feel ashamed for inappropriate reaction to man

[1423beautiful]

Too ashamed to talk to any of my friends about this especially as they know my husband.
I feel a complete idiot. married to a lovely man for 15 years. 2 lovely primary school sons . he’s amazing and supportive and an amazing dad. I’m so lucky and i know it. I’ve never felt real desire for him or anyone or been on the receiving end of real desire. he’s the only sexual partner i have had. sex is ok but i never get turned on.

i have spent life being quite unattractive to most men i think as don’t know how to flirt, quite serious and mouthy which a lot of them don’t like , working in building industry and as a successful woman not attractive and not good looking enough to be worth investigating. Never asked out on dates - was set up with my husband by a friend.

As a result of being so inexperienced I really think i have the emotional age of a teenager. I have hit perimenopause in mid 40’s ( on HRT) and like
an idiot have overreacted to a very attractive attached ( i know!) man at work who started gazing meaningfully and flirting with me. This has been building over 7 years in an office together. I have ignored it quite admirably for all this time as i didn’t really believe it was happening as so unlikely. At one point i was literally ignoring him as i didn’t have the self confidence to allow myself to be lighthearted about it’s ridiculousness. Unfortunately something then changed on his side out of nowhere and he really started ramping things up and I have been quite overcome with the force of my attraction to him. Never felt anything like it.
There has been a bit of lowkey flirting and it has really got to me and had an effect. I’m now feeling incredibly shit, not for the good reason that I have given my head a wobble but he’s now stopped and backed off.

I haven’t done anything seriously wrong and i know this is for the best for my marriage etc and have gone back to avoiding him but I feel really, really upset - actually humiliated to be honest. Avoiding him like the plague, not going to work drinks and doing all the right things but pretty devastated - I think because he has done the running and then withdrawn once I have revealed that I do find him attractive and I feel so vulnerable as a result.

I know that having affairs is disgusting but I really wanted to have one moment in my life before I died when I experienced being desirable as a woman and could kiss and be kissed by someone I really find incredibly attractive. It’s as basic as that.

He has made me feel like a fool and so I feel like crying all day every day because I feel so much shame for being so unattractive that he has backed off/ decided against it/ gone off me -and feel stupid to believe this was a real thing - this added to the fact that I am getting older and this was my last chance to experience this. i know I am being an horrible person but i am suffering in the middle of this all. It feels like heartbreak which is so ridiculous. and i feel so empty.

it feels like a physical pain to walk away from where he is and to shut down the chance of him approaching me again but I keep doing it as at least it gives me some kind of control.
how is this going to get better ?

@DamselinDistress24 yes you are right. i don’t know why he backed off. and it could be that we both are actually pretty decent people who don’t want to do anything that is dishonourable. i think it is just hard as it feels like a rejection. it hard when there is no actual coming to a head of it all or a conversation that can clear the air. so its just a space i fill with my own shame which is really unhealthy. thanks for your comment

Surely he backed off because he has a partner and he got the impression that despite being married, you wanted more than the workplace flirting?

I'd say he's done you both a massive favour.

@VitaminSubtle yes i’ve seen that happen with men - i am pretty emotionally tuned in and his attention has been so protracted over so many years that it didn’t feel that’s what he was character wise. but i might be wrong. thank you.

@TwattyMcFuckFace yes i agree - he has done me a massive favour. i am upset that i opened the door to it and upset that i now feel so appalling and my self worth is so knocked and i have to be in his presence feeling shameful and rejected and unattractive.

and he would have been right - it would
have potentially been a real shit show. correct. and the appalling thing is that i feel emotionally that it is a shit show anyway despite the fact that actually nothing has happened.

Maybe this other man also enjoyed the flirting but got scared when he thought you might reciprocate? Maybe he was only interested in the chase? Anyway, stick him in the past, tell yourself you were never going to have an affair, you were only enjoying flirting as well. Don't feel foolish, any more than he does. Work on your marriage and relationship with your DH. Everybody deserves to be happy, however.

thanks @Seaoftroubles you are right. i think i am trying to get to a place i can get over this initial
emotional turmoil in order to talk to my husband about things getting better between us. and they aren’t bad. that’s the weird thing. it’s that i am changing in some ways. i’m a bit scared of couples counselling but perhaps i need some for myself.

thanks so much. i really appreciate it.

hi @Delphiniumandlupins yes and i suppose it is part of my naivety that i don’t know how to and don’t want to m flirt for fun - i find very very few men attractive so for me my version of flirting is is that i am really quite overcome. and i want something to happen badly. it’s not pleasurable for me as a fun thing in itself. and i am happy to be that way but when i do feel something for someone it is such a rare experience it consumes me. i have tried to get rid of the sexual tension by channeling it to my husband but perhaps i haven’t tried enough. thanks for your post

OP I really feel for you, I totally get where you are coming from. Strict upbringing, never felt attractive, I bet it never entered your head to think about your sexuality and your sexual fulfilment when you got married.

