Did your ex treat the OW the same in the end?

[karmafinallyornot]

If so how did/do you feel about it? Do you think it's karma or do you feel sorry for her in some way?
I've found out today that my exH treated the OW just like he'd treated me and I thought I'd think ha! Serves you right! but I don't.

Very magnanimous of you. I suspect most wives that have been cheated on wouldn't feel the same.

If I was in that position I'd definitely be seeing it as karma

I unfollowed and blocked them on social media (not my baby's father, it's an ex before) and so I have no idea. Ignorance is bliss. Wish I could do the same to baby's father but have to know about his life! He has a new woman (don't know if she was ow but apparently he met her soon after baby was born) and I'm sure she's still in honeymoon phase now but I can't imagine she will be treated well for long. We'll see how long it lasts or if she's more willing to put up with his moods etc than I was

I think it's unlikely in my case as he truly met his match and she is extremely controlling. I don't know what things are like now, but she used to track him and he had to record any conversations between us. I was the opposite of this so he had plenty of free time to shag other women and there were many of those it has come to light. She's a lot older and I have been told she speaks down to him and what she says goes. That must have come as a shock to him! So I doubt he's actually got any freedom to shag around but you never know! I am just relieved that it's not me dealing with his fuckwittery.

I’ve made a conscious decision to cut myself off completely from any information about my ex. This included social media, contact with his friends etc. I did it for my own sanity, I struggled to move on after the break up while he jumped into a new relationship straight away.
He is no longer a part of my life story. He chose to be in the past so I keep him there. And It helps me to wish him and his partner well, I don’t want her to go through what I’ve been through with him.

Yes, he did.
And no, I don't.

He's on wife #3 and has cheated on her, too.

Typo edit.

My first ex married the OW in the end. It hurt like hell at the time but now a distant memory. The fact you don't want her to feel like you did is a good sign you have a heart and that you're moving on. I really wouldn't spend any time dwelling on it x

My long ago serious ex (never married but together 6 years) cheated on me with his ex-gf (who he broke up with the first time because he cheated on her with the girlfriend who came after her). They got married within 6 months of getting back together. He then proceeded to cheat on her for at least several years. Possibly longer, no idea because I moved away and no longer have any friends there.

It’s been 25 years probably now. And they are still together and have had a lot of fertility struggles (not able to have children at all by the looks of it). I do feel sorry for her. She has spent her life with a cheating loser and wasted the chance to have a much wanted child with someone else. Just grateful to not be her though really!

They might if they have the emotional intelligence to understand complex situations.

Yes! When we split up he seemd to go through a period of remorse and self reflection that really seemed very genuine. I really believed him and thought he was capable of change as I could see the fun, positive person Id been attracted to initially - but fact is I;d gotten the ick and was completely turned off by him physically by that stage so it was dead in the water, even if he could have changed the behaviour that doomed our relationship. Long story short - that brief moment of remorse didnt last, ten years later hes still the same selfish domineering person and when I look at his marriage and his current wife, I see a sliding doors type scenario of how my life may have played out had I stayed. Hes loud, bullying, domineering, misogynist and patriarchal and shes the silly little woman who must build his ego and make him feel hes the cleverest man in th eworld. I do feel sorry for her in a way because hes also charismatic and charming. I well remember bein stuck in that dynamic and knowing I wasnt happy but also making so many excuses and giving so many chances.
Sorry, ive just clocked that this is specifically an OW situation, not a breakup situation....however Ive typed it all out now so will leave it for anyone who's interested or experienced the same :)

No. They are still married 17 years later.

Not my situation, but looking around me at people who married their affair partners, no, there's no pattern. In general, they were very different types of people to the original spouse, and the relationships have played out quite differently.

Emotional intelligence doesn’t stop you feeling hurt and anger. Why would it?

Yes, he did/does and almost immediately too by all accounts. He's been with his 2nd wife over 20 yrs now and her life is utterly miserable. Exh is mainly emotionally and mentally abusive but also very controlling. We were early 30's when I divorced him for unreasonable behaviour and when he got his claws into her she was only 20. She was very innocent and swallowed everything he said as gospel which included perjuring herself in family court to back up his version of his own abusive behaviour - as bizarre as that sounds. All the resistance has been bashed out of her so it just seems to be a case of endurance and she just suffers in silence. The DC that ex & I share thinks that she'll never leave him as she's just too entrenched, sees no value in herself and has ignored DC's advice to leave him even after offering his and my help to leave. He complains to DC that his domestic appliance is defective.

She now drinks to excess which has just given him another stick with which to beat her with - it's just so sad.

Not so far (10+ years on) although I heard through the grapevine he treated her badly in the first few years of their relationship (well, middle few years I suppose if you count the affair time as part of their relationship!). I think age and covid sort of changed him. But who knows.

