Is this part of the script???

[Mensuckbigtime]

Hi Everyone
Posted before.
EXH (divorce had gone through two weeks ago) left two years ago, saying he was u happy, we have to DD (3 and 6)

Few months after he ended our marriage, I found out he'd been having an affair...

The OW has since moved in with him, she has regular contact with the girls (which is hard for me).

I don't badmouth him or OW in front of the girls, I don't hold back contact, I've invited him round for the children's birthdays (which was super hard for me).

At handover I usually don't really say anything to him unless it's child relates, I find it difficult to know what to say to him after what he's done.

The divorce agreement is that he has to pay me a certain amount of money for the next three years (we don't live in the UK) and that child care is now 50-50 (which means I no longer get child support, which is OK for me I just want him to now actually do half of everything)

I've since asked him to get involved with doctors appointments ans sharing the mental load. I've also told him that I won't be available to pick up the girls from school when he has to work late and that he will have to find alternatives (as I've work too)

And now he is unleashing hell on me

He no longer wants to ever see me (the girls are dropped off at the bottom of my apartment and are meant to walk up to the third floor alone),he doesn't want to speak to or communicate with me.

And it all feels like I've done something wrong and that I'm the arse hole in this.

It seems so unfair, he blamed me for his affair too and that really impacted my MH and now he's doing to again.

Is this part of the post divorce/affair script???

My friends say that it's a sign of him.being in turmoil... I don't care, I'm just hurt that he's making out to be the victim.

I wasn't particularly nice to him via WhatsApp in the months after finding out about the affair (never in front of the girls), but what did he think was going to happen when he cheated???

Sorry, this has turned into a bit of a rant

It's so unfair

Aaaahh
Anyone been there? Anyone whose been blamed?

How do yoh deal with it? It don't want it to affect me anymore.

Thanks so much for reading!!!!

I also think that now that the divorce has gone through she's gonna want some children of her own (she's 10 ,years younger than me- oh the cliché).

And he'll have to start from scratch

🤣

Increasingly I think for some it’s a calculation problem. “I am one of 2 people, therefore whatever I am prepared to do = 50%. The fact that the other half looks quite a bit bigger is Not My Problem”. Then when actually asked to do half - outrage, undermining their Terms and Conditions.

it’s really deep selfishness and I do wonder how men like this enter into relationships (or hold down jobs, but that’s another topic…)

And meanwhile he's having to do his rightful 50% of the grunt work of parenting while you’re over him and enjoying dating younger blokes when he’s got the kids.

No wonder he’s pissed off…good for you 🤣

I keep wondering what world he lives in if he thinks he can pick and choose and that I'd be dumb enough to let him take the piss anymore after he's had an affair

"Yeah, I fucked you over and broke your heart and I'm no.longer paying child maintenance, but you need to.pick uo thr kids every other Friday because I have to work until 4pm"

WTF??!!!

He's incredibly naive

OP can you try to compartmentalise? The man you loved and had your lovely girls with no longer exists. It’s really sad but you still can remember the good times.

This angry unhappy cheating man is a different person. It doesn’t matter what he thinks, and incidentally this anger suggests he hasn’t moved on as much as he would like people to think.

He will calm down in time. Part of him will know that you haven’t done anything unreasonable. He’s just irritated because he feels you letting go. You’re moving on. You are having fun. You don’t go out of your way to make his life easy any more. Men always think they can come back one day if they like. When that option looks less likely they don’t like it. Even if they’ve moved on. He knows your life is getting easier. You’re getting more freedom. And he’s trapped. Try to take comfort from all of that.

💐

Bless you 🙏

Cut and paste all emails in a Word doc in date order.

I used to do that with difficult clients!

It was just time op, and, when the penny dropped for me, oh, it was wonderful. The shift of power was palpable.

I'm getting there.
The more I understand the mechanis behind his antics, the easier it gets.

But it still makes me sad that we've come to this place. But hey hi, such is life

You need to correspond with him, the same way you would an awkward person at work. Professional, polite, to the point and emotionless.

The suggestion of copying emails to a word document is excellent. Ensure the date and time is included. Great evidence if needed for court at a later date.

He was under the impression you would still be the default parent. You're not, your equal halves. You sort out stuff on your days, him on his....and that's the part he doesn't like.

I think the more you realise that this anger towards you isn’t because of anything you’ve done and is because his life is getting harder, and he’s losing control of you, the easier it will get for you to not care.

Up until 2 weeks ago you weren’t divorced. He still thought you were there as a back up. He knew you didn’t want to break up. In part of his mind he could come home to you and his family at any time he wanted.

OW was likely not making many demands on him, just in case he changed his mind. But now things are different. She can say ‘Your ex divorced you now. We can move on. We can get married’. Maybe even wanting to start a family. He has no excuses. He will feel trapped. And even with the security of marriage, she knows he’s capable of cheating and leaving her with a small baby.

Then there’s you. You’ve been dignified. When he thought he’d won and clawed some money back with the 50-50, you quite rightly passed over 50% responsibility. You can imagine the conversations in their house about that. Him trying to get OW to pick up the girls on those Fridays. Her saying no - but maybe when we are married and have our own DC I will. Etc.

He isn’t looking forward to having a baby again. Those sleepless nights. A tired partner. Him not being the centre of attention anymore. He managed 4 years of family life last time.

