Can AP become friend??

[Whyohwhyohwhy84]

Can anyone tell me a success story from an affair partner becoming a friend when the physical part has stopped? Or is it more likely to have become an emotional affair?
In short, my h is trying to convince me that that’s what happened but surely he should have cut all contact when they stopped being physical??
Im not in a good place, please be kind. I’m trying to get my head around it all.

The other thing to consider carefully is what he's been telling his affair partner.

In my experience and observation, there are few women who'll get involved with an attached nan who has not given her the cheater's script (the AP cheater's script I mean, there's another cheater's script for the wife/partner).

An older than time script that defines how - while they may be technically attached - they're not really attached because of A, B, and C (usually with a big hint re. them leaving the relationship at some point).

There are very few women that will shag married/attached men without that script being used (or at the very least implied).

And related to that, when the AP increasingly realises that he's not leaving, they can get upset, angry and feel fooled; and they often tell his wife/partner . ..so that may be another reason (as well as an ongoing emotional affair) that he stayed in contact with her and tried to reframe their relationship as a friendship; because that's a slower, way less risky fade/drop than to just dump her.

He was probably partly making sure you didn't find out (through her) ....but he is obviously too dumb (though I'm sure he thinks he's very smart) to realise they weren't discrete enough that a third party wouldn't know and tell you.

So what if he is remorseful? People are remorseful in these situations because they realise what they are about to lose. They are remorseful because it has been discovered and, once an affair is out in the open like this, it stops being fun, exciting, romantic, sexy, and a delicious secret and becomes sordid and dirty and deceitful and a betrayal and they don't like to think of themselves in that way. The remorse is about how it makes them feel about themselves and the impact of it on their life. Not about the person they cheated on. If it were, they wouldn't have done it in the first place

This should be in a sticky at the top of this forum.

Someone asked why they stopped shagging. And apparently he did stop because he realised he loved me and didn’t want to cheat / have an affair. And he wanted to stay friends with her so they kept in contact. The contact turned out to be daily with weekly phone calls (all wheb I was out so I had no idea of this). He also went on 2 trips through his hobby and she was there too. But nothing happened on those trips..

I know he sounds like a selfish bastard, but he is the kindest gentlest man I have ever met. He is very unassuming, only had a few short term relationships in his life and is the furthest apart from a ‘player’ you can imagine. That’s making it even worse as his feelings must have been quite something for him to do this. I’ve only told a handful of people, and they’re all completely taken aback by his actions.

I am so sorry this happened to you too. They are not sorry for what they did. They are only sorry for being cought out. That is what my husband confessed. The journey ahead is not a good one. Please seek a therapist to help you. He will never tell you all of his feelings and why he did it. So prepare yourself for a long time of questions and little to no answers. The "I don't know" "It meant nothing" "I cannot remember". That shit is going to drive you insane. I am 15 months into my world crashing. And to be honest, i am not close to acceptance or healing. Be strong, and seek support. For you first.

And apparently he did stop because he realised he loved me and didn’t want to cheat / have an affair

Sorry but that's almost LOL ironic.

Someone who loves someone and is a decent person, at the point where things are becoming inappropriate with another person, stops it and says to themselves "I don't want to do this, this is not right, I love my partner, I care about my partner, I don't want to betray them etc etc".

He had already cheated/had an affair. He didn't stop himself he didn't nip it in the bud or walk away. At best, that should be phrased "didn't want to continue cheating/having an affair on his wife".

It took having an affair to realise he loved you?!! That suggests there was some doubt, does it not? That suggests he thought he loved her at some point.

I mean, he'd gotten into a serious relationship with you, become a step parent to your child, moved in together and married you (I think you're married?) so it would be reasonable to assume he loved you .....So why did he need to have an affair behind your back, to realise he loved you.

I would suggest that the very fact he started the affair (and no-one just shags someone out of the blue, one day, there's a build up - a build up that everyone doing it knows is inappropriate and crossing lines) means that he either doesn't really love you or he's one of those people whose "love" is not worth very much at all. Because it doesn't stop them cheating, until after they've shagged another woman a few times.

