Am I asking too much from DH?

[Amiaskingtoomuch]

My husband and I have been together for five years, married for two.

Every argument we have centers on me feeling he doesn’t make enough of an effort, especially around special occasions. I’ve repeatedly asked for at least a card on birthdays, Christmas, and anniversaries, but he dismisses this as childish and unnecessary.

For our first anniversary, I planned everything—a card, gift, and a special dinner on holiday. He brought nothing, saying he thought he might find a card at the airport. When I asked why he didn’t just buy one beforehand, he got annoyed, insisting “it’s just a card.”

When we made plans for celebrating our anniversary this year he asked me what I would like and I asked for a specific gift, he asked me where he could get it and I gave him a list of options. Our anniversary has just passed and of course I received nothing, I reminded him of the discussion a few months ago and asked him why he didn’t buy it, again he dismissed it, saying he “puts food in my mouth, so he doesn’t need to buy me presents.” There was also a similar attitude on my birthday.

I should add, we have moved to the UK for his job which earns quite good money (I never wanted to live in the UK) and in the last few months I have quit my job to retrain for a career that better suits our future plans, so he is currently the sole earner.

Am I wrong to feel that his attitude is hurtful? Or because he does put the food on the table is it wrong for me to also expect occasional romance and gifts?

I would appreciate any advice given.

I don't think he's suddenly going to become a gift giving, anniversary and special occasions celebrating husband. He's made it quite clear he's not someone who does this and you're going to have to accept it. Forcing him to buy you cards and presents isn't working. Look at all the other ways he shows he loves you instead.

I sort of agree with this, some people are like this and some people aren’t, I do think though it wouldn’t kill him to at least make sure he gets you a card.

My husband doesn’t really care about cards, but he knows I love cards and I keep them in a memory box so he always makes sure he gets me one for occasions.

So you think forcing him to do something makes it better for you?

He's clearly not going to change. I would match his energy and don't do or lab anything for him. But do plan treats for yourself on your birthday etc. book a spa or arrange a night out with friends.

I'm assuming he's good in other ways or you wouldn't have married him. Focus on his positives and accept this isn't something he's going to do. But make sure you still feel special on your days.

I totally understand, I think I’m struggling to find anything redeeming at the minute. But that is probably because I’m upset 😂

*plan anything

Hmm are you sure it’s just because you’re upset?!

Because if my husband basically told me to put up and shut up because he ‘puts food in my mouth’ he’d be out the door. How fucking dare he.

I would think seriously before having a child with a man who seems so utterly lacking in respect for you as a person. And while you’re living in a country you don’t want to be in, because he clearly sees your joint lives as his decision…

I didn’t say that, my question is am I wrong to be upset by the attitude that “he puts food in my mouth” therefore I don’t need gifts?

apologies if that wasn’t clear from the post.

What is his "love language"?

I think you need to explain this concept to him.

Well I suppose this depends on a lot of things.

Being the sole financial provider is a stress, and whether it’s unreasonable to expect gifts depends on the money involved

If my husband was earning say £2000 a month and all of our household expenses/food etc came to £1800 then yes it’s unreasonable to expect gifts.

Well he sounds horrible and a shite husband to me 🤷‍♀️

Was he like this before you married?

Not clear whether the issue is just the presents and he's lovely in other ways, or whether the presents are the tip of the iceberg. From the "food in your mouth" comment I suspect the latter.

Haha been there done that, he thinks it’s a load of crap 🤣

Love languages are nonsense, nearly everyone needs a little bit of each : love language " so please don't play into that crap because invariably it ends up with the majority of men claiming " touch" is their love language meaning sex and using as a stick to beat women with.

Op no YANBU to feel unloved and upset that your husband thinks putting food in your mouth is a decent enough way to treat you.
The fact he said this is shocking and I'd think carefully about how this man would be in any hardships of life such as you being very ill at any point or pregnancy and childbirth.

I would be very upset.

I always made clear to my ExH that my birthday mattered to me and he should at a minimum get me a card.

