Partner says we are just friends. Is he trying to break up with me?

[Jennilouise2]

Hello! Me and my partner have been together for over 2 years. Here is a little bit about us fro understanding how I have come to the conclusion. We live about 12 miles from each other which we both knew this when we got together. I don't drive, again he knew this when we initially got together. I have my own house and my own business which has been a dream of mine and it does take up a lot of my time, but I still make time to see him, family and friends. His job hands on and he hates it but he’s struggling to get another. He has autism, dyslexia, dyspraxia and a nerve condition that he has recently got a diagnosis for. His autism does affect our relationship in the communication and affection side of things. I have read numerous and listened to several books and podcasts on the subject to understand and make life easier.
He has moved in with his parents recently due to renting out his flat to give him extra money. He’s cautious and sensible with money which I like in him but he is now saying he can’t come and see me as much because the fuel is becoming expensive. I am very aware that it is a little expensive so I have always said I will get public transport to see him instead. He always says no. So basically the next time I will see him is in 4 weeks time! I do find it concerning that he is getting another large and expensive tattoo though but says he has no money to see me. We are supposed to be going away for a few days over the Christmas period that he booked but I had to ask lots for him to go. Another reason I think he has zoned out of our “relationship”.
When I say to him he’s my partner, boyfriend, he looks at me weirdly and says “we are just friends”
this is so confusing as he always sends me “love you” nighttime messages. It’s extremely confusing and it’s messing with my head. I see him looking at me and I say “os everything ok” he then says yeah but says nothing making me paranoid.
With the distance thing he has had other relationships in the past that have been lots longer in distance and he seemed to see them more. It is starting to make me feel that I’m not worthy of that as I don’t ever get treated the way he says he treated his exes.
Im so confused……… any advice???

He sounds like a total prick. And Autism is not a licence to be a prick with impunity. I can't help but feel that your self esteem must be subterranean if you're dancing for crumbs from this specimen.

Please put the petrol money towards some therapy. Or beer or chocolate or anything in fact.

Yeah ever since then things changed massively

Can't you do any better than this? Or do you like taking on impossible projects?
If I was in your shoes I'd be looking at going out with someone who has at least as much as me not lame ducks.
I learnt my lesson early on.

It’s 12 miles really not far.

He told you that you're just friends. Believe him.

Have you ever been to his flat, given that he has been making excuses for you not to travel to him? There are things afoot that he is keeping you in the dark about. You need to have it out with him. Just ask him plainly why, after having asked you to be his GF he is now in denyal about it and claiming you are just a friend?
It sounds like in his mind he has demoted you, without actually telling you. Saying you are only his friend is perhaps all he feels he needs to do to inform you and you'll get it and accept it.

The petrol price is most likely an excuse so he can control when he sees you and ensure you can't see how he's living at his end. Not being a driver, you might not have noticed this, but if in the UK, petrol prices have actually gone down a lot in the last couple of months.

So he doesn’t want to see you very often and he doesn’t seem to think of you as his girlfriend anymore. What is there left?

Tbh I did think it was a typo from OP as 12 miles is nothing. Even if that's in London and taking into account traffic that cannot be more than 15 to 20 minutes travel.

Sounds like he's not serious about you. After two years you should be sure of your relationship and not having to ask whether it is one. You deserve more.

Does he have learning difficulties/special needs?

Just ask him outright

"You say we're just friends, does that mean you think we've broken up and are not girlfriend/boyfriend"

You need to just ask him outright when he broke up with you. Then need to break it off with him on your end.

I know you said he has a few diagnosis's but I don’t think that it means you have to just stay in this confusing situation and let him mess with your head like this.
You deserve better Op.

I guess next time he texts I love you you reply you said we were just friends. And take it from there- I think you’re just friends. He’s getting enough company now he lives with his parents, and doesn’t need you anymore. I’m sorry.

What do you get out of this? You have your own house and business but when a guy you've been seeing for 2 years says you're just friends and 12 miles is too far for him to visit, you don't ask him wtf he's talking about and you still go back???? You're worth so much more, please see sense and do for yourself whatever you'd advise your sister or best friend in this situation

@Jennilouise2

Drip drip drip in his ear from his parents then I suspect.

Sounds like you should move on and let him be just that, a friend and nothing more.

Forget labels, he’s clearly showing you that you aren’t a priority. Stop trying to figure this guy out and start asking what you want from a relationship and then ask yourself is this it.

If two years in, you question if you are in a relationship then something is very wrong.

Whatever his neurodivergence it is fairly clear that he has cooled on the relationship. You have your pride and a busy life OP. I'd end it with him.

Him telling you your just friends is his clumsy way of it's over, when you've not been getting the 'messages' yourself. If he's genuinely autistic it's possible he doesn't communicate particularly well and if you are also ND you maybe don't get his obvious hints. This Girlfriend Boyfriend thing used to be the term used for anyone you were seeing or having sex with, he possibly has mixed this up as a literal term as 'a girl who is a friend' Either way you are not his partner or girlfriend in the modern sense of the word. He may love you as a friend (I hear people saying 'love you' all the time to other people they are clearly not IN LOVE with) As someone who's struggled with relationships all my life (and knowing when to let go) I strongly suspect I'm ND myself, low self esteem is part of it so I wonder if this could also be part of the issue here. Either way let him go, for your own sake

He doesn’t want to see you more often than once a month and doesn’t want to be called your boyfriend anymore. It’s time to let him go.

You friend is telling you that he is not your partner. What more do you need to know?

Did you not ask him what he meant when he said you were just friends? Like 'what do you mean Jim? Are you breaking up with me'? Seems if he can't be bothered going the measly 12 miles you aren't that important to him. Maybe time you broke up with him, even if just in your head as he seems to have done it in his.

He cannot make the effort to drive to see you.

His actions speak louder than his words.

End this today

"Another reason I think he has zoned out of our “relationship”.
When I say to him he’s my partner, boyfriend, he looks at me weirdly and says “we are just friends”
this is so confusing as he always sends me “love you” nighttime messages. It’s extremely confusing and it’s messing with my head."

You sound like you keep trying to live in and push this false narrative on him and perhaps his family that you two are in a relationship fully knowing that you two have never been. You are confusing your own self.

I'm not sure if you truly do not understand everything pertaining to this situation, or committed to living in this disillusionment.

No one has to be in a romantic relationship to express feelings of fondness and love. No one has to be in a relationship to enjoy each other's company.

His family may know you as a girl who's a friend. Perhaps he was confused when he allegedly asked you to be his girlfriend, perhaps he meant a girl who's a friend, perhaps you were confused, failed to ask questions so he thought you mutually agreed to be friends, perhaps it is you who twisted the context of his words to mean something else, etc...

You have used quotations around such words as relationship, and couple.... perhaps this is admission that you are fully aware of a friendship dynamic all along.

If you are fully aware and are in denial or trying to victimize yourself....it may appear to him and others that you intentionally are targeting him and his family hoping to gain something.

Perhaps he feels like you're unstable and have been put off by how you view yourself as in a relationship with him...and has been putting space between you and him which may be why he won't visit or set up one for you to... perhaps it really is the lack of finances..and maybe things happening in his life.

Perhaps he enjoys you as a friend and trying to create boundaries now.

If you are a more functionally capable person than he may be, why have you chosen a person whom you may never be compatible with for a potential future together??

Anyways, regardless...I think it would be best for you to leave him alone.

Your alleged feelings aren't reciprocated.
It will be weird and awkward between you two now.

Perhaps therapy would be beneficial for you before returning to the dating scene.
Find someone you're compatible with, and who reciprocates your feelings.