So from my point of view from the ‘other side’ (and yes my situation is extremely different and my DH is extremely unusual in being able to move past this), it sounds to me that he felt very guilty about the sex but whatever it was that he was searching for outside the marriage was more to do with the friendship and emotional attachment than the physical side. Maybe he was able to give up the sex (thus assuaging his guilt, which believe me is soul destroying for many people in affairs because you are viewed as the devil incarnate) but he was getting something else from the relationship that was harder to give up and easier to justify. I’m sorry if this is hard to read and it may also not at all be true or relevant as every situation is different. X

*but he is the kindest gentlest man I have ever met.

He's not kind.

He's fucked someone else behind his wife's back after promising to be monogamous, building a life with her and becoming a fixture in her innocent child's life.

And I bet his AP didn't fuck him with him telling her he was happy, devoted, settled, committed in his relationship etc. That would be very unusual indeed. The fact that he's let slip he decided he loved you - after he started shagging her - suggests there was a question mark over who he loved. I'd say she was given the impression he had feelings for her and may well leave for her.

He took your agency away when he had an affair; you had your right to decide if you wanted to remain committed to and intimate with someone who was now intimate - emotionally and sexually- with someone else.

He lied to your face and by omission repeatedly.

He publicly betrayed/humiliated you too - other people knew about his affair and had to let you know.

He felt entitled to do all that.

None of that is kind.

Not remotely so.

You've had the rose tinted glasses on. You mention gentle - have you been in abusive relationships before? What happened with your child's father?

You don't want to not recognise/stay with a level 5 shit man, just because you had level 9 shit men before him.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You say it was entirely unexpected and out of character, and presumably you didn’t pick up on any clues, or there seems no obvious ‘reason’ to blame. This makes it even harder to build back trust because how do you spot any future deception?

Does he understand the concept of an emotional affair? Have you specifically addressed this? Is his remorse about only the physical betrayal or is he also owning that the 7 month ‘friendship’ was a betrayal as well?

He’s doing the classic ‘I’ve chosen you’ line. The choice is actually in your hands, not his. You get to choose the terms of reconciliation. You also get to choose to forgive, or not. You get to choose whether you stay or if, and when you want to go.

Once a relation turns physical, you never go back to holding hands (not my words btw). This is so true!

I am going to hazard a good guess - OW doesn’t like how she would be painted. … affair with a married man etc… In order to make herself feel better and in an attempt to recoup some of her self-respect SHE is the one that stopped the physical side of it ‘I can’t do this any more, blah, blah, blah’. On a psychological level she still wants to be a ‘good girl’ and not be used for sex.

Then the affair continues with less guilt. Now they are getting to know one another on a more emotional level… This is a female ploy.

No, definitely not. He's only 'remorseful' because you found out. And he's not kind, he's just weak. He was happy to deceive you and lied to your face too until you confronted him with third party evidence!
A liar and a cheat. The AP is probably still on the back burner now for all you know.
I couldn't ( and didn't ) get past this.

Aside from the awful betrayal, the lies and deception that have broken your trust in him and your view of him - is the other root problem you're struggling with you fear he was in love this woman? Are you finding that hard to get past?

He’s doing the classic ‘I’ve chosen you’ line. The choice is actually in your hands, not his. You get to choose the terms of reconciliation. You also get to choose to forgive, or not. You get to choose whether you stay or if, and when you want to go.

This should be another sticky at the top of this forum.

Along with "you'd be throwing away a marriage" said to the victim. Nope, you (the cheater) already threw away the marriage. It wasn't me that did the throwing away.

After my affair ended we took some time of no contact, but then were in daily contact for a long time. That's no longer the case, but we do still catch up and chat, I've got a new DP and he has now moved on to an affair with someone else. We were together for a couple of years and always talked about everything so it did make sense for us to remain friendly to some degree - although his wife doesn't know about his multiple affairs so that was not an issue in terms of ongoing contact. It didn't move into an EA - for men I do think that term isn't really applicable, they want either a physical relationship or a friendship.

