Have I no self repect? Or should I put DS first?

[SadOldFool]

Torturing myself over this and really don't know what to do.

H has been keeping in touch with and seeing someone surreptitiously (I caught a hint a few days ago which led to further evidence emerging today.)

I don't know if they are currently just friends, EA or FWB. I do know they've had a intimate relationship in the past.

I'm here because I don't know who to talk to but I feel heartbroken.

We have a 10yo with Autism but only married last year. H is a recovering alcoholic. I'm afraid I have been spectacularly stupid.

I feel worthless and unlovable.

DS has been much happier since we married and, for the first time, lived together as a family. He loves having his Dad around.

I don't know if I can pretend I don't know. I have no idea what I want. H is away for a week.

Help.

Put ds first. If that means leaving a cheating husband, then so be it.if dh is cheating, then you won’t be happy, and ds will pick up on that. Dad can still be part if ds’s life, even if he’s not living with you.

I think putting DS first probably means staying in the marriage (partly for financial reasons). Unless I literally can't function.

I can't do a pick me dance. I can't believe how terrible I feel.

Edited to explain financial dilemma. DS' needs makes it hard for me to work at the moment (not in school ft). H gave up work for medical reasons 2 years ago. When we married he had debts, I had assets (my home). I assume if we separate I would have to financially support H as he has almost no income (neither do I but I have inheritance from recent bereavement). I was hoping to get us on a financial even keel with just enough to live on by the middle of next year. I think DS will always need support.

Living in an unhappy marriage is Not putting ds first, which is why I said that leaving him will be putting ds first!

If you are not in a mentally or physically good place, you will have less capacity to care for your son, particularly when he is experiencing a tough time.

Has DS been happier because you got married, or was he happier because his parents were happy?

My Sen kids really pick up on mood shifts, even if I think I have covered it. This is one occasion where putting yourself first will be better in the long run. Transition and change can be difficult for neurodivergent people. But with patience and consistency, you can all get through whatever lies ahead.

I stayed in a unhappy relationship. My partner didn't cheat but after I met my new boyfriend at work i realised how much my husband wasn't making any effort. I know it's hard to walk away and financially difficult. But once I get a proper place of my own I can spend all the time with my kids. All this crap about costly for the woman is rubbish. Once you leave you don't have to pay mortgage, gas, electric, etc for w bigger house. Yes, I lose out on my half of the house but I still have my pride. I only pay the cost of my room.

Where is your husband for the week? At least you have a bit of distance this week tk think about what you want.

DS loves having his Dad with him in the house.

Thank you @minisoksmakehardwork @Fireworknight @Feelingbuthoping and @Crazykefir I keep trying to reply and my brain is not working properly.

H told me he was going to visit family and a friend which is true I'm sure. He then mentioned he might go to a city he'll be near tomorrow which, I believe, is where he's seeing his secret friend.

I am completely confused, sorry if that sounds useless.

Please get some legal advice, the shorter the marriage the better when it comes to assets in divorce.

I know it's not really true but I feel as if I'm a terrible person and don't deserve any support or happiness. I feel stupidly sorry for myself.

It's probably a good healthy thing that now DS is asleep, a few tears are falling.

Putting your DS first means him having happy parents.

Your staying with your twat of a husband isn't going to make you happy. Especially as this won't be the last time he fucks someone else.

Leave him. It's the only possible answer.

If you are looking after a disabled boy in your own home that was yours before marriage then I really don't think you will have to financially support your husband.

If you can't leave then perhaps accept you're in an open relationship and make your peace with that. Plenty of women turn a blind eye.

I would get regular STI tests if you continue sleeping with him and would stop checking up on him as there's no point.

You already have a lot to deal with as he's an alcoholic as well as caring for your son. I would focus on things outside your marriage and look for emotional support elsewhere.

I feel as if I'm a terrible person and don't deserve any support or happiness

You’ve been dragged down for so long that you can’t lift your head and see the light, OP. It’s time to break free from your cheating layabout of a husband. You do deserve support and happiness, but he won’t provide them. Staying in an unhappy marriage for DS’s sake will not make DS happier in the long term.
Sending you hugs and strength to care for yourself and DS.

Thank you @username7891

I hope you are right. Thank you for this.

Your excellent username makes me think you probably have a point even if I don't elfind it comfortable.

@Hairyesterdaygonetoday you are right. I feel defeated.

Op, you are not stupid or worthless or unlovable. In any way. If your husband is shagging someone else, that is on him, his shit choice, literally nothing to do with you.

And if he is, he isn’t very bright is he? You’ve found evidence, he doesn’t work and you are supporting the entire family financially? Why these stupid, stupid men don’t think things through, think of the consequences, I will never know.
Whilst he is away, speak to a solicitor regarding your financial position. With such a short marriage the division of assets may be highly in your favour. Then, I would confront him when he gets back. Be calm, collected and ice cold. He will lie (they all do) but you might start to get small snippets of the truth.
Establish your financial position, find out exactly what the sad bastard has been up to and go from there.

I really would not recommend turning a blind eye. I think that would eat you alive and definitely not be in the best interests of you or your child.

You are not a terrible person. You've made a mistake. You need to cut this marriage short. The longer you stay, the more you lose, emotionally and financially. Your son needs you to do the right thing, even if it is hard.

Staying with a man who treats you badly will destroy you. That is of no benefit to your son. Of course he likes his father living with him, what child wouldn't? But at what price? If it means he loses his mother to depression and self loathing, and all the other things caused by a shitty marriage, it is too high a price.

Use this week to get organised. Pack his bags and tell him he's not coming back. You can get divorced after a year and 1 day I think.

You are not worthless at all. Wonderful people get cheated on all the time. That is the way of the world.

I have no advice about whether you should stay or go.

Don't mingle that inheritance in any joint accounts or apply to the mortgage!!

See a solicitor and put the inheritance in a separate account that is yours alone.

I appreciate the perspective of those saying 'Leave and do it soon'. I am trying to figure out what this would mean in practical terms. It feels awful.

Making my peace with it, as @username7891 describes, is another way. To paraphrase Emma Thompson in Love Actually 'is it just a coffee, coffee and sex or coffee and love?' I can never really know, even if I confront H. As username7891 says there's no point in checking up (if I've decided to see if I can live with it).

Can you afford legal advice?

You can't make any sound decisions until you know where you stand financially

I hope just 'talking' it through on here is helping give you some clarity. We cannot decide what is right or wrong for you, and only you know how much you are prepared to put up with. But take care of yourself in all this too as there's the very real danger of throwing yourself all in your make your son and your husband happy to your own detriment.

You are spot on.

It has been a huge relief to be able to put my situation and feelings into words.

I will get more legal information and advice. I have had a look at the basics of legal separation. This can happen while still under one roof and children's needs are mentioned as a reasonable reason to do this.

As the feeling of shock passes I'm thinking about what I want and need. Thank you everyone who has posted. I really appreciate it.