Is this part of the script???

[Mensuckbigtime]

Hi Everyone
Posted before.
EXH (divorce had gone through two weeks ago) left two years ago, saying he was u happy, we have to DD (3 and 6)

Few months after he ended our marriage, I found out he'd been having an affair...

The OW has since moved in with him, she has regular contact with the girls (which is hard for me).

I don't badmouth him or OW in front of the girls, I don't hold back contact, I've invited him round for the children's birthdays (which was super hard for me).

At handover I usually don't really say anything to him unless it's child relates, I find it difficult to know what to say to him after what he's done.

The divorce agreement is that he has to pay me a certain amount of money for the next three years (we don't live in the UK) and that child care is now 50-50 (which means I no longer get child support, which is OK for me I just want him to now actually do half of everything)

I've since asked him to get involved with doctors appointments ans sharing the mental load. I've also told him that I won't be available to pick up the girls from school when he has to work late and that he will have to find alternatives (as I've work too)

And now he is unleashing hell on me

He no longer wants to ever see me (the girls are dropped off at the bottom of my apartment and are meant to walk up to the third floor alone),he doesn't want to speak to or communicate with me.

And it all feels like I've done something wrong and that I'm the arse hole in this.

It seems so unfair, he blamed me for his affair too and that really impacted my MH and now he's doing to again.

Is this part of the post divorce/affair script???

My friends say that it's a sign of him.being in turmoil... I don't care, I'm just hurt that he's making out to be the victim.

I wasn't particularly nice to him via WhatsApp in the months after finding out about the affair (never in front of the girls), but what did he think was going to happen when he cheated???

Sorry, this has turned into a bit of a rant

It's so unfair

Aaaahh
Anyone been there? Anyone whose been blamed?

How do yoh deal with it? It don't want it to affect me anymore.

Thanks so much for reading!!!!

I don't see why you should forgive him. I have never forgiven my ex who cheated on me, we weren't married and no kids, I just still hate her. ( we are both women)
I don't care anymore though. As a previous poster says it will happen, someday the penny just drops and you think meh as chump lady says.
And I think as a neutral observer how funny this is that his life is clearly not what he wanted. To me its obvious that's why he is angry with you. Irrational immature man baby that he is.

His behaviour has probably changed now he can see that you are meeting new men.

He wanted you to be around 24/7 so that you could pick up the girls every time he was unavailable. He offered 50/50 to avoid paying you but the reality of 50% childcare is that he is busier than he wants to be.

I imagine new woman will want children now the divorce has come through. He will no doubt encounter the same issues again - I imagine not being centre of attention & not enough sex were his problem. With 2 older girls, new partner, new baby he'll be busier than ever.

I think a lot of men with children only leave if they have someone else set up to do 'wife work' - so make sure there is food in, beds made up etc. it's quite sad really.

Fabulous advice above.

On a different note, I’m a bit concerned your friends think he’s in turmoil. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but to me that sounds dangerously close to inviting you to feel sympathy for the situation he’s in. But this is the situation he caused.

As was beautifully put up thread by @OldMaiden :

“OldMaiden · Yesterday 23:19

His banquet of consequenses has arrived.
Make sure you serve double helpings for him.
No mercy, remember the shit he served you.
Enjoy.”

Why are your friends suggesting you should somehow have empathy or sympathy for a man who’s so mean and selfish, he’s willing to leave small children in the street rather than bring them home (which is totally unacceptable)? He’s reaping what he sowed.

He's upset that you are making him fulfil his obligations. Just ignore everything he does, ensure you just concentrate on you and the children. Do not let them walk alone up to your apartment, wait for them at the entrance ... he can't tell you what to do!

The real problem is he's out of his depth doing 50%!

Amen! He so is.

I'm alone, he's got an OW who does alot and he still fucks it up a lot of the times

And yet I was the one who didn't do enough...

Oh, and care work obviously isn't work and just fun...

Hahaha

Slowly but surely, I am.loosing respect for a lot of men.

Mmmh, good point.

I do think he's in turmoil and maybe yes, that breeds sympathy to some extent...

But for me, to some extend, having sympathy also means that I feel sorry for him and that to me is a bit of a triumph.

It's shit to be the scorned ex wife, but I never ever want to swap with him and live with the guilt and the knowledge that everyone on my "side" thinks he's a shit

He knows he's fucked it up and the more he lashes out ,the more I know that he knows...

Yeah, I always meet them downstairs and take them downstairs too.

I'm the mother of his children... tough luck that he doesn't want to see me

My situation had so many similarities OP. Your ex wanted 50/50 he can have it. He's lashing out at you because of his own inadequacies and the stark realisation he actually has to do some hard yards. That's parenting. Be consistent be strong. You are already being amazing. Oh. And let him organise his own birthday parties at his own expense. 🥰

I’ve said it before and i’ll
say it again: my friends who were blind-sided ten years ago by husbands leaving for another (usually younger) woman are now enjoying life immensely with late teen or adult kids. They go out, they go on holiday, they have time and energy. Yes, they’ve borne the financial and emotional burden of doing most of the child-raising, but they’re ok with that now, and have solid relationships with their loving children to repay them.

