feel ashamed for inappropriate reaction to man

[1423beautiful]

Too ashamed to talk to any of my friends about this especially as they know my husband.
I feel a complete idiot. married to a lovely man for 15 years. 2 lovely primary school sons . he’s amazing and supportive and an amazing dad. I’m so lucky and i know it. I’ve never felt real desire for him or anyone or been on the receiving end of real desire. he’s the only sexual partner i have had. sex is ok but i never get turned on.

i have spent life being quite unattractive to most men i think as don’t know how to flirt, quite serious and mouthy which a lot of them don’t like , working in building industry and as a successful woman not attractive and not good looking enough to be worth investigating. Never asked out on dates - was set up with my husband by a friend.

As a result of being so inexperienced I really think i have the emotional age of a teenager. I have hit perimenopause in mid 40’s ( on HRT) and like
an idiot have overreacted to a very attractive attached ( i know!) man at work who started gazing meaningfully and flirting with me. This has been building over 7 years in an office together. I have ignored it quite admirably for all this time as i didn’t really believe it was happening as so unlikely. At one point i was literally ignoring him as i didn’t have the self confidence to allow myself to be lighthearted about it’s ridiculousness. Unfortunately something then changed on his side out of nowhere and he really started ramping things up and I have been quite overcome with the force of my attraction to him. Never felt anything like it.
There has been a bit of lowkey flirting and it has really got to me and had an effect. I’m now feeling incredibly shit, not for the good reason that I have given my head a wobble but he’s now stopped and backed off.

I haven’t done anything seriously wrong and i know this is for the best for my marriage etc and have gone back to avoiding him but I feel really, really upset - actually humiliated to be honest. Avoiding him like the plague, not going to work drinks and doing all the right things but pretty devastated - I think because he has done the running and then withdrawn once I have revealed that I do find him attractive and I feel so vulnerable as a result.

I know that having affairs is disgusting but I really wanted to have one moment in my life before I died when I experienced being desirable as a woman and could kiss and be kissed by someone I really find incredibly attractive. It’s as basic as that.

He has made me feel like a fool and so I feel like crying all day every day because I feel so much shame for being so unattractive that he has backed off/ decided against it/ gone off me -and feel stupid to believe this was a real thing - this added to the fact that I am getting older and this was my last chance to experience this. i know I am being an horrible person but i am suffering in the middle of this all. It feels like heartbreak which is so ridiculous. and i feel so empty.

it feels like a physical pain to walk away from where he is and to shut down the chance of him approaching me again but I keep doing it as at least it gives me some kind of control.
how is this going to get better ?

Sorry, why are you married to a man who you don’t desire, he doesn’t desire you, and neither of you ever have?

If you wanted him, or felt he wanted you, job may not have spent 7 years flirting

You've done nothing wrong. No affair. Low key flirting - what did that even entail? I'm sure nothing that would amount to an affair! Look we are all human. We have base human desires and it's a different thing to think/feel something than it is to act on it. Please stop beating yourself up.

And the fact he's stopped doesn't mean you're some sort of hideous monster, it means he got the message and started behaving appropriately. As he probably believed you wanted him to. You've nothing to feel humiliated about.

I suspect you're missing the attention and that's why you're feeling a bit shitty. Could you try and invest these feelings into improving your marriage? It's a long old life to spend feeling unfulfilled and undesired.

interesting question. I love my husband very much but I never felt like a sexual person until recently. i had a very religious upbringing where sex was taboo. was boring into my 30’s. maybe on my side that has been a real factor and it’s only now that i am older i am waking up to that side of myself.
I think what i wrote isn’t clear in that my husband I think desires me as he wants to have sex etc -but it doesn’t feel to me that I am connecting with that on a physical level. I felt something unmistakably physical with this other man that I have never felt before.

thanks @princessfifi23 for your perspective and understanding. it is hard to know if i am overreacting to something that isnt that big a deal as you say. and maybe yes he feels that I have been the one that has drawn the line with him without intending to. there are elements to the situation that mean it might be that he is feeling like if i wanted something to happen i would have to do something. but i feel like i opened that door enough to let him walk through if he wanted to and he decided to close the door instead. so it feels like a rejection. but everything you say is right and i have been trying my best to invest in my husband and children.

