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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you read your DH's post, emails, phone messages?

121 replies

Moosma · 26/04/2008 10:50

I do and always have done and he reads mine too, we think nothing of it and would both become suspcious if the other person requested the other not too (does that make any sense?).

So, do you? And if not, why?

OP posts:
johnso · 26/04/2008 12:32

PP-Do you think there is more he is not telling you then?
You are not crazy-it would be crazy not to confront him, and why the need for evidence?
Lying to you is very disrespectful

beaniesteve · 26/04/2008 12:32

"My problem is that DH thinks he is entitled to open my mail, read my email, read my texts etc and I think it is a violation of privacy and wouldn't dream of doing the same."

that sounds rather controlling. Does he read any stuff you'd rather he didn't?
I would be seriously pissed off if my BF did that to me! He won't even fetch things from my bag as he thinks it's rude to go through a woman's bag

Minum · 26/04/2008 12:33

We read each others email - he often calls me from work and asks me to check his emails for him as hes waiting for something. We're running a family together, reading and responding to emails is part of the work of running the house, like putting on the washing machine, or popping to Waitrose.

I dont have any personal, in the true sense of the word, emails or texts, just ones relating to the family, or the various projects I'm involved in.

And opening his post, and processing it is one of my roles, as I do most of the paperwork now I'm at SAHM.

skidoodle · 26/04/2008 12:35

beaniesteve - my DH feels uncomfortable using my laptop because I always have loads of tabs of various sites open and he doesn't want to accidentally see my private stuff.

I can't be arsed closing it all down, but I trust him not to be nosing about in my stuff.

wildhorses · 26/04/2008 12:36

LOL

I don`t mother him

just when there are things that can affect my life and he forgets to tell me it pisses me off so now I do look at e-mails or post .

E.g We got a invite to a family wedding and they e-mailed him .When they phoned a few days later and spoke to me by chance I knew about it cos as usual he had forgot to tell me.My dh is such dippy git you can despair

PosieParker · 26/04/2008 12:37

Johnso, there's a few things that just don't add up, girls saying they've slept with him (years ago before kids) and I have had many an amnesty night where we could say anything and it would be left that moment on. I admitted to a couple of dates (when he had dumped me and we were on a break) and he admitted to nothing. I found coke on his platinum card and he says he lent it to someone, I mention platinum because you lend your blockbuster card don't you? He stayed out all night and came home with a wobbly jaw and so had to admit he took something and came up with one line of coke.... the lost goes on. It's not every week or even every month but it is not never or once in a blue moon, if you see what I mean. Phones me pissed comes home an hour later sober.

mumof2teenboys · 26/04/2008 12:49

My oh works away and there is a huge pile of mail addressed to him sitting next to me as I type. But its his so it will stay unopened until he returns.

I did open a parcel addressed to him yesterday, but I was on skype to him at the time and he told me to do it.

I have enough to do answering my own texts/e-mails etc without worrying about his!

I trust him and can't be bothered to snoop.

beaniesteve · 26/04/2008 12:55

Let's face it, any sensible man (or woman) who is trying to cover something up wouldn't be letting people send mail or emails to an address where he/she knows there's a likelyhood someone who they don't want to find out, is likely to snoop!

eidsvold · 26/04/2008 12:55

not unless he shows me or he asks me to check it when we talk during the day and vice versa. Don't see the need.

wildhorses · 26/04/2008 13:01

beaniesteve I agree

PosieParker · 26/04/2008 13:03

My dp brought a laptop home and so it would seem he never thought I'd find anything.

NiftyNanny · 26/04/2008 13:17

I've read DP's texts out of curiosity, yes they tend towards bland or abusive (his friends and brother usually sign off with something like, "f**k you too, monkeyballs")

Or it's going on about how much they all fancy Fernando Torres

to be honest it is really puerile nonsense :D they're a bunch of teenagers, I trust DP 100% but have been known to snoop

he's read stuff on my laptop, but we don't open post or know each other's pin numbers or anything.

We're fairly open, it's not a lack of trust more an intimacy thing, I know more about how silly they all are having read all that rubbish!

serenity · 26/04/2008 13:20

We have a joint email account (laziness rather than anything else) and I tend to avoid anything that looks like it's specifically for DH, but there have been times when he's assumed I've known about things because he's thought I've read it, so I'll read open emails if it looks like it'll concern me (if he didn't want me to see it, he'll have it go to his work email or delete it) Same goes for me, if I don't want him to read something then I can move it to a private folder (no passwords) but I can't think of anything I've done that with recently. Neither of us would be stupid enough to conduct secret liasons via the usual email account, we'd set up secret ones

Don't open his post unless it looks important, and then I'll ring him and ask first, or if it's from the Council as they're bastards who address everything to him even if I'm the one who's contacted them

Anything on his phone is his otherwise it would have been sent to me.............