Their exes, meanwhile, are struggling financially with new, young families , have a terrible relationship with their older kids, and are still in the throes of parenting little kids with all that that entails. Often with step-kids in the mix as well

you won, OP, simple as that. And he knows it

Thanks so much everyone

It's like an odd mixture of the feeling of triumph and sadness for how it's all gone and.how it is for the kids

But there is a sense of satisfaction that his life isn't all that great and once OW wants children, the honeymoon phase will be over

@Mensuckbigtime
I have made peace with the fact I'll probably never forgive him for what he did (there was a lot more than cheating with contributed to our marriage ending). I think I might have done if he'd have stepped up and been a decent father and attempted to co-parent but instead he swans in and out enjoying the fun side of parenting and leaving me to deal with the tough stuff.

The hardest part has been forgiving myself; forgiving myself for believing he'd be better, i shouldered a lot of guilt about not being able to give my children the "conventional family" and beat myself up about the fact there's things that my children miss out on...

I don't show him any resentment or emotion now. I just grey rock. If I ask him if he can do something to help for the kids and he says no, I just say "okay!" I don't talk about the past or show any interest in what he's doing in his life. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness but he also doesn't deserve to know that his actions bear any impact on me either. He had my kindness and empathy for many years and sh*t all over me, so he won't get that version anymore.

I found this to be an incredibly helpful watch around when people don't deserve your forgiveness..

Look after you, form a protective bubble around yourself with those who love and support you. You seem like an incredibly intelligent, switched on and loving Mum and you will do brilliantly.

Like mine, your children will get older and be able to have their own contact with their Dad (if they choose) which will slowly mean you need to have less to do with him... I'm holding out for that too! X

It’s interesting how many “friends” mention his “turmoil”… What are you supposed to get from that? Schadenfreude? It’s not really in your remit at all, is it? His emotional wellbeing is not your responsibility, except it obviously affects your children’s wellbeing. I was reading about how men “affair down” and then become resentful when they don’t want to/can’t admit to the reality that the happiness they felt entitled to was merely a mirage, and they would have been happier if they had treated their wives with the appropriate respect instead of rewriting their history, minimising their humanity and cheating on them.

So in answer to your question … yes, this is totally in the script.

dont be surprised if sometime soon he turns back into the guy you married and asks you to try again … also in the script.

Chumplady is an excellent site, here’s a thread on “why does he hate me”

https://www.chumplady.com/why-does-he-hate-me/

I say this every single time. Get a sepersted parenting app. One that includes finances for unexpected extras/clubs etc

Don't contact except via the app. Nothing can be deleted, and it can be lodged as evidence in courts I'm led to believe (it was accepted in Scotland) be courteous & calm.

Announce expenditure - put receipts up and ask for half and so on.

Expect more of this shit.
Be prepared

You're not the ah, he's guilty as fuck, and attack best form of defence. OW probably enjoyed the affair side,
Hotels, restaurants & fun and now the slog of 2 kids and normality is setting in. She'll not be so keen.

The mental load is massive &'he's used to you doing it. She's probably refused so he's raging that you have stepped back.

Typical man child. Wanted to leave you & still have you do everything.

DO NOT do it.
He wanted 50/50 he gets 50/50 down to arrangements, dentistry. Parties, clothing, play dates, presents school meetings, sports day, clubs, swimming, brownies, scouts etc

Do NOT bend.

I won't bend, I promise.

He married the wrong woman, I can be a bad Ass b and I will hold him accountable and pull him up on shit that he does.

I sometimes wobble, but I have great friends who remind me that I'm not the villain in this game

Bless you.
And I'm.sorry you're going through the same thing.

And yes, I thunk forgiveness would be possible maybe if he behaved decently now (which he doesn't just like your ex).

I wonder if him.being decent and respectful and not so hateful and blameful would maybe feel.like an admittance of guilt for what he's done.

And because admitting that he's fucked up majorly is too big and it would make LaLa Land fall to pieces, he can't go there.

So in my head, I'm expecting him to continue to be an asshole and so no, forgiveness is not in thr cards.

Thank you for your lovely words

It so so weird and so fascinating that across the millions of spouses who cheat on their partners, there does seem to be a pattern that is followed (by many)

It's awful, but also good in a way, because it gives some predictability

Does anyone have a parenting app that they could recommend

I would lean into this. He wants email contact. Fine. Make sure every email has someone else ccd to provide you with support.

Keep everything factual. Just send a list of things he needs to do, no 'hi ex, hope all is well' bullshit. Just 1. DD has doctor appt on Tues 2. Ds needs new shoes etc etc.

I did try a coparenting app but ex-DH resisted using it (because it wasn't his idea!) He pushed for email so I set up a separate email account that we would communicate through

That way I could control how often I checked the emails (and potentially let him disturb my peace!) and wouldn't lose information that he'd put in writing.

Just an idea, although I know there are some great apps out there xx