Partner shuts me out of his personal life

[AzureRobin]

Long term relationship of three years has always been dictated by partner's demands otherwise he goes silent and walks away for long periods of time. We don't live together.

The issue is that he does not want me to be involved in his daughter's life, he sees her twice a week. I allow him to be involved in my children's lives in terms of him coming to the house when they're here and just want the same in return. There is no issue with his ex not allowing this contact with me, it is purely that he does not want to share father-daughter time even to allow a movie night with his child and mine. He will not budge on this and would rather lose me than back down and treat me as a proper partner.

Am I right in thinking I have to walk away?

I have the impression that his integration into your family life was more his choice than yours.
So he's plonked himself firmly into your family, when he wants to, but keeps his own family life behind the barricades?
And sulks when things displease him?
Don't inflict this man on your children, they deserve a home life without his toxic presence.

I've allowed him into my children's lives because the alternative would be after bedtime visits 8.30 pm onwards only. By this I mean he comes to the house, not that he is doing things in particular with them or acting as any kind of father figure. I also believed his reasoning over the years that "when I have more time with her, you can be involved and we can go out as a family". I have held off arranging events or days out with him and my children because of waiting for him to be ready to involve his daughter.

This has never happened and my children are now questioning why we don't do things together.

Yes you are right that his integration into my family home life was his choice, he has no issues with coming here and hanging around my home while my children are in. I tried in the past to have a rule that he wasn't around my house when children were here/awake in view of me not being around his daughter but that meant we barely saw each other. And I believed that things would change but the goal posts have kept moving. I don't want to monopolise his time, just a movie night together or going out for tea every few weeks as a family unit before going back to our homes alone with our own kids. The majority of his child time would be spent alone with his daughter, I just want to feel we are involved. It isn't early days, it has been three years.

Challenging this leads to silent treatment/him ending it then getting in touch again and promising to change.

I think you were right to hold off full involvement of your DC's with him. It's a shame you introduced them at all really. You've developed an imbalance. When this relationship ends - likely as there has been no development in 3 years - it's your DC's that get exposed to potentially missing him and feeling a loss. The less you involve him in their lives the better.
In general it looks like your relationship has been in a 3 year holding pattern, with no future plans of change.
How many more years are you going to put up with it, and why do you put up with his sulking if he doesn't get his way? What kind of demands have prompted his sulking episodes? It would be helpful to know more on that?

Challenging this leads to silent treatment/him ending it then getting in touch again and promising to change.

This is the important issue, forget about the kids thing. It means that he has to have his own way all the time, otherwise he'll punish you with the silent treatment/pretending to end things. It's abusive and the relationship needs to end for this reason alone.

It means you're never allowed a difference of opinion and you're never allowed to compromise on decisions or, god forbid, have your own way on anything. Everything is always on his terms and always will be. Do you really want to carry on in this toxic cycle forever? Because it won't change!

The first line of your post indicates you should dump him. Nothing to do with his dd. Just that he is a twat..
And his behaviour is actually abusive you just can't /choose not to see it. .

How old is she?

The demands that have lead to the sulking/ignoring sessions are me telling him I want things more balanced. Not entirely balanced because I'm aware I have my children far more than he has his but more in keeping to the amount of time we have been together.

After him not allowing me around his child , I've recently cancelled him coming round to my home and explained that it is because I don't want him here around my children if it isn't reciprocated. I don't want much of their daddy-daughter time, just for us to join them on an outing they would be doing anyway such as going out for tea.

I've kept to my word on this for the last few months and only had him over when my kids aren't here or are in bed fully asleep. He resents this and says things have changed citing our sex life being less frequent because we see each other less. After I've again refused to back down, I'm subject to the silent treatment after being told I am unreasonable.

The children involved are aged between 7 and 9

Is not about the time with his daughter is about is always his way or nothing. I would choose nothing, he is not that great.

So basically he is admitting it's about the sex for him. Time to bow out op.

He says not. But you're right in that for us to have a relationship, I have to do what he wants in terms of the day to day running of the relationship. It is unequal and I feel as if I have no say. The silent treatment is hugely triggering and causes me extreme anxiety.

I've kept to my word on this for the last few months and only had him over when my kids aren't here or are in bed fully asleep. He resents this and says things have changed citing our sex life being less frequent

He isn’t interested in you as a partner. That’s why he doesn’t want you to meet his dd. Why he doesn’t want to start blending his family with yours.
What he is interested in is sex. That’s what he wants you for.
And poor little lamb is ready to give you the silent treatment etc… over it. Not about your relationship is going, what you want to build together. But because he doesn’t get enough sex….

Ok look OP choosing to blend families is a very difficult decision. It needs to be well timed.

However what is really off here is the relationship. He sounds manipulative with the silent treatment and very selfish in terms of it all being his way. And honestly him talking about less sex as an issue makes me shudder.

What is it that works about this relationship? What does he bring to it? What do you love about him?

The first sentence of the OP is enough. It’s a bad relationship because he’s a bad person, and you’d be wise to end it right now. The issue with the children is secondary, and would only be significant if the relationship was otherwise good.

"when I have more time with her, you can be involved and we can go out as a family".

What has he actually done about seeing his child more in the three years you've been seeing him?

As pps have said, how he deals with conflict between you is very unhealthy. The silent treatment is an emotionally abusive behaviour.

Why are you with this horrible man? As soon as you state your wants and needs he gives you the silent treatment so you're walking on eggshells. Now you've set some boundaries around your children he's moaning about the lack of sex. He does not care about you, just himself.

Why would I put my children at the disadvantage. When adults then fine 🤷‍♀️

He is a partner and has been fo nthe last 8 years. We both have seen too many families fuck up the so called bleeding. And we both prioritise our children.

It is up to us how we classify our relationship not the general public. Perhaps if more were like us then less children would be fucked up?

I think there's a huge middle ground between having zero contact between families and blending them, tho.

I mean, I have friends who have families and sometimes we will all do something as a group. Op isn't asking for much different to that.

After 3 years, the families being in each other's company occasionally and having some shared experiences would just be a nice thing.

Otherwise your best loved people end up strangers to one another, which would be awkward at your funeral 😂

Long term relationship of three years has always been dictated by partner's demands otherwise he goes silent and walks away for long periods of time.

He's controlling and the silent treatment is emotional abuse. He's trained you not to challenge him and withdrawal is a power move. You need to leave.

I don't see the humour in the funeral suggestion, it's quite cruel actually.

My partner and my children know of each other. What they don't have is the typical disastrous impacts that adult relationships tend to bring to the innocent children, it is hardly rocket science!

When my children are adults it will be up them to decide their relationship. We both have a similar background.

Both of our late mothers kept their subsequent relationship separate. We both benefitted from it and both agree our children and their stability comes first in however we navigate life. I really can not understand bringing any man or woman into a child's life in a semi parental role.

Sorry.

But again, surely there's a middle ground between never spending any time together as families and full-on blending with the potential for disaster?

It doesn't have to be one or the other.

I have a LAT relationship and it is very compartmentalised, but my boyfriend and my kids have met. There's never any intention of he and I living together, (probably even after the kids have left home).

I just think it's odd not to have any overlap at all.

I agree

Well as I said I nor my partner care what the general public consider unusual. Odd is a derogatory term!

Given we both grew up in separate counties in the same circumstances as we are now I would conclude it is a reasonable common practice.