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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I no self repect? Or should I put DS first?

65 replies

SadOldFool · 08/11/2024 21:28

Torturing myself over this and really don't know what to do.

H has been keeping in touch with and seeing someone surreptitiously (I caught a hint a few days ago which led to further evidence emerging today.)

I don't know if they are currently just friends, EA or FWB. I do know they've had a intimate relationship in the past.

I'm here because I don't know who to talk to but I feel heartbroken.

We have a 10yo with Autism but only married last year. H is a recovering alcoholic. I'm afraid I have been spectacularly stupid.

I feel worthless and unlovable.

DS has been much happier since we married and, for the first time, lived together as a family. He loves having his Dad around.

I don't know if I can pretend I don't know. I have no idea what I want. H is away for a week.

Help.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadOldFool · 22/11/2024 20:54

I've come back to this thread because I'm feeling quite cross with my DB and want to ventilate. I should probably and will probably let it go but grrr.

Urged by wise Mumsnetters and my GP I consulted a solicitor. I'm now fairly convinced my best course of action is to apply for judicial separation. DB has seen H and kindly helped him in various ways. He has told me pretty firmly he thinks H would be very upset and 'give up' (if I ask him to agree to judicial separation). I have no idea what he thinks I should do. Take any old shit maybe.

AIBU to be very disappointed he is not thinking about his nephew's wellbeing, let alone me, his sister. FFS.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Talulahalula · 22/11/2024 22:34

No, you cannot ‘take any old shit’, of course not. Your brother is not living your life and he has not lived your life. He has flitted in to be a Good Samaritan which is nice but that doesn’t mean he can tell you what to do or lay emotional blackmail on you. You will be no good to anybody if you don’t protect your own mental health and well-being.

CraftyYankee · 22/11/2024 23:19

Didn't he give up already when he went back to drinking? (Never mind the question of the other woman.)

Your brother knows nothing and needs to stay out of it if he can't be supportive of you.

Original poster
SadOldFool · 23/11/2024 01:42

Talulahalula · 22/11/2024 22:34

No, you cannot ‘take any old shit’, of course not. Your brother is not living your life and he has not lived your life. He has flitted in to be a Good Samaritan which is nice but that doesn’t mean he can tell you what to do or lay emotional blackmail on you. You will be no good to anybody if you don’t protect your own mental health and well-being.

Absolutely, fortunately I'm sure my (adult) daughter will eyeroll and tut supportively over her uncle's dim attitude. No point in arguing but honestly.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadOldFool · 23/11/2024 01:45

CraftyYankee · 22/11/2024 23:19

Didn't he give up already when he went back to drinking? (Never mind the question of the other woman.)

Your brother knows nothing and needs to stay out of it if he can't be supportive of you.

Exactly!

I'm afraid I will have to learn how to grey rock or whatever with DB. Much as I love him he has some funny ideas about what's reasonable and appropriate.

OP posts:
CoffeeAndPeanuts · 23/11/2024 02:10

Oh love, just what you need is DB's bollocks.

Don't let this set you back!!

you CANT stay with him, you CANT pretend it all great.

even if you could, DS would see through you like a pane of glass.

that was all before the drinking... just no.

you've been married a year.. and already he's cheating on you (either emotionally, physically or both)

get out now while you'll get the best settlement ever likely!

be strong!!

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 23/11/2024 03:48

SadOldFool · 08/11/2024 21:43

I think putting DS first probably means staying in the marriage (partly for financial reasons). Unless I literally can't function.

I can't do a pick me dance. I can't believe how terrible I feel.

Edited to explain financial dilemma. DS' needs makes it hard for me to work at the moment (not in school ft). H gave up work for medical reasons 2 years ago. When we married he had debts, I had assets (my home). I assume if we separate I would have to financially support H as he has almost no income (neither do I but I have inheritance from recent bereavement). I was hoping to get us on a financial even keel with just enough to live on by the middle of next year. I think DS will always need support.

