Have I no self repect? Or should I put DS first?

[SadOldFool]

Torturing myself over this and really don't know what to do.

H has been keeping in touch with and seeing someone surreptitiously (I caught a hint a few days ago which led to further evidence emerging today.)

I don't know if they are currently just friends, EA or FWB. I do know they've had a intimate relationship in the past.

I'm here because I don't know who to talk to but I feel heartbroken.

We have a 10yo with Autism but only married last year. H is a recovering alcoholic. I'm afraid I have been spectacularly stupid.

I feel worthless and unlovable.

DS has been much happier since we married and, for the first time, lived together as a family. He loves having his Dad around.

I don't know if I can pretend I don't know. I have no idea what I want. H is away for a week.

Help.

Unfortunately I'm finding it hard to cope. I was calm for a while this morning, getting on with domestic jobs and telling myself I was just catastrophising.
Looking online for counselling I came across an article about EA which talked about lying by ommission. I am starting to see I've been led up the garden path.
H texted Happy Anniversary in the middle of the day and I can't reply.

It felt like another gut punch and I've hit a very bleak place feeling like I can't cope. I'm finding it hard to drag my mind onto the practical tasks that need doing and feel incredibly gutted. I should be doing things with DS but I just can't.

Seek legal advice as a matter of urgency. The longer you are married, the more of a claim he will have on your finances.

When you married last year you had an asset (home) and now you have inheritance. He bought debt to the marriage. And you believe is cheating on you after just a year of marriage.

Im no lawyer or expert, but I’m led to believe that the longer the marriage the more of a claim he will have on your finances, plus you being liable to pay off his debts. If this marriage is not going to last then it is in your best interests to seek legal advice asap - you don’t have to act on it immediately but knowledge is power.

Thank you @Hollietree that is beginning to sink in.

Seamless cohabitation counts as part of the marriage. So if they lived together for 5 years before marrying, even if they are only married for a year subsequently it would be classed as 6 years.

OP said in her opening post:

”DS has been much happier since we married and, for the first time, lived together as a family.”

Well OP can clarify. I was making a general comment.

if it’s literally been a year you’d have a strong argument for keeping what you brought into the marriage, particularly if you’re a main carer for a child with SN.

Hi op,

you would need to check but I always thought that in case of divorce, you don’t share any inheritance except if said inheritance is absorbed by the buy of a shared asset.

So literally, he wouldn’t touch this money and only your income would be taken in account. Your son needs would also weight in how your income is counted. So if you don’t work that much or at all, he would certainly not have that.

Good luck 🌺

Not always. The family court has wide discretion and if needs necessitate it, it can take inheritance into account even if it’s been kept separate.

a short marriage with any inheritance being kept separate would strengthen OP’s argument to keeping and maintaining, what she brought in.

Yes, we did not start cohabiting until after marriage, but I do appreciate the heads up. Legal separation might be the right move though it feels awful to think of it. Because of H autism he has a separate space in the house eg granny flat.

This is not what I want but what I want was perhaps never quite real.

What a headfuck.

The only form of ‘legal separation’ you can get is a judicial separation, and I’m unclear as to why you would rather do this than divorce? The only real benefits are to stay married in order to receive pension benefits that would only available to a legal spouse rather than ex-spouse, or for couples for whom divorce is not an option for religious reasons…

Oh bloody hell. H has just had news that a friend has died unexpectedly (completely unconnected with current saga). He is in bits. I can't not be supportive. Ffs.

Does he know you know OP?

Could you not stay but also look for a partner for yourself? Not only has precedent already been set by your husband but you'll also benefit from the financial stability at the same time?

Oh my dear, what a lot to take in.
Yes, you should be supportive, but also be gentle and kind to yourself. You have a lot to process whilst looking after DS as well.
Whether you get legal advice this week, next week or next month won’t make a huge difference, I don’t think, but as other say, you need it at some point, if only because it will help you make decisions from an informed point of view.
I would say in due course once the bereavement shock is past, then a discussion with DH about what is going on is probably on the cards. You have been together eleven years at least, it if I understand correctly, so secret friends should not come into the picture. I would probably sit down and ask him what he is playing at. It’s easy for people online to say LTB but less easy when you don’t have the means and you have a child to consider. That’s not to say that you should stay, but you do need more of a plan and a bit of time to make a decision how to go forward here.
I would probably take it slowly, and continue with your plan to get yourself onto an even keel by the middle of next year. This is sensible regardless of what happens. I would try and think about yourself and what you want your life to look like, which might not be immediately clear. As other posters have said, it’s not just about DS’s happiness or your husband, even, but what you want to do.
Your husband also has a responsibility to DS and indeed, to you for as long as you are still married, and it might be worth reminding him of that. Whether you stay together or you separate, he will have to step up and also look after DS so you have a chance to rebuild your life, not just go gallivanting off to secret friend in whatever city.

Sorry but you need to protect yourself and bereavement or not file for divorce.

He doesn't have to move out but it will protect your home.

No

I don’t think any man is entitled to emotional support from the wife he’s cheating on.

Surely the OW can provide emotional support? Why should she just get the fun stuff?

I bet you’re now thinking ‘I can’t bring up divorce while he’s reeling from his friend’s death’. Well, let me be the heartless one who says do not let this cloud you. It doesn’t change YOUR experience, YOUR hurt and YOUR right to a respectful, supportive partner. Which he is not.

I would absolutely still use this time that he’s away to seek legal advice.

@Talulahalula makes good points about planning; just make sure you look after yourself and don’t let it go on so long that you jeopardise your financial position.

I struggled over night with very dark thoughts and had a long call with a wonderful and patient Samaritan.
Getting DS ready and to school was hard.

I've just seen a Co-op delivery notification showing that he ordered a bottle of gin last night. This can only get worse.

I found that it's possible to fill in legal/judicial forms yourself and make a joint application.
He's been sober just over a year.
His previous relapse started the same way, slightly 'off' behaviour, isolating himself away from family for plausible but not truthful reasons. Just one bottle (telling me afterwards he thought he'd be able to control it) planning to stop before anyone noticed.
It escalates incredibly fast.

OP it sounds like this could get very bad very quickly. I would forget the possible affair for now and concentrate on dealing with the repercussions of this. Does he have somewhere else he can go when he gets back home? He can't stay at home if he's relapsed.

It's clear how he deals with anything difficult now - he turns straight back to the drink. In my mind the affair/your son dilemma is no more. He's not suitable to live with and you have no choice but to split. I have a son with ASD so I can understand the dilemma you had, and how sad this whole situation will be for him, but the decision has been taken out of your hands IMO.

I'm afraid that is about the size of it. It doesn't make things easier but completely changes the picture.

@Jessie1259 I have just reread your post. It's good to hear that you understand about DS from experience. You are right, he cannot come home. DS cannot be around active drinking. H has taken the decision out of my hands by relapsing. The drink will be taking most decisions out of his hands now.

No advice but sending lots of love and support your way.