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Original poster

I'm I just a fool

70 replies

ProudCoralLurker · 02/11/2024 22:20

I don't even know where or how to start this post. So I'll just try my best.

I have been single for 4 years and I have not dated anyone since my last relationship abruptly ended. It ended due to something that was out of my control and my SO control. Needless to say idk if my ex thought I abandoned him, but he started dating someone like a few months later, and the thought of it just added to my heartbreak. Even though we could not be together. If I ever needed help financially due to being a single parent, I was never let down. So fast forward to Feb 2023, was the last time we had communication. And for some reason I decided to message, then I wanted to be noisy and check their social media and found out the person who he started dating after me is pregnant. I truly wasn't upset about the pregnancy, however, I was hurt when I saw the date of when their relationship started. If we were still together in the beginning of Oct 2020 then how the heck were they dating at the end of Oct 2020. That made me feel like due to me finding some information out about him at the time, that he had hid from me, and wasn't sure about if I wanted to continue the relationship with him, I guess hi started to this other person. And then I kind of felt he abandoned me at the worst time of my life and started over with someone new. Was it because he was hurt.

Needless to say, the feelings I have for this person has never gone away. I still feel truly in love with him. Even after not speaking with him for over a year, it seems like there is still this unspoken love language between me and him. Even asking him for a favor a few days ago, his was with, no questions asked. I am not trying to drive a wedge into the relationship or situationship he has now. But I found myself pretty much telling how I didn't want to lose his friendship and how he is the only person I feel comfortable being open with and bearing my soul to. I'm I wrong for feeling this way, communicating with him, or having hope that one day we might try again?

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 02/11/2024 22:29

Is your child his child? If not, it’s time to cut ties with him. He’s having a family with another woman. Put yourself in her shoes. She’s pregnant and he’s still talking to his ex and doing favours for her, whilst she’s telling him he’s the only person she can bare her soul to. Don’t be that woman.

Also, he should have broken off the lines of communication with you at the latest when his partner became pregnant, preferably before. The fact that he hasn’t doesn’t paint him as a man with much integrity. You say you also found out things he’s lied to you about. This again suggests he isn’t very honourable or trustworthy.

Sometimes relationships end and it’s hard but your relationship with him is over. It didn’t work out. It’s been a year. He moved on quickly and is having a baby with his new partner. You need to move on with your life.

Block him everywhere. He doesn’t exist to you now. Your feelings for him will fade with time if you stay away from him. Of course they haven’t gone away yet because you are keeping him in your life. Cut him out and move forward. Focus on being a mum and building your own self esteem.

Opentooffers · 02/11/2024 22:30

Yes, unfortunately you are wrong, you are making it up in your head that you have a special love-language connection when you haven't been in communication for a year. That's in your imagination no doubt.
Is he the father of your DC's? If not, you've got some front asking him for financial assistance off him. If he is, then you should be having regular cms payments off him, not just bits when you ask.

Lostworlds · 02/11/2024 22:32

This is tough and I’m saying this gently, you need to accept the relationship is over and try move on.
He’s with someone else and is about to start a family, I wouldn’t call it a situationship, as they’ve been together for quite a while by the looks of it.

He was being friendly by supporting you but really, if he isn’t the father of your child then he should be gently cutting ties with you.

I know you care deeply for him and the thought of losing him scares you bur sadly he’s already lost you. You’re hurting yourself more by trying to keep lines of communication open.
Try focus on yourself and remove him from all social media. Let him focus on his life and you open yourself up to new possibilities instead of living in the past relationship.

ManhattanPopcorn · 02/11/2024 22:34

"I'm I wrong for feeling this way, communicating with him, or having hope that one day we might try again?"

Yes you are.
Wise up.
It's been 4 years. Go on a date!

PaminaMozart · 02/11/2024 22:43

If I ever needed help financially due to being a single parent, I was never let down

What does this mean? Your post is not at all clear. Is he your child's father?

