Can AP become friend??

[Whyohwhyohwhy84]

Can anyone tell me a success story from an affair partner becoming a friend when the physical part has stopped? Or is it more likely to have become an emotional affair?
In short, my h is trying to convince me that that’s what happened but surely he should have cut all contact when they stopped being physical??
Im not in a good place, please be kind. I’m trying to get my head around it all.

He’s really remorseful though now which makes it so hard.

@Whyohwhyohwhy84, he’s not remorseful if he is claiming their continuous interactions after the sex ended was just a platonic friendship. ‘In contact almost daily for months, even when we were on holiday’ is an emotional romance. They still clearly had frisson and couldn’t stay away from one another. He is not being honest with you about that. You don’t have the full truth, which is a red flag for false reconciliation.

Another destructive element is that he was making a fool of you in public. Thank heavens one of the hobby friends decided to do the right thing and informed you.

He’s only remorseful about being found out.

No, this was an emotional affair, he needs to own that.

Lying to you after discovery is not remorseful behaviour. I can suggest ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ which is a great book to read when you’re trying to figure out of the remorse is truly there and actions that can rebuild trust.

I can also recommend the surviving infidelity website to help with ongoing support and resources post affair discovery.

Im so sorry this happened to you, it truly is reality shattering.

Of course sex can end and a friendship remain. People often remain friends with ex partners and people generally regard that as a positive thing on here and not a warning that sex will resume at some point.

However, that is an entirely separate question to should you remain with someone who has treated you like this.

This isn't really about his feelings towards this woman nor whether he could be friends with her without having sex with her.

It's about his lack of respect for you, the fact you only found out because someome else told you. Regardless of his feeling towards and actions with her now, is this really the sort of man you want to be in a relationship with? Do you trust him? Does he make you feel emotionally safe?

So what if he is remorseful? People are remorseful in these situations because they realise what they are about to lose. They are remorseful because it has been discovered and, once an affair is out in the open like this, it stops being fun, exciting, romantic, sexy, and a delicious secret and becomes sordid and dirty and deceitful and a betrayal and they don't like to think of themselves in that way. The remorse is about how it makes them feel about themselves and the impact of it on their life. Not about the person they cheated on. If it were, they wouldn't have done it in the first place.

So, do I believe that an affair can end and two people.remain friends? Yes. Would continue a relationship with someone who had cheated on me? Absolutely not.

Just revisiting my post from a few weeks ago. Nothings changed much, we’re still carrying on and I’m trying to believe him when he says he’s cut contact completely. I think he has now but I can’t get over the idea that it took me finding out instead of him cutting contact because he wanted to choose me and our relationship.
He claims he was choosing us as they had stopped having sex and were just friends for the past 7 months or so…I guess that’s something?

He claims he was choosing us as they had stopped having sex and were just friends for the past 7 months or so…I guess that’s something?

It's a very small.something though, isn't it?

If he were really choosing you, he wouldn't have still been friends with her and you wouldn't be posting.

I guess I’m posting as I’m struggling to move on. I’d like nothing more than to believe him and forget this ever happened. I thought we were completely fine and never suspected a thing. And I just want to go back to that 😢. I’m trying to but my mind is just not able to let it go

I wouldn't be able to either.

I wouldn't even try.

I'll.be honest, I'm always torn between admiring women who do and crying, "Why can't you see that you deserve so much better than this?!"

He has ruined your marriage and you are grieving that.

Take your time you do not have to make decisions until you are stronger, and you will become stronger.

Many on here have been in the same no win situation and change does occur, sometimes organically when you get back on your feet.
Your mind must be exhausting you, you must rest and look after yourself first and foremost.

What age are you and do you have children ?

Thank you, yes I’m exhausted all of the time at the moment.
Ive got a 10 yr dc from a previous relationship, no dcs together. Been together for 6 yrs.

You will be exhausted, make a GP appointment, female doctor.

Do you know of his behaviour in previous relationships, a leopard rarely changes it spots

No he's a lying bugger isn't he _ he continued to put his feelings above yours.
You need space from him - tell him to move out whilst you consider your options.

What he's done is a monstrous betrayal.

There is a very big difference in having a friend, and having a friend who is so close that you've had sex many times, whilst being married.

Any contact between him and her is completely unacceptable.

At least your child is not his. I can't therefore see any reason to even bother trying to forgive him. This kind of thing takes years to get over/rebuild. The foundation you are working with is only 6 years and there are no joint children.

This is consuming you and it will consume you for some time yet. A lot of months to years. You have to figure out whether it's really 100% worth trying to get past this, knowing it will take a long time (and you may never know the full truth) or whether it's best to end this now.

The kind of man that behaves like this is arrogant and selfish. You'll need to be certain that this is worth your time and heartache.

He claims he was choosing us as they had stopped having sex and were just friends for the past 7 months or so…I guess that’s something?

Not really, @Whyohwhyohwhy84. Has he acknowledged the extension of their EA? You cannot even begin to move forward until he admits that truth. After the cessation of sex, what remained was their emotional intimacy and reliance, which they invested in daily until they were outed. These two APs couldn’t resist contact even during your holiday. Their mutual attraction was the thread that ran through the entire affair.

His disrespect was massive. He was happy to steal your agency and humiliate you in public and private. Your suffering the abuse of infidelity previously did not stop him from treating you in the same heinous manner. He didn’t care enough to protect his fidelity and stay loyal.

I thought we were completely fine and never suspected a thing. And I just want to go back to that 😢. I’m trying to but my mind is just not able to let it go.

