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Original poster

Is this part of the script???

72 replies

Mensuckbigtime · 31/10/2024 11:01

Hi Everyone
Posted before.
EXH (divorce had gone through two weeks ago) left two years ago, saying he was u happy, we have to DD (3 and 6)

Few months after he ended our marriage, I found out he'd been having an affair...

The OW has since moved in with him, she has regular contact with the girls (which is hard for me).

I don't badmouth him or OW in front of the girls, I don't hold back contact, I've invited him round for the children's birthdays (which was super hard for me).

At handover I usually don't really say anything to him unless it's child relates, I find it difficult to know what to say to him after what he's done.

The divorce agreement is that he has to pay me a certain amount of money for the next three years (we don't live in the UK) and that child care is now 50-50 (which means I no longer get child support, which is OK for me I just want him to now actually do half of everything)

I've since asked him to get involved with doctors appointments ans sharing the mental load. I've also told him that I won't be available to pick up the girls from school when he has to work late and that he will have to find alternatives (as I've work too)

And now he is unleashing hell on me

He no longer wants to ever see me (the girls are dropped off at the bottom of my apartment and are meant to walk up to the third floor alone),he doesn't want to speak to or communicate with me.

And it all feels like I've done something wrong and that I'm the arse hole in this.

It seems so unfair, he blamed me for his affair too and that really impacted my MH and now he's doing to again.

Is this part of the post divorce/affair script???

My friends say that it's a sign of him.being in turmoil... I don't care, I'm just hurt that he's making out to be the victim.

I wasn't particularly nice to him via WhatsApp in the months after finding out about the affair (never in front of the girls), but what did he think was going to happen when he cheated???

Sorry, this has turned into a bit of a rant

It's so unfair

Aaaahh
Anyone been there? Anyone whose been blamed?

How do yoh deal with it? It don't want it to affect me anymore.

Thanks so much for reading!!!!

OP posts:
Hoardasurass · 31/10/2024 11:16

No it's not part of the script.
The problem is he wanted and expected you to still do 100% of the mental load/wife work and pick up his slack as you did during the marriage. He assumed that his life would be able to go on completely unchanged whilst have the dc 50/50 and as a bonus not having to pay child support. Now he's realising that he will have to actually parent his children fully with no help or support from you during his 50%, which means he either has to cut his working hours, take time off when their ill and/or pay for childcare. His lovely little fantasy life bubble has just burst and he's pissed off at you for bursting it.

Also I doubt that his affair partner will be willing to do all the grunt work of raising 2 young children who aren't hers 50% of the time for very long. I'd expect that you will also be blamed when she dumps him for someone better

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 31/10/2024 11:21

Hoardasurass · 31/10/2024 11:16

No it's not part of the script.
The problem is he wanted and expected you to still do 100% of the mental load/wife work and pick up his slack as you did during the marriage. He assumed that his life would be able to go on completely unchanged whilst have the dc 50/50 and as a bonus not having to pay child support. Now he's realising that he will have to actually parent his children fully with no help or support from you during his 50%, which means he either has to cut his working hours, take time off when their ill and/or pay for childcare. His lovely little fantasy life bubble has just burst and he's pissed off at you for bursting it.

Also I doubt that his affair partner will be willing to do all the grunt work of raising 2 young children who aren't hers 50% of the time for very long. I'd expect that you will also be blamed when she dumps him for someone better

Yeah that's my feeling too.
He wants to cherry pick, have thr kids, not pay maintenance but also have me around to pick up the slack
I think he now realises what parenting actually entails and it's not as fun as he thought.

I get what he is annoyed and in a way it makes me chuckle, I just don't want his behaviour of blocking me/not wanting to see me (as if im a villain) to affect me.anymore.

Any ideas?

OP posts:
Hoardasurass · 31/10/2024 11:38

Rise above it whilst taking notes about his neglect towards your dc, things like him refusing to drop them off in a safe way, refusing to communicate about the dc etc and when you have enough evidence assuming that he doesn't reduce his contact himself (many do) take him back to crt and have his access cut. You need to concentrate on protecting your dc from a man who is happy to put them at risk because he's to selfish to put them 1st

Velvian · 31/10/2024 11:53

Your children are very young, I think either you need to walk them to his door or he meets them on the ground floor. Otherwise just ignore everything else.

I agree that he is outraged that you are not prepared to offer free labour on his 50% of the time.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 31/10/2024 12:10

Velvian · 31/10/2024 11:53

Your children are very young, I think either you need to walk them to his door or he meets them on the ground floor. Otherwise just ignore everything else.

I agree that he is outraged that you are not prepared to offer free labour on his 50% of the time.

Yeah, he's asked me not to drop them st the ground floor, but I always do!