Have you actually contacted him and told him that you didn't want to lose his friendship and how he is the only person I feel comfortable being open with and bearing my soul to? I hope not!

You must stop this wallowing and pointless yearning for something that will never be. Especially if he is indeed the father - it is imperative that you keep communication above board. Don't muddy the waters with your unresolved feelings. Go talk to a counsellor and start living your life.

NotaCoolMum · 02/11/2024 22:46

So your “love language” is asking your ex for favours and him saying yes? 🙄

He’s with someone else now- she’s carrying a baby… for the love of God please leave this man alone.

Starlight7080 · 02/11/2024 22:49

Do you have a child with him?
If not then you need to leave him alone now.
He has a partner and child on the way .
If he is the father to your child then keep it strictly about the child and nothing else

DurinsBane · 02/11/2024 22:52

ProudCoralLurker · 02/11/2024 22:20

I don't even know where or how to start this post. So I'll just try my best.

I have been single for 4 years and I have not dated anyone since my last relationship abruptly ended. It ended due to something that was out of my control and my SO control. Needless to say idk if my ex thought I abandoned him, but he started dating someone like a few months later, and the thought of it just added to my heartbreak. Even though we could not be together. If I ever needed help financially due to being a single parent, I was never let down. So fast forward to Feb 2023, was the last time we had communication. And for some reason I decided to message, then I wanted to be noisy and check their social media and found out the person who he started dating after me is pregnant. I truly wasn't upset about the pregnancy, however, I was hurt when I saw the date of when their relationship started. If we were still together in the beginning of Oct 2020 then how the heck were they dating at the end of Oct 2020. That made me feel like due to me finding some information out about him at the time, that he had hid from me, and wasn't sure about if I wanted to continue the relationship with him, I guess hi started to this other person. And then I kind of felt he abandoned me at the worst time of my life and started over with someone new. Was it because he was hurt.

Needless to say, the feelings I have for this person has never gone away. I still feel truly in love with him. Even after not speaking with him for over a year, it seems like there is still this unspoken love language between me and him. Even asking him for a favor a few days ago, his was with, no questions asked. I am not trying to drive a wedge into the relationship or situationship he has now. But I found myself pretty much telling how I didn't want to lose his friendship and how he is the only person I feel comfortable being open with and bearing my soul to. I'm I wrong for feeling this way, communicating with him, or having hope that one day we might try again?

What info did you find out?

Original poster
ProudCoralLurker · 02/11/2024 23:00

TipsyJoker · 02/11/2024 22:29

Is your child his child? If not, it’s time to cut ties with him. He’s having a family with another woman. Put yourself in her shoes. She’s pregnant and he’s still talking to his ex and doing favours for her, whilst she’s telling him he’s the only person she can bare her soul to. Don’t be that woman.

Also, he should have broken off the lines of communication with you at the latest when his partner became pregnant, preferably before. The fact that he hasn’t doesn’t paint him as a man with much integrity. You say you also found out things he’s lied to you about. This again suggests he isn’t very honourable or trustworthy.

Sometimes relationships end and it’s hard but your relationship with him is over. It didn’t work out. It’s been a year. He moved on quickly and is having a baby with his new partner. You need to move on with your life.

Block him everywhere. He doesn’t exist to you now. Your feelings for him will fade with time if you stay away from him. Of course they haven’t gone away yet because you are keeping him in your life. Cut him out and move forward. Focus on being a mum and building your own self esteem.

No my child is not his.

OP posts:
StSwithinsDay · 02/11/2024 23:03

I'm I wrong for feeling this way, communicating with him, or having hope that one day we might try again?
Yes. You are wrong. Leave the man alone. Stop this obsessive behaviour.

TwistedWonder · 02/11/2024 23:07

He’s moved on OP and you need to stop obsessing over him.

