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Original poster

Partner says we are just friends. Is he trying to break up with me?

76 replies

Jennilouise2 · 02/11/2024 20:40

Hello! Me and my partner have been together for over 2 years. Here is a little bit about us fro understanding how I have come to the conclusion. We live about 12 miles from each other which we both knew this when we got together. I don't drive, again he knew this when we initially got together. I have my own house and my own business which has been a dream of mine and it does take up a lot of my time, but I still make time to see him, family and friends. His job hands on and he hates it but he’s struggling to get another. He has autism, dyslexia, dyspraxia and a nerve condition that he has recently got a diagnosis for. His autism does affect our relationship in the communication and affection side of things. I have read numerous and listened to several books and podcasts on the subject to understand and make life easier.
He has moved in with his parents recently due to renting out his flat to give him extra money. He’s cautious and sensible with money which I like in him but he is now saying he can’t come and see me as much because the fuel is becoming expensive. I am very aware that it is a little expensive so I have always said I will get public transport to see him instead. He always says no. So basically the next time I will see him is in 4 weeks time! I do find it concerning that he is getting another large and expensive tattoo though but says he has no money to see me. We are supposed to be going away for a few days over the Christmas period that he booked but I had to ask lots for him to go. Another reason I think he has zoned out of our “relationship”.
When I say to him he’s my partner, boyfriend, he looks at me weirdly and says “we are just friends”
this is so confusing as he always sends me “love you” nighttime messages. It’s extremely confusing and it’s messing with my head. I see him looking at me and I say “os everything ok” he then says yeah but says nothing making me paranoid.
With the distance thing he has had other relationships in the past that have been lots longer in distance and he seemed to see them more. It is starting to make me feel that I’m not worthy of that as I don’t ever get treated the way he says he treated his exes.
Im so confused……… any advice???

OP posts:
Farfarout · 02/11/2024 20:42

If this is real - surely you know if it's a relationship or friendship.

sonjadog · 02/11/2024 20:45

Have you ever had a physical relationship with him? Do you kiss when you meet? Did you discuss that you were in a relationship with each other when you first started hanging out?

LostOnTheWayToManderley · 02/11/2024 20:45

Does he see it as a friends with benefits situation? I’m assuming there are the benefits!

Azerothi · 02/11/2024 20:45

You sound way, way overinvested in this relationship by calling him a partner and him thinking it's a platonic relationship. What are you confused about? He seems to be very upfront that you're not his girlfriend or 'partner' as you put it.

Waterboatlass · 02/11/2024 20:45

I think all the autism stuff is a red herring. If he has said to you with a straight face that you're just friends, take him at his word that he does not consider this a relationship.

Wowzel · 02/11/2024 20:45

It doesn't sound like he thinks you're his gf...

Original poster
Jennilouise2 · 02/11/2024 20:46

Farfarout · 02/11/2024 20:42

If this is real - surely you know if it's a relationship or friendship.

I know this sounds crazy but I don’t know if he just wants a friend or a relationship. He’s only got one friend, his family and me so I’m not sure if he’s just keeping me around because he gets lonely.

OP posts:
FairCrow · 02/11/2024 20:47

Do you sleep together?

Original poster
Jennilouise2 · 02/11/2024 20:48

sonjadog · 02/11/2024 20:45

Have you ever had a physical relationship with him? Do you kiss when you meet? Did you discuss that you were in a relationship with each other when you first started hanging out?

We do kiss, have sex sometimes and cuddle. We both were very certain we were in a relationship at first but it’s only been in the last 2 months that he has been saying this.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 02/11/2024 20:49

He can’t afford petrol to drive 12 miles to see you?? It’s hardly long distance is it?

It’s not a relationship at all in his eyes.

Do you go on dates? Are you intimate - and I don’t just mean sex

Mrsttcno1 · 02/11/2024 20:49

2 things really

  1. Fuel cost. Assuming it is actually 12 miles and you haven’t missed a 0 off the end, 12 miles worth of fuel is about £1.56, so £3.04 there and back. That isn’t bank breaking amounts?

  2. Surely you know if you’re in a relationship or just friends. Do you go on dates? Do you kiss? Do you have sex? Has he asked you to be his girlfriend? What do his family know you as?

