Could you forgive a friend who ghosted you?

[Combover41]

My best friend of many years did not speak to me for 2 months, prior to this we spoke daily, multiple times a day. The reason she did not speak to me was because I cancelled a trip to visit her because my young son was sick (v&d, I’m a single mum, didn’t want older grandparents looking after him when sick). After I cancelled trip I just never heard from her again. I rang, text, reached our multiple times asking if we could sort this out, apologised for cancelling (I was also annoyed to miss the trip), I’ve never cancelled before.

i reached out again last week and finally heard back from her. The gist of the message from her was that she could never forget what I done and that I triggered her into having an awful time (she’s pregnant) and she will always remember how I treated her when pregnant. She then just went straight into updating me on her life and asking me how I’ve been.

i am finding it hard to launch straight back into a normal friendship especially when she clearly feels like she did nothing wrong but has now decided to ‘forgive’ me. I feel like if I say any of this to her she will stop talking to me again but I also don’t feel like I can just chat as normal.

wwyd?

Personally I would meet face to face, at down and explain how her behaviour made you feel, and ask why she felt so strongly and listen to her side too. Then see where you go from there. People make bad choices sometimes, and can be difficult to move back from. Best way to do that is talk openly and honestly and not resort to childish reactions and counter actions.

??

I had a supposedly close friend do this to me. Ignored me for 2 months following an offence she took to something really minor. I even reached out during that period asking to talk and explaining some horrible stuff that was happening and apologising for my offence. Still ignored me. By the time she decided I was punished enough I had gone off her and we never really spoke again.

Yep.

sorry I thought you thought I was unreasonable lol

If you feel this way why did you message her to try get back in contact?

‘Ghosting’ is fast becoming another one of those annoyingly misused terms like ‘narc’ or ‘toxic’. The OP’s friend went quiet on her for two months after she cancelled a visit, through no fault of her own — the OP knew what the silence was about. Now they’re communicating again, the friend saying she’ll never forgive the OP for cancelling the visit, the OP saying she can’t forgive her friend for the two months of silence. It all sounds fairly intractable and juvenile.

I’d agree with@GarrynotsoGorilla — if you feel the friendship is worth salvaging, OP, have a direct face-to-face conversation. If not, I suppose you continue the silence.

She sounds like a prize fool, and one day when her DC has V&D and she has to cancel meet ups she might realise how much of an idiot she was to you. If she’s such a drama queen now then imagine what she’s going to be like once her baby is here. I think I’d cool the friendship unless an apology is forthcoming and I’d tell her why.

You’re going to have to challenge her narrative that you did something awful to her. She doesn’t sound very nice. Is this really the first time she’s acted like this?

I wanted to get the friendship back on track. But it’s her response of now feeling like she can forgive me without any acknowledgement of her own behaviour that I’m struggling with

How exactly does someone cancelling a visit because their child is unwell ‘trigger’ someone to have an ‘awful time’? I genuinely don’t understand what she means. On the face of it, it sounds manipulative.

She’s completely unreasonable. Make new friends and let her go.

The gist of the message from her was that she could never forget what I done and that I triggered her into having an awful time (she’s pregnant) and she will always remember how I treated her when pregnant.

You mean by not exposing her to a d&v bug? By putting your child's needs first? Yes, what a monster you are OP 🙄

I think I would tell her that as she was so upset that you had to prioritise your family, and as you would have to make the same choice again next time, it's better if the friendship ends.

I suspect this may have been one of the first times you've actually put your own needs ahead of hers? Now you know what happens when you do.

I would say “thanks for you message. I’m going to cool contact now. You have shown me when the chips are down and my young child needs me you believe you are more important. I shouldn’t ever have had to give you more informations than “I’m gutted to cancel but my son is sick and I need to be with him” And at this point I would have expected you to show me and him some sympathy and not make it about you. You are about to have a child and I would hope you would cancel plans with friends to care for a sick kid. Good luck with the pregnancy.”

YANBU, when she has her own child, and has to cancel outings of various sorts because her child is unwell, including cancelling going to work, she will see what a prize fool she has been. I would move on OP, you don´t need this kind of drama.

No one paid. It was a trip to visit her a few hours away

Well I messaged a few times the 2 weeks after the cancelled trip and then last week. I wasn’t messaging every week

Why did you reach out to her? She is a dick!