Intimate betrayal, both physical and emotional, causes PTSD. It is abusive and devastating. Relationship counselors estimate that it can take 2-5 years to recover from infidelity, and that is when the betrayer accepts full responsibility, tells the whole truth, and examines the character flaws that led to the cheating. Your H has yet to come completely clean about his continued emotional cheating. For 7 months he was in over-frequent contact with his AP, still enmeshed and secretly building their connection. Still lapping up her attention. Gaslighting you that it was only an affair when they were shagging is a huge insult.

@Whyohwhyohwhy84, contorting yourself into a pretzel to ‘let it go’ is going to make you sick. You can’t force yourself to accept being duped and lied to by the man who promised to always cherish you. It would be the end for me.

I am still in contact with my AP. Partially because I have to, as we work together (I am main wage earner in a specialised role so it’s taking a while to move jobs). The affair finished over a year ago. I disclosed everything to DH and he chose to take me back after a period of separation.
I would say it is very hard to not stray into EA territory but actually not impossible. I made a decision to return to my marriage; the AP is now boundaried about that. Neither of us want to restart the affair, neither of us want to be more than friends/colleagues. Relationships change, including extramarital ones. Things are not always so black and white as hero/villain. My marriage now isn’t perfect but we both made the decision to stay.
The main thing I think is that I disclosed it and popped the bubble of secrecy myself. That’s made it easier to rebuild and for both of us to deal with the continuing contact.

Thinking about it more, the conundrum you are both now in is, in that period of ‘keeping secrets’, he lied to you about the sex, so how can you believe him about the friendship?

He might be telling the truth, but the bigger lie colours it all.

No. Just no. The fact he still wants to remain 'friends', suggests there are still emotions or 'unfinished business' attached to this person. I'm guessing she's aware that you know of the affair?! Or may be he hasn't told her that part!! I can't imagine any OW wanting to continue with the 'friendship' if they were aware the wife knew about the affair. Especially, if she was aware that the wife knew who she was! A possibility of a confrontation or the wife telling her husband/partner. A distinct possibility that your husband hasn't been entirely honest with the OW either!! Your husband should have walked away from this woman, on every level, if he seriously wants his marriage to heal and move forward. Absolutely don't tolerate him staying friends with her.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. It’s helping me so much as you’re putting into words what’s floating around in my head.
His conviction that he stopped the affair when the sex stopped has been bothering me so much, and I do need him to realise it was still ongoing, even though it wasn’t physical. It was their emotional involvement which he managed to completely keep from me. I feel like i don’t know him at all if he was able to have all this going on without me knowing anything. It’s like living a double life, and he would’ve continued if it hadn’t come out.
Thank you for helping me make sense of it all; i feel I’m going in circles sometimes x

You're trying to be a good Mum to a 10 yr old and you've got this dickhead acting in a way that could seriously affect your mental health and happiness.

I firmly believe cheating is a form of abuse.

Whether the cheater intends to abuse or not.

He has no loyalty or integrity.

And he's not only cheated on his wife but cheated - and therefore risked the marriage - in a situation in which he has be Ike a step parent and become a fixture in a child's life ..so their life is affected/temporarily destabilised if their Mum dies what many people would do and ends the relationship.

So he not only treats you shittily, he treats your child shittily too. Destabilising their home, wounding her Mum, affecting their Mum's happiness and stability.
And, as another poster says, he's been publicly humiliating you too. On topic everything else.

You sound like you think you should/have to get over this - you really don't!

You can end a relationship for anything you choose, but this is definitely up there.

These decisions take time, not leaving immediately means nothing, you can get rid of him any time you like. Whenever you've processed all this.
Just like he did what he wanted behind your back, untill someone telling you about it restricted his "freedom".

All this.

I feel like i don’t know him at all if he was able to have all this going on without me knowing anything. It’s like living a double life, and he would’ve continued if it hadn’t come out.

This is significant.

You didn't even have the suspicions and signs that most people have when their SO is cheating.

He's a very "effective" cheater - a very good liar and liar by omission.
That's not really someone you want to subject yourself and your child to.

No. No absolutely fucking not. I have never heard of a cheating bastard suggesting that before. He is still lying to you

Why did the sex stop with him and the ow? It seems odd that they just stopped unless they were found out? Is that what you mean? They were found out but have kept in touch since? You deserve so much more than to be treated like this. I'm sorry you are going through such a rubbish time. I suppose he's been keeping her on the back burner. Should you decide to end the relationship, he can go crawling off to her.

He also seems to fall into the group of people (usually men it seems) who think they'll gas light/jedi mind trick their wife or partner into believing this betrayal & disloyalty - the absolute bomb they've chosen to throw into the relationship - is nothing major, you should get over it, you should accept it, you're "lucky" it's over/he stopped shagging her/he hasn't left you etc etc.

They hope their wife/partner is suggestible/i fluencable/vulnerable enough to believe this and go along with it.

You seem to be in that position ATM.

What he's done is deal breaking ...it would be 100% understandable and reasonable if you ended the relationship now or at any time in the future.

I would very much like to see him if the shoe was on the other foot and you'd been having an affair on him, that he only found out about because a third party told him. Would he be accepting "oh, I only shagged him a handful of times, I stopped shagging him, I only stayed in contact cause we're mates" etc.
Would he, fuck!

He clearly thinks he has the upper hand in this relationship.
He thinks you'll take whatever shit he doles you out, and he can mind fuck you into minimising, excusing and reframing it.

I'd wonder about the general dynamic in your relationship.

The main thing I think is that I disclosed it

The op's h is so remorseful that he never disclosed it, continued regular contact with his affair partner even while on holiday with his wife and presumably step child ....and the op only knows because a kind, moral observer told her.

Rather different.

(On your own situation, there are few men who would forgive an affair let alone go along with their spouse working along side and having contact with their former affair partner. Most people, if they stayed, would probably insist on a change of job).