OP posts:
stayathomer · 31/10/2024 12:15

He is in turmoil and also he doesn’t get, as most men don’t, how you were the fallback and the one that sorted everything. So he’s feeling like you’re putting everything on him and making it difficult when actually that’s the crap you had to deal with all the time. It sounds like you’re both after stepping back into the hurt that normally happens as you break up. Maybe try and have a conversation with him but if you can’t at the moment without being angry or hurt then don’t, try to keep on keeping on, you’re doing great x

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 31/10/2024 12:19

stayathomer · 31/10/2024 12:15

He is in turmoil and also he doesn’t get, as most men don’t, how you were the fallback and the one that sorted everything. So he’s feeling like you’re putting everything on him and making it difficult when actually that’s the crap you had to deal with all the time. It sounds like you’re both after stepping back into the hurt that normally happens as you break up. Maybe try and have a conversation with him but if you can’t at the moment without being angry or hurt then don’t, try to keep on keeping on, you’re doing great x

Not possible to talk, he's blocked me, doesn't want to see me doesn't want to communicate.

He's treating me like I was the one who had the affair

It's insane

OP posts:
Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 31/10/2024 12:19

And there would be no.point to talk.

OP posts:
Catoo · 31/10/2024 12:21

OP I’m glad he’s being inconvenienced and I hope it causes tensions with him and OW. I’d probably enjoy it, pretending not to be bothered or notice his anger, and ignoring unreasonable demands along the lines of expecting not to see you at drop offs.

I’d send msgs like this: ‘Hiya! Me again your favourite ex. In this update, I’m letting you know I’ll do parents evening for Jessica next week as I can’t think of a way you can attend where you won’t see me unless you keep your eyes closed the whole time 🤣! Don’t forget you’re on uniform washing duty this weekend! Bye for now!

When he drops the girls off make sure you come down to meet them. I’d give him a cheery wave too if you can. Don’t stay out of sight to fit in with his childish demands.

Can you use a coparenting app?

Catoo · 31/10/2024 12:23

Oh I see he blocked you. How ridiculous. How do you communicate at the moment?

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 31/10/2024 12:23

Catoo · 31/10/2024 12:21

OP I’m glad he’s being inconvenienced and I hope it causes tensions with him and OW. I’d probably enjoy it, pretending not to be bothered or notice his anger, and ignoring unreasonable demands along the lines of expecting not to see you at drop offs.

I’d send msgs like this: ‘Hiya! Me again your favourite ex. In this update, I’m letting you know I’ll do parents evening for Jessica next week as I can’t think of a way you can attend where you won’t see me unless you keep your eyes closed the whole time 🤣! Don’t forget you’re on uniform washing duty this weekend! Bye for now!

When he drops the girls off make sure you come down to meet them. I’d give him a cheery wave too if you can. Don’t stay out of sight to fit in with his childish demands.

Can you use a coparenting app?

Yeah I know. His reactions show me that things aren't great for him ans that he's really pissed off for whatever reason

It's so weird how love can turn into something so weird.
Sad actually

OP posts:
Phineyj · 31/10/2024 12:23

Do what you could do with a difficult work colleague. Document everything in writing, even if it all bounces back. Cover yourself.

stayathomer · 31/10/2024 12:25

Mensuckbigtime

try to go back to any of the times you were convinced actually you’re fine without him and go from there. He has to talk to you at some stage but you need to not let it take over your life (not saying you are) and just keep going and try to get some enjoyment back in there (which you might have already!) He will talk/ rant etc etc at some stage but not your problem if he’s acting like this now x

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 31/10/2024 12:25

Catoo · 31/10/2024 12:23

Oh I see he blocked you. How ridiculous. How do you communicate at the moment?

He wants me to send emails for everything which really doesn't work for me because with instant messaging you can search through all the messages which is really helpful
With emails I now have to go through everyone of them if I need a specific piece of information or something that we agreed on.

He's just using everything and anything to make my life difficult and to show me how much he despises me

OP posts:
stayathomer · 31/10/2024 12:27

Just saw the email thing. One of your email’s definitely needs to say ‘I’m really confused with how you’re acting- I didn’t have an affair? Are you ok?’ Simple as that! Maybe it’ll get him talking. Maybe he’s not getting on well with the other person and he’s overwhelmed (again not your problem but would be good if you talked

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 31/10/2024 12:28

stayathomer · 31/10/2024 12:25

Mensuckbigtime

try to go back to any of the times you were convinced actually you’re fine without him and go from there. He has to talk to you at some stage but you need to not let it take over your life (not saying you are) and just keep going and try to get some enjoyment back in there (which you might have already!) He will talk/ rant etc etc at some stage but not your problem if he’s acting like this now x

I am!
I am enjoying being a single woman in her 40s!!! I'm making up for lost time dating younger men

Woop.woop

OP posts:
Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 31/10/2024 12:29

stayathomer · 31/10/2024 12:27

Just saw the email thing. One of your email’s definitely needs to say ‘I’m really confused with how you’re acting- I didn’t have an affair? Are you ok?’ Simple as that! Maybe it’ll get him talking. Maybe he’s not getting on well with the other person and he’s overwhelmed (again not your problem but would be good if you talked

Edited

Have done

It.just bounces off on him.

