I'm I just a fool

[ProudCoralLurker]

I don't even know where or how to start this post. So I'll just try my best.

I have been single for 4 years and I have not dated anyone since my last relationship abruptly ended. It ended due to something that was out of my control and my SO control. Needless to say idk if my ex thought I abandoned him, but he started dating someone like a few months later, and the thought of it just added to my heartbreak. Even though we could not be together. If I ever needed help financially due to being a single parent, I was never let down. So fast forward to Feb 2023, was the last time we had communication. And for some reason I decided to message, then I wanted to be noisy and check their social media and found out the person who he started dating after me is pregnant. I truly wasn't upset about the pregnancy, however, I was hurt when I saw the date of when their relationship started. If we were still together in the beginning of Oct 2020 then how the heck were they dating at the end of Oct 2020. That made me feel like due to me finding some information out about him at the time, that he had hid from me, and wasn't sure about if I wanted to continue the relationship with him, I guess hi started to this other person. And then I kind of felt he abandoned me at the worst time of my life and started over with someone new. Was it because he was hurt.

Needless to say, the feelings I have for this person has never gone away. I still feel truly in love with him. Even after not speaking with him for over a year, it seems like there is still this unspoken love language between me and him. Even asking him for a favor a few days ago, his was with, no questions asked. I am not trying to drive a wedge into the relationship or situationship he has now. But I found myself pretty much telling how I didn't want to lose his friendship and how he is the only person I feel comfortable being open with and bearing my soul to. I'm I wrong for feeling this way, communicating with him, or having hope that one day we might try again?

Thank You, I will and I am trying. Something traumatic happened to my child that I can't disclose on here. And due to not wanting him to be caught up in what was going on, I had no choice but to sacrifice the relationship.

As stupid or silly as it may sound, he has not given up on me

Except you haven't heard from him for nearly two years.

That wasn't very supportive of him then, despite your saying he would do anything for you.

I am not being mysterious. If you were in my shoes, then you would may feel the same way I do.

Try being in my shoes and being a single parent trying to make ends meet and not even having a single person you trust or can count on to pick your child up and take them to their other after school programs. I have had to decline job offers just because I've made sacrifices for my child.

Plenty of us are or have been in your situation. No its not easy being a single mum without family help. I managed by working as a childminder, and various other work from home opportunities until my DCs were old enough to be left at home after school. Other parents use after school clubs (paying for registered childcare can be paid with vouchers that come out of pre-tax earnings and can also be paid for by universal credit if you qualify, there is plenty of help to make childcare more affordable). Yes your DCs may have to sacrifice their clubs etc but surely having a working mum who provides instead of sponging off her ex is preferable here in terms of setting a good example?

Either way, you clinging on to this ex as if your love was 'so special it transcends time and other relationships' is melodramatic bullshit. My DP was in a similar situation when we met, had been separated from his ex for several years but both still stuck on each other, torturing each other with what-ifs and promising to always be friends etc.

Except of course she didn't want to be an actual friend who talked about details of his life, eg his new GF aka me. She didn't want him to be happy without her. She wanted to be a 'special friend' who twisted him round her little finger and made him feel guilty for moving on, stuck forever in this loop of talking about the past and how things could never work between them but promising to always be in each others lives. We stopped dating for a while as it was shitty to be the new partner in this situation. Luckily he's finally managed to break the trauma bond and move on properly, but I don't think she has.

Maybe you're her?

Either way, what you had with him wasn't some special secret love language, it was a common or garden relationship that broke down, as relationships do. Let it go, learn a lesson, don't waste the rest of your life mooning over some guy. Dick is plentiful.

He's moved on, you need to too

Who is the ‘he’ that you didn’t want caught up in the traumatic events? Your child or your partner?