And he sees you. Getting more free time to yourself. Having fun. Dating. Seeing friends. Looking good. Laughing at his nonsense. Being happy. This is the best revenge of all. Living a full and happy life and being absolutely indifferent to anything he says and does.

Grey rock will be a great tool for you too with some emails if he starts getting unpleasant. Any long pompous ones he sends can be responsed to with ‘ok thanks for the information’. Which he may do back to you and you can smile knowing it annoyed him.

As a PP said, the power is shifting. You’re taking some of it back. He will hate it. And it’s absolutely not your fault. None of it is. This POS was having an affair when you had a new born baby at home. You did nothing wrong.

💐

There was a thread a while ago from a woman whose husband had left her for a younger woman and who now absolutely hated her (when she had done nothing wrong). I’ll see if I can find it.

Here it is:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4972951-why-is-ex-husband-angry-all-the-time-yet-he-married-ow?page=1

Wow that's insane, it's so.similar.
So maybe this is part of the script - the realisation of thr Cheater that thy didn't enter Lala Land when they decided to fuck.off

So many wise words

Thank you to all of you 😘

His banquet of consequenses has arrived.

Make sure you serve double helpings for him.

No mercy, remember the shit he served you.

Enjoy.

My situation isn't identical to yours but there are some similarities in how my ex-DH is with me.

He left when our twins were 7 months old. They are now almost 3 and he only has them once a fortnight.

He didn't have an affair partner as such but was on dating apps and actively meeting women hence the split. He's had a few girlfriends since then, nothing really stuck and now he's with someone and has been for a few months and reading between the lines it's not the happiest of relationships.

In the early days he was initially full of joy after we split, which was awful for me as my life was in tatters. Then he moved into remorse/regret stage as the divorce proceedings started. Then he started trying to be my friend.

More recently, he's offhand, rude, can barely look at me when he drops the kids off, if I message to check how the kids are when he has them I get curt one worded responses, he always looks tired, dishevelled and like the world is on his shoulders and will often be snappy.

Like you I want to say to him "you did all of this!" But I won't get into it with him. I would say the glean of "single life and dating" has well and truly worn off and he's found himself with a woman 13 years younger than him who probably wants more than he can give... and reality has set in.

Stay strong, document everything and remember what a great job you're doing as a Mum!

And enjoy dating!! X

You really are well rid of him.

Stick to your guns and do your best not to keep churning over the injustice of it all. Just remember, you are well rid of him.

Can you listen out for his car, so that you can be ready to walk your girls up the stairs with you?

I can't believe the nasty bastard would let them walk up alone. He really is a piece of work.

I think you need to treat emails like text messages. Use the subject heading for easy referencing.
ie Pickup 31/10/24

As stated previously, You have 50/50 custody. You are to collect the children from school on your days. If this is not working for you, I am happy to revisit the custodial arrangement (and appropriate CMS) in court.

I suspect there are many men who opt for a 50/50 without really thinking about what it entails. They think it means entertaining the children for 50% of the time - they don't think about anything else. They really are stupid.

Some men go for 50% just because it means no cms. The ones that get unstuck by it, are the ones who didn't appreciate and underestimated the amount of work their ex was putting into bringing up the children, they figured it can't be that hard, until they're knee deep in it. The misogynists who think it's any woman's role to look after DC's, not theirs, try to rope their new DP into taking up their slack. Some women are daft enough, but others will say, quite rightly "it's not my job, you are the parent".
Either she's bitter that he's trying to lean on her instead, or he's bitter because she's not up for it.
He thought it was a cheaper option, but it's a harder one, and instead of cms, he needs to fork out for childcare if he's unavailable during his alloted time, like most women who work have to.
If he wanted an easier life with his AP, he should of gone for EOW and stumped up the cms accordingly. I think he's realised he's taken a harder path and it will be putting a lot of pressure on his current relationship. Spitting the dummy because its not working out as he hoped.

He's not in turmoil. He's an entitled, selfish shitheel who is angry that he is expected to pull his own weight with the kids.
Stop inviting him to birthdays. He is toxic and needs to be out of your life as much as possible. If he wants birthday parties for the kids he'll have to have them himself.

I’m dealing with a similar man although no affair involved. things that help:
picking up and dropping off in public place like in car park of super market.
communicate only via email. That keeps the tone formal.
Parallel parenting. It’s impossible to effectively co parent with people like him.
Accept that while in your care you parent and are involved how you want but the same applies vice versa. Do not concern yourself with how he parents or how involved he is when they are in his care.
Focus all your energy on yourself and kids.
Remember you are no longer a team otherwise you wouldn’t be divorced.

Wow, thank you all so much.

It gives me strength to read all yiur messages to go on.

It's hard and I still have a soft spot for him as I used to love him, but also, my heart has hardened towards him.

I will show him as much empathy as he's shown me when he went off with another woman behind my back.

None!

Eventhough the OW seems to be very hands on and helps him with the girls (and also financially), he messes up all the time (no lunchbox, wrong medication, etc.)

He's useless and she's an idiot (I'm not sure I'd be so.willing to help raise children that aren't my own)

Anyway, I find it incredible how he can lie to himself so much and take no responsibility/accountability.

I am so sorry to hear thar. I can't believe he just buggered off when your twins were still babies.

Absolutely unbelievable, what a bustard

Have you managed to forgive him.for what he has done?

Im.always told that i need to forgive at some.point (not sure how i could ever forgive him)

I wonder how many women would do that?