I don't know what I'd do if I was you, honestly. I can't lie to you, if you've never felt real sexual love with a man then you have missed out on something wonderful. But you've got two lovely boys and a husband who provides for you and them, and treats you well. That's a heck of a lot more than many women have got, and do you want to risk that?

You stood in front of the registrar and all your friends and family and promised each other you'd be faithful. If he's kept that promise to you...

sex is ok but i never get turned on.

That's a bit of an oxymoron, no offence.

yes this is it exactly. thanks for the perspective

Can’t you try channel your new sexual awakening towards your husband? Trying new things? Even role play so you can both pretend to be someone else?

i mean i don’t dislike having sex with my husband but I come very infrequently so it is the closeness with him rather than pleasure that i get from it.

Don't feel ashamed. I know men get ripped apart if they said that here but I think you need compassion.

Is there anything that would make you feel lustful towards husband? Is it just the sexual chemistry isn't there?

Hold your head up high with this work guy. He sounds a plonker if he's going so far with flirting but then runs off after your declaration. I'd act as if I hadn't even said it tbh. Pretend he isn't even there.

yes I have been thinking that I have got to make more effort as you say - at the moment it just seems like effort after feeling something so naturally attracted and physically alive with the other man. i had to sit on my hands to stop wanting to touch him when he was near me. i’m constantly nervous around him. it’s really quite a major reaction and a new thing for me and i am really sorry it’s turned so sour.

The use of the world admirably was rather jarring.

But I do feel sorry if you have trapped yourself in this world - everyone deserves genuine passion and desire. I can see only two ways out from this, one is the status quo and the other is to leave and see what you may have been missing, in the knowledge that fields might not be greener on the other side.

I do feel sympathy, this sounds really hard. If it was just me, I couldn’t stay in a passionless situation, but I also wouldn’t start that way out. No judgement, only sympathy, you’re in a hard place. I suppose it’s about what you want from the future isn’t it really? Is there a way to find gratification with your husband?

Have you been given hormones to help with menopause?

They may be messing with your libido. It’s ok to have a crush but don’t act on it.

Unfortunately something then changed on his side out of nowhere and he really started ramping things up and I have been quite overcome with the force of my attraction to him. Never felt anything like it.
There has been a bit of lowkey flirting and it has really got to me and had an effect. I’m now feeling incredibly shit, not for the good reason that I have given my head a wobble but he’s now stopped and backed off.

You're seeing it as a rejection of you that he backed off, but that's a big assumption.

He obviously found you attractive enough to flirt etc. but you have no idea why he ramped up in attention and flirtation, and why he backed off.
He's attached.
Who knows what was going on in his relationship and life.
Maybe they were going through a rough patch.
Maybe he was having a mid life crisis
Maybe he got to the point with the flirting etc that he realised it could actually tip over into an affair and backed off because he didn't want to do that to his relationship, or be a party to doing it to someone else's marriage and family - a family with primary aged kids.
Maybe he spoke to someone about it and they gave him telling off/reality check.

Who knows?

I wouldn't pin your attractiveness on the behaviour of one (attached!). bloke who ramped up attention and then backed off. You don't know what's gone on with him.

I'm sure you could attract another bloke. There's not one person (or two) in the entire world who could suit us.

Tbh sounds like you don't and perhaps never really fancied your h. That's a big thing to be missing in a partner. People may end up not fancying their long-term partner, but they fancied them at one point. Whereas you've apparently missed out on that. Of course it's bothering you.

Whether it's worth ending your marriage and co parenting to try to experience it ..is the question.

Sorry I'm honestly not trying to be offensive or argumentative but 'never get turned on" and "come infrequently" are mutually exclusive.

If you "never get turned on" how would you come at all.

but then runs off after your declaration.

I didn't see anything saying the op made a declaration towards this guy (?) Was it the "revealed" shd found him attractive bit?

Was that verbal op?

I think you're taking this incredibly personally to your self esteem/looks etc.

Don't you think it's just as possible that the flirtation was fun and enjoyable but when you (finally) showered real interest/feelings back that it became actual "possible affair" territory and he backed away at the implications of that?

Or that there is stuff going on in his relationship that caused him to be keen and then back off. He's not single, it's not as simple as 'he acted like he was attracted to me, then he backed off, it must all face been lies/fake".

Some men are only attracted to women until said women reveal they’re attracted to them, too. I have a divorced friend who runs a mile at any indication a woman has feelings for him. I think his ‘logic’ is that if they’re in any way impressed by him, their standards aren’t high enough, or something.

