Can AP become friend??

[Whyohwhyohwhy84]

Can anyone tell me a success story from an affair partner becoming a friend when the physical part has stopped? Or is it more likely to have become an emotional affair?
In short, my h is trying to convince me that that’s what happened but surely he should have cut all contact when they stopped being physical??
Im not in a good place, please be kind. I’m trying to get my head around it all.

Not a chance! What is it supposed to do to your mental health to know he's still spending time with his affair partner? Even is it is as 'friends', it's cruel to do that to you. If he can't cut her loose completely, then there are still emotions attached

Why does he want to be “friends”?
has he messed your head up so much you’re even willing to think this is reasonable from your husband?
so sorry but he sounds dreadful

If the affair happened long long time ago (10-20years?), and they since have become non-physical - and by some miracle it all came out now - maybe.
But not if it’s all current, and if you are working on rebuilding your marriage after recent discovery. It’s not how people work - you cant just turn off feelings and attraction.

He’s now cut contact completely after it all came out, but he didn’t tell me they had sex a few times. I just knew they were friends and did a joint hobby. The sex stopped but they remained (too close) friends. Someone told me the whole story and he confessed when I asked him about it. He’s stopped his hobby now too

Cake and eat it comes to mind , he should be remorseful and reassuring you that everything has ended and understand why the affair happened.
He sounds very arrogant to suggest he has on going contact.

I think you’re asking the wrong question. Absolutely it’s possible, but your specific situation sounds very messed-up. Do you want to continue to be in this relationship?

Honestly, I mean this in the most empathetic and sincerest way possible, but I don't think so. It seems like you have been struggling mentally, whether that came from the affair, or how the dynamic of your relationship is or has always been, or it just could be due to life. Please see and give yourself some grace. Even if that is the case and they want to be friends. What effect will that have on you? What is the purpose of the friendship? When an affair has taken place, that brings up so much that I can't even begin to name. So by being friends, that is just essentially crossing another boundary, leaving her as an option, or seeing how much you can take and how much he gets away with. Did you two go to counseling to speak about the affair?

What you need to ask is, “how did my self worth get so low that I am accepting being treated this way?” Don’t you realise that you deserve better than this? A good barometer to use in these situations is to reverse roles and think about how that would go down. So, if you were the one who had an affair, you’re husband found out about it and you said you were still going to remain friends with the affair partner, would that be accepted by your husband? I highly doubt it and rightly so. No he can’t stay in contact with the af never mind friends. I think you really need to stop thinking about him and start thinking about yourself. What kind of relationship do you want? Do you want to be lied to, cheated on and played for a mug? Or do you want a relationship where you’re respected, loved, valued and treated as an equal?

He hasn't stopped the affair - just hope that downgrading it to "friendship" will
trick you into not making life too tricky for them to continue.

Now it’s all out, he’s cut contact completely. But I am so hurt he’s only cut contact now but not out of his own accord a few months ago.
It’s all fairly recent (last 10 months or so)

Basically he wants to hide his affair in public. Pretending to just be friends.

I wouldn't just trust him saying that he's not in contact. His word can't be trusted, clearly.

He’s only cut contact because he’s got caught otherwise he’d still be carrying on.

It is possible for the physical side to end, but it does turn into an emotional affair rather than a friendship.

I think that is what eventually will happen.

So your H has lied you and cheated on you and had an affair. And this was public knowledge if at least one other person knew about it and had the decency to tell you about it.
If this is very recent news to you it's likely you are still in shock and haven't processed the enormity of his betrayal.
Yes I would think that cutting all contact with his affair partner should be one of the conditions necessary if you are going to even attempt reconciliation with him.

.

Please reread TipsyJoker post that has nailed it for me .
You are better than that to even contemplate that …..

Thank you. I hear you all. I just never ever thought h would cheat as he knows I’ve been cheated on in past relationships and how much that hurt me. I thought he was so differant.
he is very remorseful and I do believe he has now cut all strings with ow. I just wish he’d never cheated and even then, I wish he’d cut all contact straight away instead of now after I’ve found out. If I hadn’t found out, he would have carried on. Although he says they were friends, but they seemed to have been in contact almost daily for months, even when we were on holiday. That’s emotional affair contact, not friendship? He’s not ever texting with other friends that much

So it was still an emotional affair even after the physical relationship ended?

And the EA would still be ongoing if he hadn’t been caught. And who’s to say it wouldn’t have turned physical again?

Honestly OP it’s completely your call but personally I couldn’t get past his ongoing betrayal

they seemed to have been in contact almost daily for months, even when we were on holiday. That’s emotional affair contact, not friendship?

Yes, it is. He wanted to keep talking to her at the expense of your time together even when on holiday.

thanks, you all confirm my thoughts that it doesn’t sound like it had turned into a friendship but more into continuing an EA. I think he just didn’t want to cut her out of his life, which makes me feel second choice
He’s really remorseful though now which makes it so hard

Yes, @Whyohwhyohwhy84, they were still heavily investing in their emotional affair … continuing to energize their mutual validation and gratification. He was still very much ‘in infidelity,’ making hundreds of choices to put OW first. By insisting (lying) that they were platonic, he continues to protect OW and disrespect you. I couldn’t get past any of this faithless behavior.

I’m sorry you even have to ask this. 😔 He’s selfish and cares only about himself. I think you deserve so much better.x

Sweetheart, stop doing anything for him, he deserves nothing.

He's abusing you.

Take your time to get back on your feet and decide when you feel stronger, promise him nothing.
You need to recover first.

What a bastard he is.

I've read that people who have affairs do miss and grieve their AP after it has finished. I know my ex h had an affair, it stopped and they continued phone calls etc for a year after that. I only found out after the year of communication by accident. They had been on and off three times.

Men often want to stay " friends" as well if they want to keep someone on the back burner.