“You don't want to not recognise/stay with a level 5 shit man, just because you had level 9 shit men before him.”

Abso-feckin-lutely 👏👏👏

You are only going with what he says that nothing happened. Men who want to be friends with women they have dallied with want to keep the women available. It often restarts. They like the power of still having this woman on call. It fulfills a want in them.

I know he sounds like a selfish bastard, but he is the kindest gentlest man I’ve ever known.

@Whyohwhyohwhy84, he was not ‘kind and gentle’ when risking your health and robbing your consent and choice to live with/sleep with an honest, monogamous man. Perpetrating his double life was massively self-serving and devious … a brutal act. He proved to be an adulterer, just like your Ex.

His claim that he and OW were strictly platonic friends after the sex stopped is a manipulative tactic to swerve the truth. Their secret daily private contact speaks to their codependency and need to stay connected. He was addicted to her ego massages, and didn’t end their emotional romance until the hobby friend brought you out of the dark. That’s not platonic.

He wasn’t truly emotionally present with you during the period of sexual involvement or the 7 month EA afterward, including your holiday. Even if there was no physical contact or actual sex, you can bet there was an abundance of frisson and intimate energy flowing between them during their hobby trips, hobby meet-ups, messaging and calls. And I’m not convinced that they kept their hands, etc. to themselves on the trips.

He was very sneaky and an excellent liar. You now know what he is capable of, @Whyohwhyohwhy84. I wouldn’t be putting my and my child’s future in this man’s hands.

I’d say that the whole thing is just one affair, not differentiate between what he says are different parts of it. His word means nothing.

I’d get rid of this one OP. He isn’t centring you in the right way. He’s centring himself.

Just want to say that although hard to read, your responses are helping me to put into words what I’m feeling. Yes, it feels like the affair went on even though the sex might have stopped. And that’s what h says wasn’t the case as it turned into a friendship. But what Msdoglady (ea) have said , rings so true to me. So to read that my feelings are (or might be) justified really helps me as it’s difficult to know what to think and do.

The last man I was involved with had, when we started the relationship, a close ‘female friend’ he messaged all day etc. I knew that they had previously slept together and that he’d wanted more but it had fizzled out. We got into a huge row about his conduct, because although they were ‘just friends’ I saw it as a continuation of the previous thing which, in the context of our relationship, became an EA. He was all ‘you’re jealous, why can’t you cope with my female friend.’

So I understand the nuance in this and it is a way that men try to smuggle their backburner girlfriends / one that got away / real love interest into relationships— like a Trojan horse.

I know what I would do. I’d leave the cheating scumbag with immediate effect. Get to a lawyer and see if you can have him turfed out the house whilst you sell it. Get cms in place and start divorce proceedings. He’s a liar. He’s always been a liar and he will always be a liar. You don’t have to live with this shitty man.

If you’re struggling to do it for yourself OP then think of your DD - show her that women don’t have to tolerate lying cheating scumbag men.

I think emotional affairs can be more painful than physical ones. When he had a bad day or was feeling down, it should have been you he turned to but it will have been her. She will know much more about his feelings and other intimate things than you will and that’s the painful bit. He trusted and wanted to share his feelings/thoughts/hopes/laughs etc with her not you.

I think you are putting him on a pedestal a bit. Kindest man etc.,,.he isn’t because what he has done is very unkind.

Only a woman with low self esteem has an affair with a married man. A woman who has had the affair down-graded to friendship and still hangs in after being rejected, has even lower self esteem ( like on the floor, accepting his crumbs). Long term, that's not an attractive trait for anyone.
Don't now become his wife of low self-esteem. Hold your head high, you deserve better, it helps if he believes you deserve more too. You can assert this by having a temporary split, and making him earn and prove his way back rather than just 'trying to get over it', or 'put it behind you' or any other BS phrase used to try and move on. He should have to start from scratch again, date and woo you from a distance, that's the way to rebuild if you want to give him a chance - with no guarantees. Make him do the work to fix it.