Basically what I’m saying is his shit is his shit, in the case of your colleague. Sometimes people withdraw for their own reasons, and it’s obviously no indication of your worth or attractiveness, either way. Don’t castigate yourself for being attracted.

hi @Tittat50 i really appreciate your kind compassion. yes i am ignoring him as much as possible bar a hello when i see him. thank god i never actually said anything to him. but the sexual chemistry was so obvious that i know that he knows that he has affected me.

i think men are pretty straightforward when they are attracted to a woman- even one senior to them at work - and he has excuses to talk with me and email me about work things and he is doing absolutely nothing. if he wanted to act on this all he would but hes gone the other way- which of course for my marriage is a great thing and i should be relieved. but as this flirting is his instigation it feels a bit cruel. i didn’t encourage it at all and he’s made me feel rejected when he has done the running so to speak. I thought he was a good trustworthy person so feeling like it’s a game or he’s been bored or using me for his own ego makes me feel a fool.

I thought he was a good trustworthy person so feeling like it’s a game or he’s been bored or using me for his own ego makes me feel a fool.

Maybe he's a good person who realised he was about to embark on an affair with a married women with kids .....and didn't want that on his conscience (?)
And what about his partner?

It doesn't have to be 'he pretended he was attracted to me for amusement/ego". Maybe he was/is attracted; maybe it was a safe flirtation until he saw real interest/attraction/feeling returned. Then he realised it could become an absolute shit show.

There has been a bit of lowkey flirting and it has really got to me and had an effect. I’m now feeling incredibly shit, not for the good reason that I have given my head a wobble but he’s now stopped and backed off.

Of course he's backed off. He's a married man and he's probably sensed you're taking the flirting seriously.

Workplace flirting can be fun, but it stops being fun when someone makes it clear they want to take it further and you're both married.

He did the right thing.

I suppose I do think it is admirable if you find someone strongly attractive to make sure for years of working alongside him that nothing happens. I suppose i am trying to say that other people wouldn’t have had the same self control. to be honest part of all of this is that i feel like my whole life i have chosen to do the right thing in many areas of life rather than have fun or pleasure based on a strong moral and religious upbringing. as a result i am tired and feel a bit cheated.
thank you for your sympathetic comment. i would love to feel more fulfilled with my husband and i do love him so will have to think about this and make meaningful change i think.

I thought he was a good trustworthy person so feeling like it’s a game or he’s been bored or using me for his own ego makes me feel a fool.

Well he sounds like a good trustworthy person to me, and from what you've said I'm sure his wife would agree.

Workplace flirting is a game and it's one that often brightens people's days.

But if one half of the party starts to take it seriously, then it's no longer a game is it?

He 100% did the right thing as soon as he realised you were serious.

@StormingNorman i think you may be right that HRT is part of this but i have been on it for 3 years.

Don't berate yourself OP, as long as you've only been flirting with the guy at work then you've done nothing wrong. He's obviously enjoyed it but now has backed off as he saw you were starting to respond. He might have just enjoyed the chase and then got cold feet, especially as he was attached
No need for you to feel humiliated though, its not as though you were having having an affair and he's the one who behaved badly and led you on in the first place.
You do need to think long and hard about your marriage though as something is missing if you've never fancied your husband. I would guess your strict religious upbringing and the fact that any mention of sex was taboo might well have something to do with your previous lack of passion and desire towards your husband.
Maybe you could work on improving the pleasurable side of intimacy for you, if as you say that's what's missing.
And perhaps consider some couples counselling too.

I understand, although I wouldn’t use that word in particular as I don’t think it’s deserving of respect or approval to stick to your vows. You made a promise and no one ever said it would be easy, often promises aren’t straightforward to keep. It’s not about comparing yourself to other people, it’s about maintaining your own integrity.

But I do totally get what you are saying and I think that all of us definitely all feel at times that we have been the one to give way, or behave, or sacrifice for the sake of others. You sound exhausted by expectations and by ones that were entrenched at an early age due to your upbringing, that must be so tough.

If you love him then I think your efforts would definitely be better focused on making your life with him better - try and reawaken some of the stuff that made you both first attracted to one another and maybe start to speak a bit more about your wants and desires around intimacy. I really do wish you luck. 🍀