I think I'd feel the same as you, OP, if he did. And worried that he'd get all unstable again, at least when he's in a stable relationship, he's not bringing any issues to me or DS!

I'm certainly not magnanimous. This woman helped create over a decade of hell for my dc and me. She became his handmaiden and supported him through multiple court appearances, police and social services involvement, helped alienate my children to the point one moved out and never came back and our relationship is still fragile due to all the lies hey fed her about me. She enabled his continued abuse of me and is now best buddies with his latest handmaiden who is also being treated badly and calls OW in tears when exH is nasty to her. Despite all that there's a part of me that remembers the hurt of that time and thinks it's shit he did that to her too. I don't feel sorry for her as such. The emotions are hard to pinpoint. I was very happy when they split up because it proved my point but I was worried for the impact that had on my dc. I thought my feelings would be straight forward but they aren't.

We need to catch up properly! But I love that he got a big fat fist full of Karma in the face.....also, we need to discuss chewing doors as my wisdom tooth is giving my gyp

Not married but one LTP treated the OW way worse than me, I left him when I wanted to, I wasn't going to be dictated by her time frame and he wasn't prepared to leave me. He was absolutely furious when I left him, over a decade together and it was only the second row we had. They are still together, they row all the time and he cheats on her something terrible. Due to ED that he has when with her, they stopped being intimate years ago. OW complained bitterly about it to anyone who would listen. She turns a blind eye to his cheating (she knew about me from the beginning of their relationship) she says he wouldn't do it to her, she bullies the hell out of him so that's his excuse to leave the house for a few hours or overnight.

The other LTP I left due to other reasons also treated his later partners worse than me too.

The next partners were welcome to both of them. I don't have empathy for them, they either like it or they leave, it's their journey not mine.

However I know several men, a couple of whom were shorter term partners of mine, who have changed and been much better partners after treating their wives or LTPs really badly. For two it was almost as though they needed that kick up the arse.

Yes. He cheated on her with multiple women and gaslit her the whole time.

Those last months of our relationship I knew there was something wrong, but he twisted things so much and ended up making me feel crazy and guilty about stressing him out with my paranoia. We broke up and surprise surpise he "started" a relationship with the woman I suspected all along. I pretended I knew nothing. Acted civil. Stayed friendly with him. Made friends with her. She confided in me that she thinks he is talking or messing around with other women. That he makes her feel crazy. I told her I'm sure he is. He did the same to me...as she knows. She actually admited the truth then, that they had indeed been fucking around behind my back for months. I thought I would feel a sense of "Ha! Fuck you!" at her getting to experience what they both had put me through, but I just felt nothing tbh. Only relief that I finally had the truth and that I wasn't crazy. I suppose I would need to care to feel something for her.

They don’t change. If the stay with ow it’s either they haven’t been caught or she just accepts it. My ex is definitely a life long cheater. I doubt her ride is a smooth one

Yes he does but it’s been so long I can honestly say that I don’t care and it’s her problem now.

He told me that he never felt that way before meeting her blah blah blah but it’s impossible to keep up the pretence long term.

No, but he tried to. I know she put a lot of effort into 'managing' him and was much, much stronger than me. This was 20 years ago and they're still married, however I never see their news these days.

Thing is, she managed his behaviour but you can't change who a person is. I didn't like him at all by the end, though presumably she does. I consider it unlikely that he stopped being a sly, belligerent misogynist; probably just hides it better! Hope she's happy, anyway, she seemed like a pretty sound person.

He cheated on me with her, but also cheated on her with me while were divorcing. I imagine he'd already told her we were separated when they met.

BIL did, yes. SIL was the OW, although demanded BIL leave his wife before she'd be with him (or so she says). He walked out on DC aged 8 months & 2 years because he 'didn't love his DW anymore'.

SIL was younger, stunning, child free & ambitious career wise. Also their friend.

Of course, SIL demanded marriage & DC (which he told me he didn't want). He walked out when their DC was 2. Didn't love her anymore.... She dragged him back. She's very manipulative. Capitulated to a few things & has since sneakily gotten her way anyway. They seem happy, but he told her in no uncertain terms she wasn't retiring in his pension & has to keep working for hers!

I actually feel sorry for the OW. I divorced him whilst I was young and built a new life with a fantastic man and we have 2 children, now young adults. Meanwhile he has shagged around and became an alcoholic and passed away recently. He basically drunk/gambled a lot of money as well, so I know she is in a difficult situation.

He got so much worse
Ended up with a 3 year driving ban and losing his career for going into work drunk
He shakes like a shitting dog now and is unemployed
She still married him