Dh deleting messages

[ConfusedDotCom1982]

ive name changed for this.
dh’s friend died last year, he got that friends wife’s number to send her condolences, she wasn’t his friend as such but obviously he would see her when he visited his friend and would chat to her too. Anyway within the few months following his friends death he would message the wife to see how they all were, not a problem at all he was being nice and caring I thought, even though the friend who died wasn’t a best friend and would only see or speak to him a couple times a year. Anyway I’ve had a gut instinct lately as I’ve noticed his eyes seem to be wandering so I’ve been checking his phone, he’s been messaging her still but deleting them, weird as I’ve never shown him that I was bothered by him checking in on her and the kids but then last night I checked again and he has deleted more messages between them these I I had to recover the messages in the iMessage app and saw him ask her if she was at home alone at any point during the week ( I would be at work whilst he is off sick at the mo) then the last message from him he asked her if she can see herself moving on with anyone else! Is it me or is that a really inappropriate question to ask a recently grieving widow? Also to meet up with her alone, surely if his intentions were good he would want to see them all her and her kids? Also why delete them? It seems to me he is testing the water but please correct me if I’m wrong. Sorry if this seems jumbled I had 3 hours sleep last night and very hormonal x

Even without considering anything else I think deleting messages in and of itself suggests there’s something in there that he doesn’t want to be seen.

Sounds like you need to have a conversation with him OP. At the very least he's pestering someone recently bereaved inappropriate questions.

This is what I think too, and it’s always him that starts the messages off, he they were that good friends surely she would text him too

This is also my thought if I were to delete a message between myself and a man I would feel guilty

A widow I know said she could hardly believe the swiftness with which men approached her - old friends, new acquaintances, widowers, bachelors and married.

Like a pack of animals after vulnerable prey.

I’d known a couple of men who had offered help to someone in similar circumstances and my god did it put their apparent ‘good deed’ into a new light for me.

My DH’s arse would not touch the ground if I thought he’d been taking advantage of another human being’s grief and vulnerability.

The attempted cheating aspect would be awful too of course, but the connivance, manipulation and predatory nature of targeting a recently bereaved woman - that’s utterly contemptible.

Yeah that would be the main red flag for me, deleting messages does suggest there’s something to hide

I've heard this from divorced women too - that the husbands of their female friends target them.

It doesn't sound good, OP. The deleting and asking if she can see herself moving on is a bad sign. How does she respond to him?
In your situation, I don't know whether I'd hold my fire and continue to monitor his messages or confront him. If it's the latter, you risk him minimising and making you feel like the crazy one given there's nothing 100% incriminating yet.

That’s just it, I don’t want to show my cards to soon then he knows how to delete the messages properly and apart from being in appropriate it isn’t sexual but the way I’m feeling I just want to scream at him

What an absolute predatory letch, pestering a bereaved vulnerable woman.

Utter creep.

I completely agree it is disgusting and I can’t believe he is doing it. Funnily enough yesterday I told him about a convo I had with the cashier (male) at Tesco and he just replied flirting was you! 🤦‍♀️🙄 bloody knob

Either way I hope you don’t have big commitments with this man

He has shown you he is keen to branch out

Dump

When my mum was widowed as quite a young woman, my dad's brother came on to her. 😖

So yeah. Grim.

Exactly this

He wants to shag her. I'm so sorry

Hey OP, I think you already know his intentions. The only question now is, what are you going to do?

Checking on his phone & recovering messages will drive you insane. Are you looking for evidence to challenge him with or are you waiting to see what he does next?

I am sorry you are going through this.

Ooooof not good
What were her replies ?
Not that it matters
I'd be absolutely livid

@RacerbackHeadache

"A widow I know said she could hardly believe the swiftness with which men approached her - old friends, new acquaintances, widowers, bachelors and married.
Like a pack of animals after vulnerable prey. I’d known a couple of men who had offered help to someone in similar circumstances and my god did it put their apparent ‘good deed’ into a new light for me."

Having been both a divorcee and a widow during my lifetime, I can absolutely attest to everything you say. I discovered that hetro men rarely ever pursue a friendship with women, or offer to help, without basically sniffing around for sex. Some don't act on it and only hang around in hope, others cut straight to the chase. Most of them have been "happily" married to good friends of mine actually and their wives would not have had the faintest idea. In fact they would've laughed in my face if I told them. I've come to the conclusion that men, married or single from 19 to 90 really cannot help themselves but see most women as a potential shag.

I’m really not sure what I want to do just yet I want to challenge him but I also want to see what else he comes out with too so I don’t know what I’m gonna do yet and yes I am driving myself insane I’m so drained now so I might have to just come out with it, I’m really tired so I’m going to sleep on it and see how I feel tomorrow

She didn’t really entertain him told him it was to soon and it’s all still so raw

In what tone is she replying? He's showing from his messaged he'd be willing to go there, if she was up for it. I'd personally be fuming in her position and telling him to fuck right off if he was asking when I'd be alone and if I seen myself moving on if my dh had died this year. I can't even imagine being in her position then having to deal with that shit.

And do you know what the real gut punch is, I told him that morning before I left for work that I’m pregnant and it was that evening that he started texting her again 😢 it’s a hard decision but we can’t keep it so I have that to deal with this weekend too and all I want is all I want is comfort from him (which I know I would get) but I also don’t want him near me at the moment either, my head is all over the place 😢 I just don’t understand it we have a brilliant sex life and are best friends we laugh so much together yet he has done this, I can’t work him out

Suppose the only positive of her knocking him back is that he'll have had his little ego bruised
I honestly don't think I could get past this but then I can not stand any sort of infidelity and could never be one of those people who gives a second chance .
Even if he stops messaging her now he's still tested the waters .
God I'm angry for you

No she isn’t up for it she is replying in friendly tones

Op some men could have the best life going with all their needs met and still cheat
Look at all the beautiful celebrities with everything going for them who still get cheated on by men who are punching well above their weight in the first place
Im sorry to hear about the pregnancy this is really bad timing

Personally OP my head would mentally say 'bugger off you creep'. But I would kind of want to keep it up to get your ducks in a row and also see how far he will go- that would make that choice easier for me to cope with longer term - if I showed my hand now I think my head would just be saying was it just a bit of inappropriate not thinking banter on his part- ??