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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner shuts me out of his personal life

55 replies

AzureRobin · 02/11/2024 08:27

Long term relationship of three years has always been dictated by partner's demands otherwise he goes silent and walks away for long periods of time. We don't live together.

The issue is that he does not want me to be involved in his daughter's life, he sees her twice a week. I allow him to be involved in my children's lives in terms of him coming to the house when they're here and just want the same in return. There is no issue with his ex not allowing this contact with me, it is purely that he does not want to share father-daughter time even to allow a movie night with his child and mine. He will not budge on this and would rather lose me than back down and treat me as a proper partner.

Am I right in thinking I have to walk away?

OP posts:
ImNoSuperman · 02/11/2024 08:30

He only sees his daughter twice a week, why shouldn't he give her that time exclusively to herself? Walk away if you don't like it. Imo he's a better dad to his daughter by not having you around when she's there.

Marblesbackagain · 02/11/2024 08:32

I always kept my children separate to my partner, why isn't that acceptable? I completely agree with his approach.

If more parents did this there would be a lot less fucked up kids.

Stillsorrynotsorry · 02/11/2024 08:36

Yes it sounds like he’s putting her first and enjoys spending time with his daughter.

Interlaken · 02/11/2024 08:38

Yes you do.

AzureRobin · 02/11/2024 08:41

I suppose my issue is that he expects to be fully involved in my life but will not allow me to have even the smallest involvement in his. My children are growing up and asking why they don't get to see his daughter or go out together.

OP posts:
Marblesbackagain · 02/11/2024 08:52

AzureRobin · 02/11/2024 08:41

I suppose my issue is that he expects to be fully involved in my life but will not allow me to have even the smallest involvement in his. My children are growing up and asking why they don't get to see his daughter or go out together.

You are choosing to allow him access your children he has the opposite view, it's his choice.

It's his daughter's life and she has a tiny amount of time with him. Do you really think it is of benefit to her to see you play happy families with children who share his time?

Because I never understood that opinion.

I assume this isn't the first time you heard his opinion, have you been thinking I will change his mind?

Startingagainandagain · 02/11/2024 08:54

'Long term relationship of three years has always been dictated by partner's demands otherwise he goes silent and walks away for long periods of time.'

That's enough to end the relationship. This is manipulative, abusive behaviour.

Drom · 02/11/2024 08:56

What’s in this for you?

Hollietree · 02/11/2024 08:57

Startingagainandagain · 02/11/2024 08:54

'Long term relationship of three years has always been dictated by partner's demands otherwise he goes silent and walks away for long periods of time.'

That's enough to end the relationship. This is manipulative, abusive behaviour.

Totally agree.

Keeping his child away from a new partner = 100% an acceptable decision

Being controlling and using silent treatment = not at all acceptable and I would end the relationship because of this.

Octonaut4Life · 02/11/2024 09:01

His decisions regarding his child are completely reasonable, the issue is that he is using silent treatment to control you and you're allowing him to walk away and then just walk back. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

BilboBlaggin · 02/11/2024 09:06

What the previous two posters said. It's fine him keeping his father/DD time to themselves as it's only two days a week. I'm with him on that.

Using the silent treatment is not acceptable. However, if he's tried explaining this to you over and over, and you're not accepting his decision, then I could possibly understand him having enough and just refusing to engage now.

smallsilvercloud · 02/11/2024 09:08

You are long term dating rather than a partnership, I can see from your point of view, it doesn't seem fair and balanced, you've trusted him into your lives with your family but he keeps you arms length, it's been 3 years! also selfish giving you cold treatment when he's not happy about something. Do what feels best for you, if the relationship no longer makes you happy it's a waste of time.

ComingBackHome · 02/11/2024 09:14

Big issue is the silent treatment and him always wanting things his way.
Thats a huge No-No

Seeing his dd on his own…. It depends what you are aiming for with the relationship.
If what you want is to live together, then it’s clearly not going to happen.
If you’re happy with being together but still having 2 houses, then I think it’s fair enough. BUT you’re not going to spend a lot of time together and I’m getting the feeling it’s not what you want.

So I’d agree with you.
Time to call it off both because of his behaviour and because you dint want the same thing out of the relationship.

category12 · 02/11/2024 09:24

Of course it's OK if he wants 1 to 1 time with his child.

But after 3 years together, it's really odd not to involve op and her kids at least once in a while and for them not to share any time at all. I think it's bizarre people are arguing it's perfectly reasonable.

SouthernComfortable · 02/11/2024 09:31

Does it mean that he and OP will never get closer? It seems the relationship is unbalanced and will be kept as such.

pecanroll · 02/11/2024 09:32

You walk away because he sulks and that means his lack of communication means the relationship won't succeed.

The daughter thing is his decision, it sounds like you want to blend but he's wanting to keep his daughter and relationship separate, that's his prerogative, if that doesn't work for you, that's your second reason for leaving.

HearMePlough · 02/11/2024 09:32

Marblesbackagain · 02/11/2024 08:32

I always kept my children separate to my partner, why isn't that acceptable? I completely agree with his approach.

If more parents did this there would be a lot less fucked up kids.

Forever? Like, absolutely never merge two families together at all?

Edingril · 02/11/2024 09:36

So you walk,away but your children already know him so are you going to move on to someone else they have to have to get to know?

Why do you need to involve yourself on this?

HearMePlough · 02/11/2024 09:36

Sorry, but after 3 years with a person part of making a commitment is allowing a child and partner to get to know each other. The impact that will have on the rest of your lives is huge: holidays away/celebrations/life events. Is the idea that you and his daughter are just to live lives in parallel as strangers???

Sure - dad & daughter time is nice to retain, but it is absolute lunacy to suggest they will never, ever hang out together as a family because that is the presumed goal of a relationship.

All that aside: the moodiness won't get better.

It's time to end it OP.

TheFlis · 02/11/2024 09:38

You are focusing on the wrong thing here. You should be walking away because of his controlling and abusive behaviour, not because he won’t let you hang out with his daughter.

JFDIYOLO · 02/11/2024 09:42

You have most of your children's time.

He has very little time with his.

You choose to include him in their lives, otherwise you wouldn't spend much time together.

He chooses to keep his small time with his daughter focussed on her.

And not introducing a partner to a young child may well be wise.

That's his firm decision about his relationship with her.

All this is fine.

It may be her mother is using their child to control him - finding ways to imply that if you become involved she'll see to it he'll see less less of her. This happened to a relative.

In which case he's coping and compromising to keep some relationship with his own child.

Maybe his behaviour stems from fear of what she might do.

But.

His reaction to you expressing your feelings about it all is NOT.

The walkaway, silent treatment? Are you walking on eggshells around him? Does he do this at other times, for other reasons?

That's out of the coercive controllers handbook.

And it's a forecast of how things may get worse later on.

Crucial question: Are you sure this is what you're happy for your children, male or female, to be observing?

Watching how a relationship happens, as in learning that this is how men treat women?

ComingBackHome · 02/11/2024 09:42

Marblesbackagain · 02/11/2024 08:32

I always kept my children separate to my partner, why isn't that acceptable? I completely agree with his approach.

If more parents did this there would be a lot less fucked up kids.

It’s only acceptable if you want a boyfriend on the side, not a partner.
There is nothing wrong with that.

But it’s utterly wrong to
1- not tell the man you see they’re just a bf and not a partner
2- expect that you’ll be fully integrated in your partner’s life - because then you can see them more. On YOUR terms. (Which also send the signal that your aim is a later ship, muddling the waters even more)

Im not commenting about the idea that it’s the best thing for children simply because things are so variable from one family to the next that it’s impossible to make generalisations like this. Only on MN are women expected to stay ‘celibate with sex on the side’ whilst men can happily rebuild their life.

THisbackwithavengeance · 02/11/2024 09:50

Why do you let him have contact with your kids if you don't have contact with his?

So basically he's good enough to be in your DC's lives but you're not good enough to know his kids?

Just no. Fuck that.

Loving the answers from the First Wives Club.

If you were in a non serious or new relationship then fair enough but this is double standards.

healthybychristmas · 02/11/2024 10:15

The way he deals with arguments would be enough for me to end it with him. His expectation that he can be part of your children's life but deny you the same is really bad. However in his position if I only saw my child twice a week I wouldn't want to share her with anyone least of all have her aware that I was spending more time with other children done with her.

nomorehocuspocus · 02/11/2024 10:22

He's keeping you at arm's length so he can pick you up and put you down when it is convenient for him. He doesn't consider the relationship as you being two halves of a whole, and isn't committing himself at all.

I do agree that he should prioritise his dc, but he has built a brick wall between your family and his, and I don't think that will ever change.