I think my marriage is over

[Autumnleavesarefallingtotheground]

Two tiny children, and I did something a bit thoughtless (but well meaning) husband is furious and is barely speaking to me, the atmosphere is awful, he won’t help out, he left me to it alone last night with one child after the other waking up as both off colour so feel like a zombie this morning.

It feels so shit. We own a house together, we also have a property which used to be mine alone but we remortgaged together and is let out. And another rental property on top which is mine. I think I will just ask for the rental properties, this seems reasonable. If I sell both, I can buy a small house outright and not have to worry about a mortgage. I just feel so, so sorry for our children.

Yeah that sounds miserable op, I think you are making the right decision. I'm sorry it has come to this but sounds like you and therefore the children will be happier out of it.

You have 3 children.

Nothing worse than a sulking man baby.

Can he disagree with you? - sure!
Can he be upset? - sure!

Is it ok to 'punish' you with silent treatment? - Absolutely fucking not. It's abusive.

@Autumnleavesarefallingtotheground most solicitors will give you a free mini appointment and I think it’s worth doing that before discussing too much with DH.

definitely don’t discuss it agree to any financial decisions until you have spoken to a professional.

I believe payment plans are possible so please please ring them today.

It sounds like he's resentful. IMO, He thinks he'd out working and your sitting on your arse eating bonbons all day. He doesn't value what your doing. He also feels able to choose not to parent and punish you by opting out because he cries the kids as your job. He's helping you by parenting his own kids.

From another perspective my H would hate if I offered to let sit a cat. He hates cats and they make him itch. He'd feel that he wasn't considered at all in my decision making and that would piss him off. That however doesn't justify how he's treating you or the kids.

He sounds absolutely miserable. I think you’re making the right decision in ending it but definitely speak to a solicitor first. Don’t make assumptions just start contacting them and let them know your situation.

Please do this. Your husband sounds so cruel and wants you gone I think.

I think I would be thankful to come to the realisation that my marriage is over. This is not the kind of atmosphere that grows happy thriving children.
You sound intimidated and ground down. Start by emotionally separating yourself from your husband, then call Women’s Aid for advice and get yourself sorted, one step at a time.
You made a bad choice with this man, but in this day and age, you can change that. I did it over 40 years ago with three children, two suitcases and £40 I had saved up, you can do it too.

Absolutely this!
Total bastard. It's actual LTB territory, I can't imagine how poorly your children will be treated when they're old enough to realise they're being ignored.

Ducks in a row

LTB. See a solicitor urgently about your assets.

I think you’re making the right decision in splitting up. In the long run it’ll be better for your children as well as yourself. He sounds horrible and your feelings that you’re not an equal partner will only get worse not better. Personally I’d try and see a solicitor (the free half hour if you can get) before speaking to him. Knowledge is power.

This!
And don't be a martyr when it comes to splitting the assets if you do divorce. Many of the assets belonged to you in the first place. If he's ignoring the children now, there's a risk that he won't be very involved post divorce, or pay a fair maintenance allowance for the children.
You will need as much money as possible if you end up with the financial responsibility for the children. Don't underestimate the peace of mind you will have, having some financial security behind you as a single parent.

Move to.one of the rental.properties first (the one with most profit) for a while so it's your main residence and not liable to capital gains tax

My goodness what a nasty, abusive man he is.
Yes you need to seperate.
You've had some good advice from pp.
I hope it helps you free yourself OP. A much better life awaits you.

Your marriage is probably relatively short as DC's are young, and it sounds like you came into the marriage with a lot of assets, so you could could come out of this marriage with more than you think.
If he often works away, there's no way he could do 50/50, so he will have to pay you cms which could be a decent amount if he earns well. More likely to be EOW, or even less for a time if still breastfeeding.
Then there's pension to consider. Are you a SAHM at the moment or on mat leave still? Why do you have no money of your own, is he financially abusive too?

I can’t actually afford to see a solicitor yet, I’ll have to talk to him tonight and see what he wants going forwards. Really not relishing the thought of that conversation.

Please, please do not have it enter into a conversation about this until you have spoken to a solicitor. If he’s like this now, imagine him when you tell him it’s over. Some men look for an excuse/ permission to be vile and divorce is one of them.

I’m sure there’s a lot going on but if I hated cats I’d also be really pissed off if my husband offered to take a friend’s car for a few weeks. What did you expect?

You also can't just take the houses.

You own every thing equally.

I agree get legal advice ASAP.

Just trying to think of what is fair and also doesn’t leave me in a position that is too precarious.

I completely agree I shouldn’t have got the cat, although it’s only for a few weeks, but it goes beyond that. He isn’t abusive. He’s actually a nice person as am I. But somehow we bring out the very worst in one another.

WTF am I reading? I'm sorry OP but he is highly abusive you just can't see the wood for the trees.
Get rid and take everything you can get from the marriage legally. I can assure you he won't give a damn about your finances once you leave and you will need every penny.

It's just a cat, OP.

I'm going to say that again.

It's just a cat. No one died, you didn't ruin something forever. It's just a cat, for a few short weeks.

His reaction is out of all proportion, and the fact that you seem to feel that it's somehow reasonable suggests that you've had your understanding of what's normal and what's not thrown out of kilter.

He is abusive. This is what emotional abuse looks like. And I bet if you describe more things in your relationship, you'll find more examples of it.

How did you feel when he was away, and how did you feel about him coming home again?

BTW it doesn't matter what he wants to do with the relationship after this.

What do YOU want to do?

Get legal advice before you talk to him about splitting and for gods sake don't make offers about how to divide up assets before you have had proper advice.

You can't afford not to.

You can’t “bring out the worst” in a nice person. Not the way you are describing him. A nice person would have the mental and moral strength to sit you down and plan how to end the marriage kindly and thoughtfully, protecting the children.

Is he worried about being fair to you or his children?

Per PPs- please get legal advice before raising anything with him.