I'm I just a fool

[ProudCoralLurker]

I don't even know where or how to start this post. So I'll just try my best.

I have been single for 4 years and I have not dated anyone since my last relationship abruptly ended. It ended due to something that was out of my control and my SO control. Needless to say idk if my ex thought I abandoned him, but he started dating someone like a few months later, and the thought of it just added to my heartbreak. Even though we could not be together. If I ever needed help financially due to being a single parent, I was never let down. So fast forward to Feb 2023, was the last time we had communication. And for some reason I decided to message, then I wanted to be noisy and check their social media and found out the person who he started dating after me is pregnant. I truly wasn't upset about the pregnancy, however, I was hurt when I saw the date of when their relationship started. If we were still together in the beginning of Oct 2020 then how the heck were they dating at the end of Oct 2020. That made me feel like due to me finding some information out about him at the time, that he had hid from me, and wasn't sure about if I wanted to continue the relationship with him, I guess hi started to this other person. And then I kind of felt he abandoned me at the worst time of my life and started over with someone new. Was it because he was hurt.

Needless to say, the feelings I have for this person has never gone away. I still feel truly in love with him. Even after not speaking with him for over a year, it seems like there is still this unspoken love language between me and him. Even asking him for a favor a few days ago, his was with, no questions asked. I am not trying to drive a wedge into the relationship or situationship he has now. But I found myself pretty much telling how I didn't want to lose his friendship and how he is the only person I feel comfortable being open with and bearing my soul to. I'm I wrong for feeling this way, communicating with him, or having hope that one day we might try again?

You’re writing all of this a bit…melodramatically? Make new friends. Pay for childcare and go on dates. Get on with your life. This is silly.

I think most of us are well aware of how much friends can mean OP. But friendships where you're in love with your friend and they have a partner are soul destroying if its not reciprocated and emotional affairs if it is.

You need to get some other friends or work on creating a support network of your own. It is borderline unhealthy to rely on one person in your life so much for all your emotional support when they are your partner, let alone when they are somebody else's. As the saying goes, if you love them set them free.

Does true for someone ever fade?

If he felt for you or thought of you in the way you think he does you would be together. It sounds like he has had ample opportunity to come back in the past 4 years but hasn't and he has even cut contact with you.

I am saying a situationship, like they're just having fun. But I wonder them having a baby was a part of the plan.

They are not just having fun they are starting a family, plan or not it doesn't matter he is choosing to be with his current DP. If he wanted a relationship with you he would be in one with you.

If you were pregnant and your DP was financially supporting an ex, other than because he is supporting his own children, any time she asked how on earth would you feel about it? Walk a mile in her shoes, I doubt they feel very comfortable.

He hasn't contacted you for 20 months, this isn't a hint, this isn't him mooning for you. Hard to hear this but he is not even giving you a passing thought, he is busy with his life. This man was your partner for a moment in time, he no longer is yours, he is someone elses partner. For your sake and for that of your DC you urgently need to get on with life.

Plenty of single parents struggle with time and financially but they can and do make it work. Just start with small steps and don't expect to launch into a wildly romantic phase with a new partner. We all have to feel our way through our situations and emotions taking it slow and steady will help you and your DC find a stable future.

No I don't want him to cheat on her. Has he done that already, I don't know, may be. But was it with me NO. I don't plan on getting into another relationship until my child is at least 17 or 18, I have many more years to go. Right now, yes we are friends. I am not taking advantage of his kindness. Try being in my shoes and being a single parent trying to make ends meet and not even having a single person you trust or can count on to pick your child up and take them to their other after school programs. I have had to decline job offers just because I've made sacrifices for my child.

But you are not respecting his relationship with his partner when you’re clearly still calling him for financial help or favours- I doubt his partner would appreciate him giving his ex money when it should be going towards their child. I mean this as gently as can be- it’s not his problem or responsibility to take care of you.

Thanks, it's silly to you because you don't understand.

Does his partner know about you and the continued relationship between the 2 of you?

Of course and I am not taking offense to it. I don't want him to take care of me. I am not trying to be that person, but I can't help what I feel.

Why did you break up?
I know its hard raising a child alone . But it isn't his job to look after you . And you obviously have feeling for him so that makes being friends more awkward.
Also it means you will never get over him.
I'm sure you are doing a great job raising your child. Maybe just focus on that and avoid him for a while

I think you need to stop believing that he’s the one, I know he said you two would always have a connection but in reality it’s been a year since you properly talked and I’m guessing he hasn’t reached out to you in that time or tried to remain in contact with you.

You have decided not to focus on dating and that’s your choice, but you need to stop living in the hope that one day you and your ex will be together because in the last 4 years he’s moved on. It’s not a situationship, it may have started out as fun but now it’s a serious relationship.

I’ll repeat myself again but you are putting yourself in a position of getting hurt. At some point he will not respond to you at all. There may even be a chance of his partner telling you to leave him alone. Don’t risk that happening. Let him live his life and you focus on yours.

Your life as a single parent is hard but you’re living it, you can still date, you can still talk to people so put yourself out there and help yourself move on.

But if he’s the only person you’re opening up to, you’re keeping your feelings ‘live’. You need new friends, new interests, other people you can look to for support. Asking your ex for support won’t rekindle things.

You’re being very mysterious about the reasons your last relationship ended, and it being ‘out of your control’, but wouldn’t it be better to acknowledge he just preferred someone else, ultimately?

Even though I know I probably will be crushed again, maybe I'm willing to take that risk for his friendship.

You sound like a stalker. If you were a man and speaking like this about a woman you would be getting zero sympathy..

I do have a few friends and I get that it may be unhealthy, but I have come a long way from where I was before. I am going to try my best to go no contact again.

He did that for you, 20 months ago when he broke contact.

I don't know.

Huh?

Your opening posts states and I quote

So fast forward to Feb 2023, was the last time we had communication.

Okay, it's not about sympathy.

It’s really not as complex as you think it is.

That was the last time I spoke to him.

Exactly and that was 20 months ago.

Of course, it isn't. Sometimes common sense goes out the window when the feelings you have for someone can't even be put into words.

I mean this with kindness. You really need to start to be kinder to yourself. Life changes and people and things change too. You need to take a step away from this fixation. Off course it will be hard.
You need to focus on your child and start to work on your self.
He is not yours anymore more. He has a new family.
You will get over it in time but you need to let go.