Edited

If you only married last year and haven't lived together for long I'd get some legal advice, you may find he's not entitled to much at this stage. The longer you're married the more he will be.

NiftyKoala · 23/11/2024 04:22

Fireworknight · 08/11/2024 21:46

Living in an unhappy marriage is Not putting ds first, which is why I said that leaving him will be putting ds first!

This. Yes it the beginning it will be hard. So be it. Your son comes first and that means leave.

NiftyKoala · 23/11/2024 04:25

SadOldFool · 10/11/2024 16:31

Unfortunately I'm finding it hard to cope. I was calm for a while this morning, getting on with domestic jobs and telling myself I was just catastrophising.
Looking online for counselling I came across an article about EA which talked about lying by ommission. I am starting to see I've been led up the garden path.
H texted Happy Anniversary in the middle of the day and I can't reply.

It felt like another gut punch and I've hit a very bleak place feeling like I can't cope. I'm finding it hard to drag my mind onto the practical tasks that need doing and feel incredibly gutted. I should be doing things with DS but I just can't.

You are in a hard place, worried for your son and hurt from this shock. Be kind to yourself and give yourself grace.

Original poster
SadOldFool · 24/11/2024 05:18

SadOldFool · 11/11/2024 09:53

I struggled over night with very dark thoughts and had a long call with a wonderful and patient Samaritan.
Getting DS ready and to school was hard.

I've just seen a Co-op delivery notification showing that he ordered a bottle of gin last night. This can only get worse.

I was not wrong 2 weeks ago to say it could only get worse. H has gone from this to alcohol induced medical emergency in a short space of time and was taken to A&E by ambulance last night (hundreds of miles away).

It leaves me with a completely new set of questions and I'm going to start a new thread (with updated username).

It's exhausting and horrible and the whole bloody mess is a result of Hs utter selfishness. Our kid's birthday is in less than a fortnight. I'm not prepared for that to be ruined but I can't stop it being affected. Will his dad even be alive in 2 weeks?

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 24/11/2024 06:58

I read through this thread and was going to say you need to separate now while it’s still a short cohabitation and marriage so that along with the disabled child factor should mean a lawyer keeps you most of your assets. Then I read the whole thing and I’m going to be stone cold brutally honest. You’re separated, keep it that way. Just because he’s drunk himself to a footstep from the grave is NOT a reason to keep him. Tell the hospital you’re separated. If he needs support call your bil and suggest he puts his money where his mouth is and takes him in because you won’t. You didn’t make him have an affair, you didn’t make him sleep around, you do not owe him and you cannot fix him. If he dies, that solves a few of your problems. you are 100% not responsible for his spiral, your ds is your priority, alcoholics are not able to be there for their kids. Focus on your ds and his birthday.

Codlingmoths · 24/11/2024 06:59

I’m sorry that that’s really really honest, but I think it’s the truth.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 24/11/2024 07:30

If he was away from home was he with the OW, OP?
Please take care of yourself.
There are a number of threads on here about ladies dealing with alcoholic partners.
When drinking, the drink comes first. Even before children.
Whatever happens next you are not to blame and it’s not your responsibility.
Your responsibility is to your DS and you need to protect his future and security. The daft opinions from your family won’t protect your son.
Your husband has chosen to drink and cheat in the first year of marriage. That’s the story. He’s broken his vows.
As hard as it, it’s time to get angry and do what’s best for your DS. Which is to get yourself out of this marriage.
What it ‘looks’ like to others doesn’t matter. What matters is protecting your DS.

solice84 · 24/11/2024 08:05

Op this is a link to a support thread (it's a 2nd thread as first become full) I set up when I split up with my alcoholic h

Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

Trust me he won't change unless he's absolutely putting all the effort in ,not even for ds
Mine has gotten much worse and has totally ruined his life
That's not my fault
In my case there was no cheating
That's another issue I wouldn't be able to forgive, I could actually cope more with addiction than I could with infidelity

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