I don’t think this ‘I had no choice, he had no choice’ narrative is particularly helpful in your situation. You had agency. You chose, for presumably good reasons, to end the relationship for reasons related to your child. Your ex almost immediately started seeing someone else afterwards. If you ended things, he didn’t ‘abandon you at the worst time in your life’. You ended things and he moved on. They now have a baby, it’s four years after your relationship ended, and you haven’t spoken to him since February 2023, but keep asking him for favours, and you refer to his relationship of more than two years, which has produced, or is about to produce, a baby, as a ‘situationship’. That’s pretty seriously deluded. Move on, OP.

He is a lot to blame for why you can't move on. It's been 4 years, you are not moving on because of the things he said when you last saw him, ridiculous promises of forever contact that emotionally mature people would not make . Has he responded to your recent contact? You've not had a date in that time, but have you been going out to meet people? I suspect if you were to date someone else, you'd maybe latch onto them too. You seem to feel you need someone else to get by. I get it, it's a hard slog as a working single parent. I was one for 15 years, still single, but he's independent now (though still living with me). Does your DC see their father? I had mine 100%, so a total lone parent, but luckily, had some family support. How did you meet your ex? Go on dates? It's hard to meet people when you're a lone parent, I resorted to Internet dating, had some fun, but nothing that was going to last, it's not the best place to find someone, but it gets you by.

You may find that when he becomes a father he will naturally prioritise his child and current partner- you know the one he's had for the past four years. If I was the new partner I would be absolutely opposed to my partner doing favours for some ex he had broken up with four years ago. He has moved on with his life and you need to do the same. Hire a babysitter and start going out. Why isn't the father of your child paying anything?

I’m struggling to follow this post and decipher it.

The relationship might be tangled up a bit in your mind with the traumatic event

You can’t help how you feel but you can certainly help what you do about it.

Yes it will fade if you stop putting your energy into maintaining it. You’re purposely focusing on it & wallowing in the past. With all due respect, this isn’t a Jane Austen novel. This is real life. You act as if no-one else on this thread has ever been in love or had their heartbroken. Unless you married your first love and stayed with them forever, everybody has. It’s almost a rite of passage in life. You need to get more stuff in your life. I realise you’re a single parent but you could even get involved in online meet ups around things you have an interest in. You could also get a paid babysitter and get out with friends. I was a single parent myself for years so I do know what it’s like. You cannot move forward until you close this door on your past. You are blocking new things and people from coming into your life by clinging to something that is never going to materialise. If he’s kept you at arms length it’s prob because he likes the idea of having you if he wants an ego boost. And it’s very immature to believe that just because someone says they will stay in your life no matter what, that they actually will. People say a lot of things until life moves on and changes. You’re not modelling healthy behaviour to your daughter by insisting on pining over a long dead relationship. Find the resolve to lay this to rest, grieve and then move forward into a new phase of your life in a healthy way. You should probably consider counselling because it would appear you might have some issues around unhealthy attachments.

Did this traumatic event that happened to your child have anything to do with ex’s actions?

You need to move on. Leave him alone to get on with his life and his new family. His new GF had every right to have a child with a man she had been with for 4 years. You need to stop pining for someone who is not yours.

Summary;
you split in Oct 20
he has a new partner and baby
you last spoke in Feb 23
You claim you can't work or date because you have a child
You think he should be helping you financially
You are deluded and living half a life for a man who has moved on and rightly so.
Get a job, childcare and start living life for you and your child.

Where is your child's father?! It is him you should be asking for financial help, not this man.

Do you work? There is something very "off" about your posts and attitude. Your child is your responsibility, your life is your responsibility.

Since you don't seem to want to explain whyyou broke up, it's very difficult to answer your question. Nothing to read into his starting a new relationship within weeks of your breakup. He dived straight in and you did the opposite. How long were you together? However long you go on torturing yourself that he's not romantically free. I din't believe for a moment that yiu want him as a friend. If youdid, you would have no problem with him becoming a Dad be it on purpose or by mistake. As long as you stay locked in your daydream, you won't be able to move forward. How old are you? You say you haven't been on a date for 4 years - is that because you don't want to or never meet anyone?