Dh deleting messages

[ConfusedDotCom1982]

ive name changed for this.
dh’s friend died last year, he got that friends wife’s number to send her condolences, she wasn’t his friend as such but obviously he would see her when he visited his friend and would chat to her too. Anyway within the few months following his friends death he would message the wife to see how they all were, not a problem at all he was being nice and caring I thought, even though the friend who died wasn’t a best friend and would only see or speak to him a couple times a year. Anyway I’ve had a gut instinct lately as I’ve noticed his eyes seem to be wandering so I’ve been checking his phone, he’s been messaging her still but deleting them, weird as I’ve never shown him that I was bothered by him checking in on her and the kids but then last night I checked again and he has deleted more messages between them these I I had to recover the messages in the iMessage app and saw him ask her if she was at home alone at any point during the week ( I would be at work whilst he is off sick at the mo) then the last message from him he asked her if she can see herself moving on with anyone else! Is it me or is that a really inappropriate question to ask a recently grieving widow? Also to meet up with her alone, surely if his intentions were good he would want to see them all her and her kids? Also why delete them? It seems to me he is testing the water but please correct me if I’m wrong. Sorry if this seems jumbled I had 3 hours sleep last night and very hormonal x

Has he got form for this type of bullshit ?

This is one of those things that I just couldn't get past personally.

There's something just totally unpalatable about a man who has targeted a vulnerable women, a widow who is probably exhausted and emotional, in one of the worst times of her life, and is now having to expend energy on appeasing this predatory creep who has possibly unnerved her in her own home that he might turn up on her doorstep the moment he gets a whiff that she might be home alone. As well as dealing with his inappropriate questioning about 'moving on'.

I think you should challenge him immediately, if for no other reason that to put this poor woman out of the misery he is inflicting on her.

Yeah sorry, I'd actually be less creeped out if she were up for it but I think he's shown himself to be a horrible, predatory man and I couldn't stay around that

I think it is very very telling that in the morning you tell him you are expecting then that night he's messaging her again.

Someone said you don't have anything 100% conclusive yet. You do.

I delete messages each day for no real reason other than I like an uncluttered phone but…
He does sound like he is testing the water.

Oh OP, god love you.
He is a sleazy creep.
Preying on a vulnerable grieving woman.
I hope you took photos of the messages.
As others have noted, there is a type that flock to women they think might be vulnerable in grief to manipulate.
Mind yourself.

But he’s kept older messages that are of no importance

Then he’s hiding these messages from you deliberately.

Don’t let him know you’ve seen the messages. I wish I had held on a bit longer when I saw my DH deleting texts to a female colleague. All ‘innocent’ - so why delete them? He then started deleting deleting. Keep your powder dry. How about gently asking ‘oh have you heard from xxx lately I wonder how she’s doing?’ And see what he says.

OP!!! I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

It might be more informative to wait and see…. Hopefully you would still have access to messages. Better that than risk being gaslit?

@ConfusedDotCom1982, your H is trampling on a multitude of boundaries.

He sounds obsessed and is doing all he can to start an inappropriate romantic relationship with this vulnerable woman. He clearly gets a buzz from being her Rescuer, and is promoting a connection and reliance that go beyond platonic friendship. He is taking sneaky steps to hide his true agenda from you (deletions). Asking her when she will be home alone and how she feels about moving on speaks volumes regarding his true intent.

His contacting her hours after learning of your pregnancy shows where his priorities lie. You must feel crushed about that, @ConfusedDotCom1982.

If this were my H I would go nuclear over his faithless overtures, but I understand that you may want to investigate further. Although she is currently not biting, the day may come when she feels so validated by his attention that she wants to change and escalate the dynamic.

Urgh @ConfusedDotCom1982 i am so sorry that you are going through this AND a pregnancy! Having to deal with the second problem is enough.

If you can really do not tell him you’ve seen and see how far it goes. He’s been given the brush off (which is great) but clearly he is obnoxious and creepy and pushing boundaries he shouldn’t be. That would be some serious ick. Sort other things out (the proverbial ducks) and then confront him if he keeps trying.

I wish you all the best for the weekend. Stay strong.

I would wait and see if he continues to message this week and how the conversation evolves. Tough to work out his intentions at the moment.

Does the widow live close by?
Assuming you have no other children?

Thank you all for your kindness it really means a lot and also to know I’m not going mad.

She loves a 45 minute drive away, his mum lives across the road, his mum only stays there once a week though as she lives with her boyfriend

I’ve got an old phone that his iCloud is linked up to, the iMessage was turned off so I’ve turned them on and I’ll be taking the phone to work with me so I can keep checking. The messages are not constant, around once a month he will text her and they will chat for a couple of days with about 20 messages that go back and forth. So he might not contact her again for a few weeks so it will be a waiting game, although he seems to of ramped it up this time so maybe I won’t have to wait that long, who knows.

Sorry forgot to add yes we do have children we have 3

It sounds like you are having a very difficult time. You dont need to react at all at the moment.

You are not going mad- watch and wait - very very hard I know -

Hope you're ok OP, thoughts are with you. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

What do you mean when you say his eyes were wandering?

Adding to previous posters, I can confirm that as a widow I was approached lots of times by men (often married) over my private social media and WhatsApp etc. All known to me.

If I'd been up for casual sex, I could have had it every night of the week with a different guy, just by saying "yes" instead of "no".

Was I in the head space to deal with it then? No.

Did I keep any evidence of these interactions? No, because my children often use my phone and I didn't want them coming across them.

Have I told any of the wives? No because I don't have the strength to deal with the fallout, or the evidence to back me.

What shocked me is that it wasn't necessarily the flirts or the cads who put the feelers out, or tried to turn a plain message into a sexual one, it was the "good guys" and the men I thought were "decent husbands"; it was a real eye opener.

Be careful with turning the iMessage on, if the phone is linked to his account he will get a notification saying a new device has joined his iMessage, he might realise you are monitoring him!

Around 18 months ago our youngest got sepsis and we had a 5 day stay in hospital while he had the antibiotics, my husband gave me his phone as mine had ran out of internet, at the time I had no idea he would look to start anything with anyone else so I wasn’t actively snooping I was just bored and going through his app’s as I am nosey but he has the telegram app and there was a message from a busty blonde, first she tried to video message him then tried to call him then sent a message asking how he was, this was early hours of the morning when we were both asleep but he replied when he woke up saying “who is this” then followed by “yeah I’m good thanks are you?” So he was then engaging in the convo. She actually didn’t reply back and that was the end of it but since then I’ve been keeping an eye on it also last Xmas one of his customers added him to a WhatsApp group it was a local social thing she had set up but there was only 3 of them in it then then one left so it was only him and his customer and he archived the chat! I called him out on that as she had asked him to do another job and he arranged to go and do it so I put a stop to it.

it didn’t work, I’ve just got to work and sent him a text to see if it would go through but it hasn’t 🤷‍♀️

Don't say anything. Just keep monitoring it