Hes with someone else now. Let him go

Original poster
ProudCoralLurker · 02/11/2024 23:07

Opentooffers · 02/11/2024 22:30

Yes, unfortunately you are wrong, you are making it up in your head that you have a special love-language connection when you haven't been in communication for a year. That's in your imagination no doubt.
Is he the father of your DC's? If not, you've got some front asking him for financial assistance off him. If he is, then you should be having regular cms payments off him, not just bits when you ask.

Thank You, for being honest. No he is not my child's father. And what I meant when I said that there is an unspoken connection, meaning that what will feel for each other will never go away. As well, when we were having difficult times towards the end, we always said that we would not stop speaking to each other,even if we did move on with someone else. As far as financial help, he does have the right to say no. As well, right now, I am the only one raising my daughter with no help. If I needed a friend or family member to pick her up from school, until I get off of work, I don't have that. I have had to turn down many job offers because it does not align with my child's schedule. So, I struggle month after the month with the little I do have, even though I am thankful for it. It's depressing.

OP posts:
Lostworlds · 02/11/2024 23:08

Since he isn’t the father of your child then please cut all contact with him. Let him focus on his family, he’s about to become a dad, don’t admit any of these feelings to him because I’m sorry to say, he isn’t going to choose you.

You’re feeling hurt but you’re doing this to yourself. I’m sorry but you’re living in the past and preventing yourself from moving on. Remove him as a contact, delete him on social media, stop checking his profiles. Don’t tell him how you feel, it’s not going to end the way you want it too.

It’s been 4 years now and sadly he hasn’t returned to start your relationship again, he’s created a new life for himself and he isn’t the same person as when he was with you.

I’m not trying to be mean here, but you need to let this go now.

I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time and don’t have any family support but that’s not on him anymore.
You’ve mentioned that you agreed to always be there for each other at the end of your relationship but that was 4 years ago, you can’t keep him to that. He is about to bring a child into this world and that will be his priority, he can’t support you.
I know you care deeply for him but think about the mother of his child. Yes you were in love but now they are in love, let them be a family and you focus on yours.

Original poster
ProudCoralLurker · 02/11/2024 23:10

TipsyJoker · 02/11/2024 22:29

Is your child his child? If not, it’s time to cut ties with him. He’s having a family with another woman. Put yourself in her shoes. She’s pregnant and he’s still talking to his ex and doing favours for her, whilst she’s telling him he’s the only person she can bare her soul to. Don’t be that woman.

Also, he should have broken off the lines of communication with you at the latest when his partner became pregnant, preferably before. The fact that he hasn’t doesn’t paint him as a man with much integrity. You say you also found out things he’s lied to you about. This again suggests he isn’t very honourable or trustworthy.

Sometimes relationships end and it’s hard but your relationship with him is over. It didn’t work out. It’s been a year. He moved on quickly and is having a baby with his new partner. You need to move on with your life.

Block him everywhere. He doesn’t exist to you now. Your feelings for him will fade with time if you stay away from him. Of course they haven’t gone away yet because you are keeping him in your life. Cut him out and move forward. Focus on being a mum and building your own self esteem.

Thank you, I appreciate your honesty. No my child is not his. I meant that he is the only person that I feel comfort being open with and bearing my soul too. But honestly will my feelings fade with time, it hasn't and I have been single for 4 years, and not even had a date. Does true for someone ever fade?

OP posts:
girlofsandwich · 02/11/2024 23:11

You really need to rip the bandaid off and stop contacting him. I understand your feelings but I think a lot of this "unspoken love language" from your end is just familiarity.

He has a family for one, and you are closing yourself off to the opportunity to meet someone whilst being hung up on this ex who has clearly moved on and had other priorities.

Break ups are always painful but you're prolonging the pain by staying in contact. People are devastated by breakups all the time and get through it, it does just take time, and no contact. I don't mean to sound harsh I know it feels rough, but knowing no contact and time apart was crucial has helped me in the past.