He knows what he's done, I think that's the "problem"

The more he is shifting guilt towards me, the more I know he's feeling it and realising that life isn't lala land

OP posts:
ProvincialLady24 · 31/10/2024 12:30

He only wanted 50/50 so that he didn't have to pay you. He didn't actually want to look after his children.

HonestPayforHonestWork · 31/10/2024 12:30

He’s a man-child.

Tapthisscreen · 31/10/2024 12:31

He’s changing the narrative. Being pissed off with you alleviates his feelings of guilt. You’ve done nothing wrong and you have to stop thinking you have. He’s behaving like this because of his failings not yours.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/10/2024 12:31

The best thing you can do for yourself op is to detach emotionally from him.

Should be easy shouldn't it seeing as the reality is he's a colossal bellend. If you don't think he's a colossal bellend then that's because you've created a fantasy of him that isn't him.

This is the time to be very very clear and very very unemotional in your expectations and dealings with him.

If you have them 50/50 then of course it is absolutely fair to, well, have them 50/50. How wouldn't it be.

I am now so emotionally detached from my ex our disagreements have become wonderful fun of me being super calm and laughing at the nonsense I used to fall for.

I remember the first time he suggested picking them up from my house on his way home from work on his day.
'School finishes at 3.20. All the info about timings and closures etc is available on their website. I am no longer involved with what happens on a Tuesday.'

Snorlaxo · 31/10/2024 12:33

He’s getting a reality check.

Divorcing you was supposed to make him happy because in his mind, you were the barrier to that.

He probably thought that he was a great dad and 50/50 would be very similar to the parenting that he used to do. Men like him will think that you did very little and he did lots so the reality will be eye opening for him.

Obviously the source of his unhappiness is more complex and it won’t have occurred to him that he has caused some of his feelings.

His relationship with OW will also be changed. He can’t be as spontaneous as before since he’s a parent and his free time is scheduled 🤷‍♀️

Catoo · 31/10/2024 12:40

Mensuckbigtime · 31/10/2024 12:25

He wants me to send emails for everything which really doesn't work for me because with instant messaging you can search through all the messages which is really helpful
With emails I now have to go through everyone of them if I need a specific piece of information or something that we agreed on.

He's just using everything and anything to make my life difficult and to show me how much he despises me

Show quote history

OP he’s being a prick.
He’ll calm down in time because it’s inconvenient for him. Enjoy the fact you’ve irritated him. Small wins.

Most email systems allow you to search on key terms etc so look into that. You can migrate all emails into Outlook which has a good search function. Also you can create folders in your email inbox to file all his in by topic etc.

I would honestly have fun making all my emails cheery with smilies including in the subject lines.

Or get him to shift it all to an app.

‘Hiya!! Happy Friday!! Good to see you before. Did you see me waving? 🤣 How do you feel about getting all our parenting admin onto an app and then we don’t have to search through emails and it’s all in one place? I know you’ll probably be grumpy because I’m suggesting it (🤣) but might save us both some time?

Here’s a link to download it. We can message, it has a calendar, can upload photos and documents etc.

Let me know what you think.
Bye for now! 👋

BetterWithPockets · 31/10/2024 12:47

ProvincialLady24 · 31/10/2024 12:30

He only wanted 50/50 so that he didn't have to pay you. He didn't actually want to look after his children.

This…

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 31/10/2024 12:48

arethereanyleftatall · 31/10/2024 12:31

The best thing you can do for yourself op is to detach emotionally from him.

Should be easy shouldn't it seeing as the reality is he's a colossal bellend. If you don't think he's a colossal bellend then that's because you've created a fantasy of him that isn't him.

This is the time to be very very clear and very very unemotional in your expectations and dealings with him.

If you have them 50/50 then of course it is absolutely fair to, well, have them 50/50. How wouldn't it be.

I am now so emotionally detached from my ex our disagreements have become wonderful fun of me being super calm and laughing at the nonsense I used to fall for.

I remember the first time he suggested picking them up from my house on his way home from work on his day.
'School finishes at 3.20. All the info about timings and closures etc is available on their website. I am no longer involved with what happens on a Tuesday.'

How did you get to that place?
I know why he's doing it, I just don't want it to affect me anymore.

I keep telling myself "don't take the bait, don't take the bait", but it's hard.

I really used to love that man and it's so hard for to reconcile the man I knew ans the man he's become.

Please tell me what helped you?

And I am much better, if I thunk.back at how devastated I was when he first ended our marriage... it really scares me.

How do I block him.off?(metaphorically speaking)

OP posts: