feel ashamed for inappropriate reaction to man

[1423beautiful]

Too ashamed to talk to any of my friends about this especially as they know my husband.
I feel a complete idiot. married to a lovely man for 15 years. 2 lovely primary school sons . he’s amazing and supportive and an amazing dad. I’m so lucky and i know it. I’ve never felt real desire for him or anyone or been on the receiving end of real desire. he’s the only sexual partner i have had. sex is ok but i never get turned on.

i have spent life being quite unattractive to most men i think as don’t know how to flirt, quite serious and mouthy which a lot of them don’t like , working in building industry and as a successful woman not attractive and not good looking enough to be worth investigating. Never asked out on dates - was set up with my husband by a friend.

As a result of being so inexperienced I really think i have the emotional age of a teenager. I have hit perimenopause in mid 40’s ( on HRT) and like
an idiot have overreacted to a very attractive attached ( i know!) man at work who started gazing meaningfully and flirting with me. This has been building over 7 years in an office together. I have ignored it quite admirably for all this time as i didn’t really believe it was happening as so unlikely. At one point i was literally ignoring him as i didn’t have the self confidence to allow myself to be lighthearted about it’s ridiculousness. Unfortunately something then changed on his side out of nowhere and he really started ramping things up and I have been quite overcome with the force of my attraction to him. Never felt anything like it.
There has been a bit of lowkey flirting and it has really got to me and had an effect. I’m now feeling incredibly shit, not for the good reason that I have given my head a wobble but he’s now stopped and backed off.

I haven’t done anything seriously wrong and i know this is for the best for my marriage etc and have gone back to avoiding him but I feel really, really upset - actually humiliated to be honest. Avoiding him like the plague, not going to work drinks and doing all the right things but pretty devastated - I think because he has done the running and then withdrawn once I have revealed that I do find him attractive and I feel so vulnerable as a result.

I know that having affairs is disgusting but I really wanted to have one moment in my life before I died when I experienced being desirable as a woman and could kiss and be kissed by someone I really find incredibly attractive. It’s as basic as that.

He has made me feel like a fool and so I feel like crying all day every day because I feel so much shame for being so unattractive that he has backed off/ decided against it/ gone off me -and feel stupid to believe this was a real thing - this added to the fact that I am getting older and this was my last chance to experience this. i know I am being an horrible person but i am suffering in the middle of this all. It feels like heartbreak which is so ridiculous. and i feel so empty.

it feels like a physical pain to walk away from where he is and to shut down the chance of him approaching me again but I keep doing it as at least it gives me some kind of control.
how is this going to get better ?

You’re being deliberately obtuse. Of course it’s possible to have mediocre sex which you don’t particularly enjoy, and yes even occasionally come during.

My dm had an affair late 40s . Looking back she says perimenopause definitely changed her behaviour.

And weirdly now I'm 40s I have spoken to lots of women who get to this age and contemplate it/have had affairs.
Unfortunately for my dm it didn't go well she lost her home my younger siblings stayed with my df and ignored her for years .

You thought he was a good, trustworthy person even though he has a partner and was trying to cheat with you? Love, you need to wake up. This is not a good guy. Just because he turns you on does not mean he cares about you or ever will.
What you have is an infatuation. In time it will fade, and you can help that along by not deceiving yourself that he is a good person. You can also help it fade by investing that energy into your sex life with your husband. If your sex life is in a rut, shake it up. Start looking at your husband more as a sexual being.
If you cannot manage to be attracted to him, then you have to decide what is most important to you, the chance to possibly find an (unattached!) man who you are attracted to by leaving your marriage, or the stability of your family.

Stolen fruit always taste sweeter hmm?
I'd work on building that connection with hubby not search for it elsewhere
I also think you're on dangerous ground here. Your whole op is about how stupid you feel that he doesn't want you back where you should feel stupid about thinkg of cheating on your dh

Have you ever tried to tell your husband what you like?
If you come from a strict upbringing, have you just had penetrative sex and left it at that?
Or have you actively explored what and how you like it?
Not fair on dh if 'you never really enjoy it's but haven't shown him to improve?

It is abuse though, religious abuse. I was raised the same way and have only just recently started coming to terms with this. I relate to a lot of what you say, which I think is hard to understand unless you’ve been raised in this kind of religious environment. It’s suffocating and quite frankly, warping.

Kindly op, I think you need some therapy to work through this. Your self esteem seems to be based almost solely on whether other people find you attractive? And you also think that if this had progressed, if this (married!) man had continued down this path and it had become an affair, you’d feel better about yourself?

Honestly, you wouldn’t. I know SO MANY people who have had affairs and in truth, despite the excitement and the “newness” and the thrill…..most felt like shit about themselves, before, during and even worse after, particularly when it all blew up in their faces, as it invariably does.

You have had a lucky escape here. Perhaps this man has (finally) remembered that he is married and doesn’t want to betray his wife especially by shitting on his own doorstep?

Get some therapy to work through your feelings about yourself and your husband. If you decide that actually, you want a more fulfilling sex life (as you understandably might) then separate from your dh, but do it amicably, without betraying your own values.

I think your fear around this makes sense. Saying that, it feels healthy to me that you are finally experiencing some of these feelings… I suppose now it’s about channeling them. I know you said that sexuality has been wrapped up in shame and there can be stigma about women pleasuring themselves in some cultures/religions/ families; but I do wonder if you need to be spending some time on you (separate from a man), exploring what you might like/not like. I think this is maybe part of the process during adolescence and early adulthood that you might have missed. I suppose there is a balance in this exploration; recognising that impulse for recklessness and keeping it in check whilst also allowing your sexual self to develop.

Also this is not really about this man… this is about your fantasy/idea of this man.
And also… the problem is not that you are unattractive. The problem is your thought/belief that you are unattractive.

never felt like a sexual person until recently

Peri menopause can do strange things to the libido. It can make some women feel rampant. Put your sudden interest down to that. You’ve done nothing wrong, no harm has been done. I understand his distancing himself once you showed a bit of interest might feel humiliating but try to reframe it. It’s saved you from the mess and guilt of an affair and also that he is flaky.

thanks for sharing. I think there is something of a
midlife thing going on for me and I don't
want to blame peri-menopause for my behaviour but I do feel like my body is driving this, not my mind -and that is completely opposite to how the rest of my life has felt.

i do feel at the one time terribly upset but terribly relieved. you are right.

@Brinkley22 yes i had no time in my life that would qualify as sexual exploration. you are correct about that. and yes it's the idea of him and what he represents that is the attraction, you are right. Ironically in order to avoid the feeling of attraction I have avoided trying to get to know him. this has backfired i think as it's meant that the attraction has grown in a vacuum. too late to do anything about that so just having as little to
do with him as possible. thank you for advice/ perspective

thank you yes I do need therapy to work through this you are right. i don't want to feel like this again. and i know that i would be absolutely guilt ridden about an affair. I wouldn't be able to handle the double life
thing at alll.

@CatPlanet thank you and sorry you have had this too. it does warp everything. i don't feel like i know who i am. there is terrible feeling of having lived my life wrongly and in a kind of delusion that has wasted my youth where i could have been working things out - in this case sexually. ironically its not that i want a different life to what i have now as i love my husband. he has had sexual partners and fun pre - me so when he settled down with me he'd expressed this side of his desire. i resentful at life and angry at myself and my childhood programming that i never have had the chance to do that.thats what is driving a lot of this i think i feel cheated.

@Ohhbaby yes you are right and i have to get better at this. it's hard to explain but it's hard for me to express sexual or romantic desire or need. my self esteem problems, lack of experience and the religious shame mean asking for sex or asking for things in bed or relaxing and not feeling like a burden if it takes a long time
to come etc etc are hard for me. with this man -i didn't want him to fall in love with me or me with him- i wanted to feel (and my body does ) abandoned to physical pleasure and transcend the things in my own head that stop that. he obviously represents that and that's why I'm having such an emotional overreaction to this whole thing i am coming to realise

@XChrome yea definitely an infatuation ! and yes i intellectually know that he mustn't be a good guy if he is doing
things like
this - but on the other hand I think i am a good person who is just dealing with being human. unless he is a real bastard and i have got him very wrong, he might be feeling as bad about this whole thing too. in fact i hope he is as that would make me feel this is just a bit of a mess between two decent people who are doing their best.
but yes giving myself continuous talkings to as per your very true post. thank you

A good and trustworthy person wouldn't be flirting with a married person while he is also attached.
If you don't want to implode your family have you considered finding a therapist for yourself. Asexual/greysexual is a thing, but it also sounds like to have some internalised hang ups about sex from your upbringing and it would be good to find some help to work it out. And ultimately surely the best thing would be if you felt desire for your husband? Why not give both of you the chance to improve your relationship and put more effort into figuring yourself out.

And I say all this as someone who is probably either asexual/pan or demi.
I can't imagine feeling sexual desire for a random person so strongly as some people do, in fact the idea of it makes my skin crawl.

Some men (and women) are just naturally very flirty people but harmlessly so in that they don't intend to follow through with the flirting. I think this man clearly finds you attractive and given that you seemed quite reserved and passive with regard to his behaviour he felt he could enjoy teasing and flirting with you without repercussion. Well it bit him on the ass! Hopefully this will have given him a wake-up call to stop acting like some Romeo and be more respectful to his partner and you! Please don't feel ashamed, just let it go, and focus on the things in your life that really matter. Can I just add that an affair might have given you a huge buzz of the desire and excitement you crave, but it would end in massive amounts of hurt and heartache. I hope you're okay OP.

Well I suppose that is what fantasies are for! Someone on mumsnet even fantasised about doing it with Donald Trump. the strumpet!

It is ok to fantasise whilst having sex with your husband as long as you don't use the other guy's name. If you would prefer not to think of him then imagine a film star or singer you fancy!

Was it actual flirting on his side? Sometimes when we have a crush on someone we can interpret every look and chat as something more meaningful. I’m not saying that’s the case here but did he give you concrete evidence that he was coming on to you? I mean how did it manifest itself when you said he ramped it up?

You’ve now experienced a crush, but in all honestly as lovely as they can be, crush’s can also screw with your head and heart. The likelihood of this crush having any relationship longevity would be about zero. You have a lovely stable home and family, focus on that as crushes, infatuations, etc are not worth it in the long run.

At least you can now say to yourself that in your life time you know what it’s like to feel infatuated with someone, it’s a bit of a rite of passage really even if a bit late and not good timing.

yes good question. but definitely flirting. however you are right to give me the idea fo reframe the experience as ticking off
infatuation and i hope
i never have to do it again !

will try that !

you are right. i would be even more miserable if i had gone into any type of
dodgy relationship. lucky escape. i'm ok thanks for your kindness

thank you everyone for giving me lots to think about. not being able to talk about it has been a big part of it all feeling so major and being able to get it off my chest like this has been an amazing thing in itself.
i have had a lovely day with actual quality time talking about lots of normal nice things with my husband and planning a little
break. I am so lucky to have him and the combination of many of you telling me not to beat myself up and that - of course - this issue is about things that I have to sort out in my own head with some help has been incredibly helpful and supportive. I can't thank you all enough for the support and compassion and perspectives and making the effort to help me in my slightly mad state when I have been feeling so low. hope all of you look after yourselves too.

Peri is so shit - I am swimming through it too and feeling very vampish!

Your honesty is why people have responded in kind - I do feel for you, it’s hard to overcome conditioning of any type - but you are already ahead of the game by sounding all of this out and recognising that things can’t continue as they have been in terms of the flirting and your relationship with your husband.

Hope you didn’t think I was harsh (maybe a bit blunt on some points - but I am the same with my friends when they are going down silly sausage territory!)

Thank you for the update, sounds so positive and I am sure that everyone on this thread is rooting for you. Well done, it’s brave to be so candid and face up to things that are tough. Keep going!