If he won't do what is important to you and worse dismisses it because he is temporarily the sole earner then he's not a keeper,

Don't have a child with this man and look at your relationship.

I completely get that.

I don’t think I’d ever ask for anything we (he) couldn’t afford. For context, the gift I asked for was around £150.
Our bills and other expenses come to around 1/3 of his take home pay, so it was definitely affordable.

Presumably you had Birthdays etc. before you married him, so knew that this is how he behaved around them.

If that wasn't acceptable to you, then why did you marry him?

But what about savings?

As the sole earner having savings is really important, if he loses his job you’ve all got nothing. If we were a one income household I think we’d be very sparing with non essential purchases because circumstances can change really quickly and I’d want to be sure we had a decent buffer.

Gifts are one of those things that can’t be forced.

I think what always comes over OP in threads such as yours - and there have been quite a few similar ones- is that the DW or partner makes it very clear how much even a card or small gift or outing would mean to her. And in most cases it would take the minimum of effort/ time/money to do something that would mean an awful lot to his DW or partner.
But the man can't even be bothered to do anything to make the woman he is supposed to love happy.

Often it comes over as actually vindictiveness or a power thing: the refusal do a small thing for his wife or partner to enhance their life.

So yes I think you are right to be upset about this as your happiness doesn't feature in his list of priorities.

What a joyful life. I don’t understand why the effort can’t be put in to be honest. We do things to help brighten each others special occasions up surely, life is hard enough! Anyone refuses to do it is fucking lazy!

Your husband is a prick. A card and a bunch of flowers would go far. Even if he doesn’t think they are important, you clearly do and have told him so. If he loved you, he’d make an effort. You’re hardly asking for the world.

As for the comment about putting food in your mouth - I’d kick him out just for that. What a dick.

It's only on MN people say that birthdays, anniversaries etc aren't important . Irl nobody thinks that. Everybody appreciates a card at minimum. Dh and i always celebrate Birthdays, Anniversaries Valentines day, Christmas and other celebrations. He's a very thoughtful always buying me a card, cake, gifts etc abd I do the same. However, Dh was like that from the start. I don't understand why women expect men who presumably have always deemed celebrating anything unimportant to suddenly change.

You are not wrong. Making it about gifts misses the point. He speaks to you as if you are the shit on his shoe. ‘I put food in your mouth’ like you’re some kind of servant. NO.

The first thing I’d be doing is realising that I needed my own income and career and that being in a ‘partnership’ with a man like this, where a wanker holds the financial cards, is an awful position to be in. If it turned out that I couldn’t be in the UK where I didn’t even want to be (!) and work, I’d wave goodbye to the prick and go home.

I grew up in a family that loves giving cards, gifts, and other tokens of appreciation. Not expensive presents or grand gestures, just a little, "hey, I love you" for birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, etc.

DP and his family are NOT like this - at all. It caused both of us so much grief at the beginning of the relationship because I was constantly hurt and disappointed, and he simply couldn't understand why I was so upset. Like your DH, his thought process was, "but I did xyz for you, and you're upset about not getting some necklace!?" Although he fortunately never put it as crudely as "putting food in my mouth," he did very much see presents as superfluous and meaningless compared to the "real" support we gave each other.

What changed my view was (1) realising that his family are simply not gift givers and that this was the template he grew up with - nothing to do with me or our relationship, and (2) he genuinely hated it when I'd give him presents - he never wanted the present, he wanted me to take the car for an MOT, declutter the shoe cabinet, or help him with a pitch for work (in the same way that he's helped me with any number of practical things). To him, this is showing love, not a necklace or a new tie.

Nonetheless, we've now come to an agreement that is somewhat unromantic but better than before: I just tell him exactly what I want, send him the link or tell him which shop to go to, and when the big day comes, pass go and collect £200.

Don't get me wrong, it does still annoy me sometimes, but I've learned that it's not a mark of disrespect.

So you moved countries for him and he can’t be fucked to buy you a birthday card? He’s a selfish cunt isn’t he, the food in your mouth comment is vile. You seem to be in a vulnerable position by leaving work when he has that attitude.