A sexual awakening was bound to come along at some point. I am just surprised it has taken this long. The thing is once that genie is out of the bottle it is not going back in.

If you were in your twenties or thirties I would say don't compromise. However, given the stage of life you are at only you can decide what is more important a DH with whom you have a shared life, children, a home and security. Or, are you prepared to give up or risk all of that for the chance of sexual fulfilment. I think this is what your choices boil down to.

There are no easy answers but please don't beat yourself up or feel bad about what has happened. You have done nothing wrong and I think your colleague knew exactly what he was doing. There are a lot of men who enjoy teasing and flirting and then as soon as they think someone has taken the bait they back off because it is all just a game to them.

Maybe this is a catalyst for you to think about yourself and what you want out of life. I wish you well OP and please don't think you are the only woman to ever feel this way because you are not.

@DBD1975 it's so nice of you to write. i posted about this all out of desperation to be honest - i never thought i would
get your and other posters perspectives and understanding
and compassion.
i reqlly appreciate it and it has helped me feel less alone with this.

This is no ok sex, this is bad sex.
It sounds like quite a few different things are all mixed up for you at the moment. The lack of sexual attraction in your marriage, your attraction to or feelings for someone else, the damage done by a very conservative upbringing, a lack of self esteem. It would probably help a bit if you could unravel things and see what is causing what and what you really want. I'm not remotely saying leave your husband for this other guy, but think about how happy the marriage actually makes you, if you are going to put up with shit sex for another 40 years, what might help sexually or otherwise so that you don't find yourself looking for that passion elsewhere.

HRT played havoc with my emotions too!
it sounds to me like you might need to get to know yourself as a woman sexually. As has been said, you may need some help to do this as religious upbringings can really get in the way of that! It might mean starting small, I don’t know with some erotic fiction? Just to allow yourself a little bit more freedom sexually; to explore what turns you on and what you like. I find that knowing myself in this way helps me feel more confident in my couple. Then it could be that some sex therapy would be helpful for you and your husband? It sounds like something about this other man has tapped into dormant desires for you - maybe it’s his unavailability which has let something loose in you!! I’ve been there (overcome with attraction for a colleague and feeling like a teenager!) - luckily I was able to channel this attraction towards my partner rather than pursue it. I hope with some support you can do the same.

You say you are also feeling shit.
Imagine how your family will feel if you acted on your flirty feelings. The whole family would be feeling worse than shit.

You would be extremely selfish to not go with your husband to see a sex therapist. Try all avenues to capture the desire and sexual chemistry in your marriage. Plan more dates, take a weekend away sometimes and present yourself as a fun sexual, flirty wife often.

Shut down the workmate. You are not available as a partner.

If you ultimately wish to end your marriage, have some decency and self respect and breakup as kindly as you can. Spend a good year as a single woman before launching into another relationship.

That's your insecurity talking.

Look, none of us really know why he suddenly stopped flirting. But I'd say it's very, very unlikely that one minute he thought you were an attractive woman and the next he didn't. So put that one to bed, and stop beating yourself up.

@PinkArt i think you are right. i need to try and unpick this all. i do think i am very vulnerable to this happening again and with a man who wanted it to go further it could be a disaster. this version of myself is something i have never expected and i have to get a grip somehow. thank you.

Please believe me when I say you are not alone. I went through a similar situation myself. Married young, first boyfriend, loved him as a friend, sex was something I put up with but did not enjoy. I ended up having an affair (not proud of myself) but it was very short lived. However, it made me realise my feelings for my husband were not enough and I ended up leaving him.

It was tough but it was the right decision for us both.

I was brought up with the ideology that sex was for men and not something women enjoyed. I now know that is not the case.

I think it would be an excellent idea for you to have counselling to help you work out what you want and whether or not it is your marriage.

Please don't beat yourself up or feel bad OP. You are a good person and I have no doubt you are a good wife and a good mum. You have had a flirtation with a work colleague and you wanted more and that's OK and understandable. You are a human being not a robot. The flirtation is not the answer to your issues but please use this experience to spend some time thinking about yourself and what you want because you matter.

Bloody hell woman, would you stop putting yourself down.
You've put everyone else up on a pedestal except you!
Take a damn long look in the mirror and start talking nice to yourself (seriously)
Stop bashing yourself and start by loving you.
I'm in awe of you. You've excelled in a male dominated industry and you've said yourself; you're successful at what you do. That's incredible! There's nothing wrong with being strong and straight talking. Who gives a flying f&#k about some silly geezer who had a flirt and tease with you. Not you, that's for sure!
Focus on you, and accentuate the parts of you that you do love about yourself.
When you turn that good loving on yourself, you'll really see and feel the difference. And so will others.