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 02/11/2024 20:50

Regardless of what he thinks it is, I would be running a mile. Who wants that kind of headfuckery and confusion, not to mention single monthly meet-ups under duress.

category12 · 02/11/2024 20:50

Jennilouise2 · 02/11/2024 20:46

I know this sounds crazy but I don’t know if he just wants a friend or a relationship. He’s only got one friend, his family and me so I’m not sure if he’s just keeping me around because he gets lonely.

Show quote history

You do know. He's explicitly said "we are just friends".

Accept it and get on with your life.

Thursdaygirl · 02/11/2024 20:50

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 02/11/2024 20:50

Regardless of what he thinks it is, I would be running a mile. Who wants that kind of headfuckery and confusion, not to mention single monthly meet-ups under duress.

This!

Original poster
Jennilouise2 · 02/11/2024 20:51

Azerothi · 02/11/2024 20:45

You sound way, way overinvested in this relationship by calling him a partner and him thinking it's a platonic relationship. What are you confused about? He seems to be very upfront that you're not his girlfriend or 'partner' as you put it.

I’ve met his family, we have in the past called each other boyfriend/girlfriend. Now in the last 3 months it’s changed.

OP posts:
Galectable · 02/11/2024 20:51

I think he wants to end the relationship but can't put it into words. It sounds like a good time for you to move on. Good luck.

MounjaroUser · 02/11/2024 20:51

Take him at his word. Don't answer his messages in the evening. Don't say you'll go over to meet up with him. Don't invite him to yours.

He's telling you you're not a couple. It's really hard for you, I know, but it'll be worse if you ignore what he's saying.

sonjadog · 02/11/2024 20:52

I think he has downgraded the relationship and hasn't made it clear to you. There is nothing in your OP to suggest he sees you as more than friends at present. I would try to downgrade him in your mind too. If it is too hard for you to be only friends with him, then you may have to break contact.

LostOnTheWayToManderley · 02/11/2024 20:52

Well, that’s that then. He’s just not that into you.
Agree with PP, time to move on.

Attelina · 02/11/2024 20:53

He's incapable of giving you a normal, loving relationship. Whether that's down to autism or he just wants a friend with benefits, I don't know!

You can do a lot better than him, I'm sure .

Original poster
Jennilouise2 · 02/11/2024 20:53

TwistedWonder · 02/11/2024 20:49

He can’t afford petrol to drive 12 miles to see you?? It’s hardly long distance is it?

It’s not a relationship at all in his eyes.

Do you go on dates? Are you intimate - and I don’t just mean sex

Edited

Yeah we go on dates, we have been on trips together, we have “couple pics” we are intimate as in we kiss and cuddle. He’s not affectionate in public which is not everyone’s thing.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 02/11/2024 20:55

He's a spineless arse with no respect for you. I think you should ditch him and move on.

Lots of us are autistic and wouldn't dream of treating anyone like this, btw. Just as a little counterpoint to all the horrible ableist comments this thread is likely to generate.

Original poster
Jennilouise2 · 02/11/2024 21:00

Mrsttcno1 · 02/11/2024 20:49

2 things really

  1. Fuel cost. Assuming it is actually 12 miles and you haven’t missed a 0 off the end, 12 miles worth of fuel is about £1.56, so £3.04 there and back. That isn’t bank breaking amounts?

  2. Surely you know if you’re in a relationship or just friends. Do you go on dates? Do you kiss? Do you have sex? Has he asked you to be his girlfriend? What do his family know you as?

Yeah he asked me to be his girlfriend in the sweetest way ever. But I don’t get the “we are just friends” comments now.

OP posts:
category12 · 02/11/2024 21:01

Jennilouise2 · 02/11/2024 21:00

Yeah he asked me to be his girlfriend in the sweetest way ever. But I don’t get the “we are just friends” comments now.

Show quote history

Presumably he's changed his mind and wants to go back to just being friends, if he's now saying that.

Original poster
Jennilouise2 · 02/11/2024 21:02

Mrsttcno1 · 02/11/2024 20:49

2 things really

  1. Fuel cost. Assuming it is actually 12 miles and you haven’t missed a 0 off the end, 12 miles worth of fuel is about £1.56, so £3.04 there and back. That isn’t bank breaking amounts?

  2. Surely you know if you’re in a relationship or just friends. Do you go on dates? Do you kiss? Do you have sex? Has he asked you to be his girlfriend? What do his family know you as?

His family know me as his girlfriend

OP posts:
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