Gobbledigook · 26/04/2008 13:26

I don't read his texts or emails he doesn't read mine (except if I'm away and I ring to get him to check my emails). It's not a big issue though - we just don't do it.

I open his post though.

Quattrocento · 26/04/2008 13:27

It is controlling and I don't like it at all. Does he read stuff I'd rather he didn't? Well yes of course he does. If he opens say my Amex bill (an accident of course even though I have one and he doesn't) he can see how much I am spending on things and feels entitled to pass comment. Which is bloody out of order as far as I am concerned. As for texts I have a lot of friends who all text in preference to phoning and he really took exception to a text from a friend which started "darling girl". The fact that the friend is gay and the rest of the text was about a divine bloke he'd just met seemed to be irrelevant.

Oh am ranting but it is just so annoying.

DivaSkyChick · 26/04/2008 16:04

I haven't read the whole thread but here's what we do. I know some will be disgusted with this.

We open eachother's bills and mail, if we feel like it. If it looks like a personal letter we'll call and say, "oh, you got a letter from so and so" and the other will say, "cool! read it to me!"

We have all eachother's passwords and often look to see who got mail from whom, as we share the same friends but I tend to email the girls more and he the guys more. We read them if we're interested.

Our friends know that we share everything and the often tell us that they hope to have a relationship as strong as ours. We fight rarely and mostly just when we're exhausted as we have a baby.

If anyone wants to speak to us privately, they use the phone. And almost always, they will say, I know you're going to tell DH but other than that, it's a secret. Once in a great while i am asked not to share with him and I respect that I hate it. DH is my best friend in world and we share everything.

You may puke now.

Original poster
Moosma · 26/04/2008 16:32

Diva, you've just described DH and me

OP posts:
DoubleBluff · 26/04/2008 16:32

DSK we are pretty muchthe same.
Hurlllll!

nooka · 26/04/2008 16:56

I think it's OK if you have a joint life and your friends know that that's how you are. And opening post when you have permission is way different than just doing it anyway. But I do find it slightly uncomfortable e-mailing my parents or my sister and her husband as they have joint e-mails, as this means I don't send the same sort of emails (ie I wouldn't mention the other person) in the same way as when I am visiting and they are both there is different to a one to one sot of conversation. So it's a two way thing. It's not just the privacy of your partner that you are potentially infringing.

On the other hand I did catch my dh cheating through snooping on his e-mail and eavesdropping on his phone calls. So now I am uncomfortable if I think he is deliberately hiding anything from me. Ionically he was very upset at the snooping and it's taken him a few years to be OK with leaving his laptop around unlocked. But as he is a top geek I have to accept that if he really wanted to hide things fom me it's not terribly hard. It's all a matter of trust though isn't it, and without trust there is no real relationship.

CoffeeCrazedMama · 27/04/2008 11:53

Diva, dh and myself operate exactly the same. In fact, dh leaves a lot of this sort of thing to me and often gets me to check his emails and reply for him because he is too darn busy to do it himself! I handle all money etc - in fact he was really annoyed when he had to go to the bank himself to top up his ISA as everything else he would ask me to do.

I would be happy for him to see all my posts here, check my phone for messages for me, fetch me something from my handbag, etc.

I love the feeling of trust - each others lives are an open book. We couldn't operate separately -we have four kids, very little extended family, he has a frantically busy job and I am SAHM. I know (especially since being on MN) how precious and rare this is - not smug, just know I'm very lucky.

Divastrop · 27/04/2008 12:03

dh usually tells me to read his post as he cant be bothered,and if somebody rings one of us then we always say 'who was that?'.i dont read his emails although hes told me i can if i want,but i wouldnt anyway.

dh sometimes reads my text messages,it doesnt bother me.it wouldnt bother me if he read my posts on here but he understands that i sometimes moan about him and would probably rather not.

i dont get all this right to privacy stuff within a marriage.unless it involves someone elses privacy;eg if a friend has emailed you about something personal.

hercules1 · 27/04/2008 12:04

I agree with MI. FOr one thing I couldnt imagine anything more boring than reading his mail etc. at the poster who said her partner wouldnt know what to do with his post!
We dont hide it either.
I would find it very odd if he wanted to read my post and emails etc. WHy on earth would he want to and I would find it incredibly stifling if he did and controlling. It would cause damage to the relationship.

Janni · 27/04/2008 12:06

In answer to the OP: no and I wouldn't want him reading mine.

littlelapin · 27/04/2008 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaninoPan · 27/04/2008 12:33

reading your amori's things (of whatever status) to 'discover' something, is utterly pointless and self-destructive. If you feel driven to do this, the bedrock of trust has gone. IT automatically limit's your capacity to have trust

When the bible indicates God saying to Christ "Never put the Lord thy God to the test", the message is to not 'test' each other as people. You must have faith, or nothing at all.

if you do go looking, and don't "find" anything, it is usually a momentary reprieve. Until the next time.

and this habit gets perpetrated to infect other relationship you have with anyone.

there endeth the first lesson.