she not smoke on the living room on baby visit days and open a window so it's aired out. All you can do is be polite about and if she refuses then stand your ground

Perhaps it would be worth talking to a health professional to try to understand how much of a risk a visit to the house would be. I suspect that it would be less than pushing his pram alongside a busy road. I'm a former health researcher, though not up to date on this, but thought the risk to babies from smokers was prolonged, close exposure from sharing a home, not the odd cuddle and home visit. Of course avoiding pollution is good, but as a parent we do have to balance risks and benefits all the time. A brief visit to MIL's house, visiting in a room that she doesn't smoke in, and ventilates before & while you're there, is not likely to be any risk. This needs to be balanced against real and actual harm to your DH, his mum, stress to yourself, and harm to the baby too if it doesn't get to develop a relationship with a gran who's keen to be involved. A living grandparent is a precious gift to a child, not something to be dismissed because of anxiety which may be out of all proportion to the risk. I'd love to have my chain-smoking nan back. I treasure my memories of going to stay at her house, despite the smoke. I loved her, and she loved me. That's what life is all about.

I'm a smoker for my sins but I haven't smoked indoors (even my own home) for over 20 yrs at least. It's gross even for me so I'm pretty surprised people still do this- not to mention how stained the walls/ceilings get.
Just refuse to go but always invite her to yours/a neutral place- cafe etc .
I'm getting on a bit (mid 50's) but as a smoker she needs to understand times change- the only people I know who would do this are much older - late 60's at a push more like 70's most of us don't do this IME. If I am lucky enough to have grandchildren one day I wouldn't dream of smoking anywhere near them or even in front of them!

Yes you're right, but it's also possible that she doesn't think she has much chance of quitting, or maybe that her DIL is very inflexible and she will be excluded for other reasons. I agree that it would be a win-win if she'd quit, or mitigate by smoking outside, or by vaping.

It is good to improve indoor air quality, but in focusing just on smoking, sometimes we don't realise that eg scented candles and room sprays cause indoor pollution too.
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jan/09/too-many-smelly-candles-heres-how-scents-impact-the-air-quality-in-your-home

A midwife told me that anyone who smokes must change clothes before holding baby as the fumes are toxic. Smoking and second hand smoke increase the risk of Sids. No way are you being unreasonable. Stick to your guns and say no. She will have to come to you.

Thank you @Ahwig for this. My late MIL and FIL were heavy smokers and we always had to spend Christmas there, and some adjustments were made when we had a newborn, but probably not quite enough for me (I have 5 so almost always had a newborn) . Your concerns are valid. And, if there are alternatives, you should explore them, them coming to you etc. and I would agree with some other posters, speak directly, it isn't the norm, but it can yield a better result. I would not put yourself through it if you do not get the response you need. Be blunt if you have to, you are not paranoid. Hope you can navigate this xx

Nope

My son is looking like he’s asthmatic and last time we visited he had to go on steroids but go ahead and tell me how I’m over estimating the effects. If anything you’re under estimating.

I don’t even have bad lungs (apart from pleurisy a few times) and my chest tightens when I walk into her house never mind a wee baby’s!

I wouldn't go into a smokers house myself. Certainly wouldn't subject a baby or small child's lungs to her disgusting habit

Smoking in a house is just plain lazy tbh

Really stressful. But I would say thank you very much re smoking outside and then at least you have a boundary for the future.

I'd push back against the room spraying and candles as these would make things much worse imo. Simply not worth the bother and expense to her and actively bad for the baby. If she wants to do something helpful then open the window!

I visit people at home as part of my job and it's about my least favourite part of the work. We try to see anyone who smokes inside on the last visit of the day, ask them not to smoke for 2 hours before we visit and tbh I minimise what I take inside, take off my coat before going in, and shower when I get home. But that's because I hate it so much, not because there's even a small risk to me. A newborn is a bit different.

Smoking outside for the day still isn’t staff for the baby. You need to tell Dh that the baby’s health comes before his Mum’s feelings.

What do you think will happen if OP prioritises her baby over someone's filthy habit?

I can't and don't want to stop you smoking in your own house, but we all know that smoking lingers and is harmful to babies - we really do want you involved in ours and our child's (use name her) life though, so please can you come to us? When suits?