Original poster
ProudCoralLurker · 02/11/2024 23:16

Lostworlds · 02/11/2024 22:32

This is tough and I’m saying this gently, you need to accept the relationship is over and try move on.
He’s with someone else and is about to start a family, I wouldn’t call it a situationship, as they’ve been together for quite a while by the looks of it.

He was being friendly by supporting you but really, if he isn’t the father of your child then he should be gently cutting ties with you.

I know you care deeply for him and the thought of losing him scares you bur sadly he’s already lost you. You’re hurting yourself more by trying to keep lines of communication open.
Try focus on yourself and remove him from all social media. Let him focus on his life and you open yourself up to new possibilities instead of living in the past relationship.

Thank you for being gentle. I am saying a situationship, like they're just having fun. But I wonder them having a baby was a part of the plan. My whole life has changed since 2020 and part of me does want to let him go and I hate that I feel so much for him, I want to feel that for someone else. But I think I just hold on, because of everything that has changed in the last four years and the trauma affects me deeply to this day, so I guess he just seems like the one thing I want and I'm trying to hold to before my life got completey flipped upside down.

OP posts:
Original poster
ProudCoralLurker · 02/11/2024 23:19

ManhattanPopcorn · 02/11/2024 22:34

"I'm I wrong for feeling this way, communicating with him, or having hope that one day we might try again?"

Yes you are.
Wise up.
It's been 4 years. Go on a date!

I don't mind going on a date. But I can't bring my child along. I adore my baby. But I have not had a day to myself in the last four years. So if I was to go on a date it would have to be a morning or early afternoon one.

OP posts:
Original poster
ProudCoralLurker · 02/11/2024 23:21

PaminaMozart · 02/11/2024 22:43

If I ever needed help financially due to being a single parent, I was never let down

What does this mean? Your post is not at all clear. Is he your child's father?

Have you actually contacted him and told him that you didn't want to lose his friendship and how he is the only person I feel comfortable being open with and bearing my soul to? I hope not!

You must stop this wallowing and pointless yearning for something that will never be. Especially if he is indeed the father - it is imperative that you keep communication above board. Don't muddy the waters with your unresolved feelings. Go talk to a counsellor and start living your life.

Why do you hope not?

OP posts:
Starlight7080 · 02/11/2024 23:23

Do you think it's fair to his new partner or child?
It is hard to get over people but he has obviously moved on a long time ago

StSwithinsDay · 02/11/2024 23:28

How old is your child?

Original poster
ProudCoralLurker · 02/11/2024 23:29

StSwithinsDay · 02/11/2024 23:28

How old is your child?

I have a tween

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 02/11/2024 23:31

@DurinsBane you didn't need to quote the whole OP.

5128gap · 02/11/2024 23:31

Yes, you are wrong. The man has a child with a woman you have no reason to think is anything other than his partner. (And referring to their relationship as a 'situationship' doesn't make that any less true) You are deliberately engaging with him under false pretences that you want him as a friend, when really you absolutely do want to drive a wedge between him and his partner. You are taking advantage of his kindness to you by seeking his help because you hope to rekindke a relationship, and you are doing this regardless of his partner and child. This is wrong to them, but also wrong for you. Because if you are able to get him to cheat with you, then you'll have landed yourself a cheat and that's no prize at all. Do yourself a favour and accept that relationships end sometimes, and that you move on and find another. He isn't the only man in the world.

TheShellBeach · 02/11/2024 23:31

And not another post about "love language"!

Original poster
ProudCoralLurker · 02/11/2024 23:33

Starlight7080 · 02/11/2024 23:23

Do you think it's fair to his new partner or child?
It is hard to get over people but he has obviously moved on a long time ago

I truly understand what you are saying and I am not pursuing him, in that regard due respect for his partner. I am not trying to jump his bones. I am celibate. I need someone, and even though he may not be the best person. As stupid or silly as it may sound, he has not given up on me. We said that we would always be a part of each other's life no matter if we went left or right. His friendship means more to me than many can fathom.

OP posts: