I think my marriage is over

[Autumnleavesarefallingtotheground]

Two tiny children, and I did something a bit thoughtless (but well meaning) husband is furious and is barely speaking to me, the atmosphere is awful, he won’t help out, he left me to it alone last night with one child after the other waking up as both off colour so feel like a zombie this morning.

It feels so shit. We own a house together, we also have a property which used to be mine alone but we remortgaged together and is let out. And another rental property on top which is mine. I think I will just ask for the rental properties, this seems reasonable. If I sell both, I can buy a small house outright and not have to worry about a mortgage. I just feel so, so sorry for our children.

What did you do?

I offered to take in a pet for a friend for a few weeks - it was thoughtless and I’m not going to say otherwise. But it is done now.

He’s refusing to speak to you for offering to mind a pet? That’s pathetic. You are better of without him

Think we need more context
Is it a snake and he's deathly terrified of them or something along those lines ?
How does the pet impact on him ?
This can't be the only issue in your marriage

No it isn’t but it’s exposed it I suppose. So no not a snake it’s only a cat but he hates cats so I shouldn’t have offered, just got a bit carried away. And it isn’t so much the cat it’s the reaction.

You are making plans to end your marriage over this? Seems a bit strange .....

It will likely blow over - I am guessing there must be other things wrong too.

Get legal advice before you agree to anything.
He sounds abusive.
Women's aid is there for support for emotional abuse.
He punishes you by ignoring his small children?
Abusive, and controlling.
Tell family and friends.
You need support.
If this is how he treats you generally, it is better your marriage is over.

Was everything fine before this? Or is there a back story?

No "we" don't. What kind of man turns his back on 2 tiny children to punish his wife because of someone's pet?

@Mischance the atmosphere here is awful.

It isn’t so much the pet as the fact it’s highlighted to me something that’s come in and out of focus during the time we’ve been married, which is that I’m barely tolerated. I’m not an equal partner.

If taking in a cat short term without checking has caused you (both) to feel this awful, then at some point there will be something else that leaves you feeling this way. To an observer it’s either:

you made a mistake, he has massively overreacted and is punishing you which is really unhealthy and controlling. Marriage probably over, he is too unpleasant to stay with.

you made a mistake. He’s grumpy and sulking and you have massively overreacted by imagining him being so furious that you cannot bear the idea of living with him any more. You need to get some help to understand why you are feeling this way but marriage not over. This can happen eg if you had a certain type of upbringing where displeasing a parent caused a very bad reaction from parent, you end up very anxious whenever someone is annoyed with you later on. Two tiny kids, any pnd?

He can be annoyed..but he can't take it out on the kids. His reaction is despicable imo..leaving two poorly kiddies giving them the cold shoulder because he is annoyed at their mum.

I would divorce too but if he is this reactive over a cat, just be prepared for him to get nasty X

@AnellaA it is probably halfway between the two. But honestly I don’t want to live like this.

He sounds like a bit of a bastard, to be honest - refusing to parent because he’s annoyed with you makes him sound mean and spiteful.

Don't tell him yet. See a solicitor. It sounds like your joint life might be tricky to navigate.

And you shouldnt have to live like this @Autumnleavesarefallingtotheground
Ive been married for 32 years, I have never been made to feel that way.
He is awful.

I’d be glad to get rid of him if that’s his reaction over something so minimal. I’d dread to hear his reaction to anything serious.

If he is as bad as this over a cat, then yes the marriage is over. He is controlling you with his bad mood and this is abuse. Silent treatment counts as coercive control.

OP it is good that you have assets to your name. Is your employment secure? And do you have RL support in place? You will need all those things moving forwards.

He sounds like my dad - in which case, you will be INFINITELY happier without someone who gives you the silent treatment over something like this - and your children will grow up and suddenly clock why the divorce happened when they're teenagers and their dad is an utter bastard to them too. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a much happier 2025 for you

I can’t actually afford to see a solicitor yet, I’ll have to talk to him tonight and see what he wants going forwards. Really not relishing the thought of that conversation.

@BadgersOfHonour of course 'we' needed more context
The op has come on an open forum for advice
'We' can't give advice without any context
What if the situation had been one person is absolutely terrified of dogs after being mauled as a child and the other person brings home a pitbull
Or , as I said. There is most likely more to this than just the pet .

I thought you were going to say he caught you sexting your boss! Not offering to mind a cat! I can’t have a cat in the house (allergies) but if my partner offered out of kindness, and then apologised to me, that would be the end of the issue.
This is a stick to beat you with, it’s absolutely vile, having you think you have done something wrong, to be treated this way.
You have said you aren’t valued and aren’t treated like an equal.
Luckily for you, financially you are more than an equal. Get your housing sorted, get a lovely home for you and your DC, and enjoy the freedom of breathing in your own home.

Ok I can see him being pissed off over the cat and maybe it causing an argument but to end a marriage ???

The initial legal advice can be free.

@TwistedWonder it isn’t so much the cat as the realisation that I’m not really wanted, respected or needed as a person in my own right.

He has been away since Monday with work which I do get is not a picnic. But I’m home with two young children. Before he got back I tidied and cleaned but there was something I missed at the bottom of the stairs, he starts saying there is ‘shit all over the floor’. I was really puzzled, no idea what he meant, cleaned it up but it’s that sort of thing I suppose, he said that because he was pissed off re the cat.