@user1492757084 yes of course you are bang on about everything. and yes i have shut it down.

i'm avoiding him like the plague. i am going about my day feeling dreadful and doing the right thing. working manically to keep myself busy, pretending i'm not feeling dreadful. not eating as i don't have any appetite - it's a withdrawal from the high of the attention.

the annoying thing is - as had happened in the past - i can't be bothered / haven't the energy to friendzone him which i am very good at doing with the occasional guy at work who i don't find attractive that starts to get flirty or i feel is attracted significantly. so basically in the past when i was keeping him at arms length when we accidentally ended up alone together (despite my best efforts) if he can't be bothered to make conversation i just sit there in silence. and we have to sit in the middle of all the unspoken sexual tension.

when i am on a site visit with him and large groups of colleagues i will talk and look at everyone except him because i haven't -and now definitely won't -have the energy to make like everything is fine and we have a normal collegial relationship.

so unless he makes the effort, my absence of effort in itself will say something. but it wasn't fun flirting what he did. it was meaningful. he knows it and i know it. and to knock it on the head with no conversation or the tiniest bit of closure to me doesn't deserve me having to be the bigger person in rebuilding a friendly relationship. he doesn't owe me anything, least of all an explanation about this whole non- event of a weird connection. but neither do i owe him anything too. i'm exhausted from it all.

@DBD1975 thank you so much for sharing. i think we have had very similar experiences. i am very sorry what you have gone through as no doubt it has been very tough. i would not judge you in any way for an affair - even before experiencing this situation. i am a bit of a mess due to my upbringing which was not abusive in any way -but the older i get it is more and more apparent that its affect on my ability to be whatever my true self is has been significant. and perhaps these things are more insidious and hard to understand when they aren't linked to any abuse but embedded in mindset and character. and the last thing i want is my husband to suffer for it as he is a wonderful person. i have been and am a stranger to myself i think. and that is something i have to confront and figure out.

@Findingmypurposeinlife you have made me smile as i have a friend that i can't talk to about this who would have said the same thing. and you are right. i don't like myself very much at all and i need to work on that.

i am very successful to be honest but i can't internalise any of that - and i think most people - even him- would be flabbergasted if they knew how insecure and vulnerable i am inside. I feel like i act my way through life as a result.
i think actually that is what has really affected me with him - that a man at work has reacted to me as if i am a sexually attractive woman and seen my true self when no one else does - and that he hasn't found it a turnoff to work with me - actually technically work for me. he has had my back quietly without asking for attention in some very stressful situations and made me feel he was my unacknowledged kind of protector. i have never thanked him for that as it felt too intimate. but it made an impact and has contributed to me feeling i could be my true female self with him which i can't be at work with anyone else - which is a strain and makes me feel like i am acting all the time . so thank you - you have made me think about all this which i hadn't realised before.

Well I just want to tell you that you come across as a wonderfully strong, empowered woman and if I can be just a little bit of that, I will be so so happy! It's also a very attractive trait.
We don't always see ourselves as others see us, but we must really learn to be gentle, kind and loving when we talk about (and to) ourselves too.
You've demonstrated how to be successful in the workplace, now it's time to be the leading lady in your own life too.
You've got this ❤️

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice thank you. i will try and knock the "i'm hideous " feelings on the head. your logic is right.

i'm just going to have to get to a situation where i can work with him and act normally enough. i spend my working life charming everyone into positivity so I know when i am merely professional with him he will feel the difference. if i was a different person i would be able to hide that I have been hurt? fed up? with his behaviour. but who cares really. he didn't have to push this. i didn't ask for it. he's a grown up.

@Findingmypurposeinlife your lovely post is so kind. and you sound empowered yourself already! but you are right. people often tell me i am kind but i know i am not to kind to myself. i do try and catch myself being negative and say "would i say that to a friend" and i am trying to let go of perfectionism as i know i overinvest in that in an effort to avoid shame - i think Brene Brown talks about that and i think that's a major thing with me. thank you to you and other posters for helping me understand this is about me more than him. i need to get my head around this all.

@Brinkley22 it is very kind of you to tell me you have been through this too ! and you are right i do need to find out how to get in touch with my desire more. to be honest through i am a bit worried that i might unleash something that i wont be able to satisfy. it is all a bit crazy to feel like this but actually your mention of feeling like a teenager has made me realise that i never felt these feeling as a teenager at all. my life was so controlled by religon that i never felt or allowed myself to feel sexual. shame was very tied up in the very thought of sex. and this has been how my life has continued subconsciously . so i might be having teenagerhood now and i think the sexual awakening is accompanied by potential recklessness as a result and i need to get a grip on it.