Am I asking too much from DH?

[Amiaskingtoomuch]

My husband and I have been together for five years, married for two.

Every argument we have centers on me feeling he doesn’t make enough of an effort, especially around special occasions. I’ve repeatedly asked for at least a card on birthdays, Christmas, and anniversaries, but he dismisses this as childish and unnecessary.

For our first anniversary, I planned everything—a card, gift, and a special dinner on holiday. He brought nothing, saying he thought he might find a card at the airport. When I asked why he didn’t just buy one beforehand, he got annoyed, insisting “it’s just a card.”

When we made plans for celebrating our anniversary this year he asked me what I would like and I asked for a specific gift, he asked me where he could get it and I gave him a list of options. Our anniversary has just passed and of course I received nothing, I reminded him of the discussion a few months ago and asked him why he didn’t buy it, again he dismissed it, saying he “puts food in my mouth, so he doesn’t need to buy me presents.” There was also a similar attitude on my birthday.

I should add, we have moved to the UK for his job which earns quite good money (I never wanted to live in the UK) and in the last few months I have quit my job to retrain for a career that better suits our future plans, so he is currently the sole earner.

Am I wrong to feel that his attitude is hurtful? Or because he does put the food on the table is it wrong for me to also expect occasional romance and gifts?

I would appreciate any advice given.

God, I love all the people on these threads who come on to say that if someone isn't a gift giver, it's unreasonable to expect them to be one and to 'look at other ways they show love'
Surely showing your love is a balance of what you AND the other individual you are in a relationship with want/need, as if you insist on only 'showing love' in your own way, and not one that even compromises towards how the other person feels loved, then couldn't that other person just be literally anyone off the street to you? You are meant to love someone as an individual with their own hopes dreams and desires, and if you don't treat someone like they are, or recognise it but don't want to, then why bother being with that person at all?
Honestly, I read these things sometimes and people will come up with stuff like 'i like sausage rolls, so he will always grab me one from the shop, but he's not a card giver, so I love cards and he knows that but he's never bought me one because he doesn't see the point, so I've accepted that' THERE IS LITERALLY NO DIFFERENCE.
I absolutely do not understand why people accept this - it always ends up with things like 'he shows/receive love as XXX and I show/receive as YYY.... so we do XXX'
It's a £2 card. I cannot fathom missing out on the opportunity to make my partner feel loved, if what makes THEM feel loved is a £2 card, even if I don't see the point in them.

This!!

Gifts etc just aren't his thing, OP. And if you are asking for specific things, that's actually offputting and the gift is worthless as not freely and spontaneously given. I feel a bit sorry for your husband, tbh.

Why did you settle for a man like this?

If he was like this before marriage then you knew what you were getting and it's unreasonable to think he'd change or be upset because he hasn't changed.

If he used to buy presents but now does not, then you have an issue in your marriage that needs to be resolved.

Some people aren't good at gifts, cards etc - but it feels like more of an attitude thing; 'I put food on the table so that's all I need to do' is shit.
Basic problem: No respect or care.
Sorry to say it but without those, you've got problems

' he puts food in your mouth '

WOW you being the person that has relocated for HIS job, you being the person that is now dependant on him because of the relocation

I suppose he puts the clothes on your back too - or has he not used that line yet ?

please do not have children with this person that thinks he owns you.

He asked her what she wanted..... and then failed to get it, her husband isn't the one that needs sympathy.

@Amiaskingtoomuch what was he like prior to marriage?? I’m intrigued…

It's not that he doesn't "do" gifts and cards, that's just the outward show. It's what he is like on the inside that counts.
We've been married over 40 years- DH doesn't "do" cards either- and he's not at all bothered if he doesn't get any. However- he has never, ever, not once made a remark like "I put the food in your mouth so I don't have to get you presents ".
I know that he is there for me, whatever happens. When I was a sahm, when either of us were ill, when hard times hit, whatever he's my rock, we sort it out together. That's what being married, being in love looks like.

So, leaving aside the card, what is he like?

I think he is very much used to things being done his way agd can’t see why he should be making g any effort for you.

Ok so he doesn’t see the point of gifts. But you do. You told him it’s I portant to you. If he cared, he would have made an effort?

Just like you came to the U.K. because he cared about that job (and that’s despite you not wanting to live in the U.K. in the first place)

Just like you are retraining so it fits with ‘your future plans’ which im pretty sure are driven by him or fit him well.

He sounds like someone who is happay to ‘make an effort’ when it suits him rather than what fits the person.

My own experience is that the way a man is befire marriage might not say a lot about how he will be when married.
And says even less about how he will behave when children come along.

My dh regressed more and more into time at each step.

Why is this an issue now after you have married?
Has he changed?
If not then it seems a bit silly to expect him to be someone he never was.
Don't get pregnant if you are not happy.

saying he “puts food in my mouth, so he doesn’t need to buy me presents
That’s an incredibly nasty thing to say and your problems with him clearly go beyond birthday cards. Plenty of husbands are sole earners and enjoy buying their wives cards and gifts.
He’s showing contempt towards you and I’d be concerned about how it will manifest in other ways.

@ComingBackHome i agree! As a separated woman I totally understand, I’m still intrigued 😅

I feel this!!! It's really hard to deal with sometimes, especially in the throes of postpartum.

Yes, this.
Single life is fantastic, as well.
Why bother?
Puts food in your mouth? Better off without.
🤢

I'm assuming you guys have a decent relationship otherwise. But he sounds like he doesn't take you seriously (because he doesn't agree with what you're saying) and he has a 'cba' attitude towards how you feel about this. To me, that signals a bigger issue - he knows he can get away with making you feel like this.

What your DH and my stupid DH need to understand is, if they TRIED to understand even an ounce of what we're feeling or even try to make an effort, that would mean so much to us and that bare minimum would be enough. We likely wouldn't want more. Men are thick.

If 'being a cunt' is one of the love languages, then I think that's his.

I can't wait to see what he'll be like as a parent!

@mentallllload @LifesAContradiction It's important to distinguish between desire and ability.
My husband wants to make me happy. But buying surprise 'thoughtful gifts' for me is hard because I'm very fussy and usually buy what I want ASAP. I'm the higher earner anyway.
So I have to 'give' him a list, which he buys off. It kinda annoys me actually because I don't like waiting for things.. when I want something I want it like ASAP but oh well 😂

If I wanted a card and flowers every year he'd do that. But I don't. I remember one year he forgot to do anything and I was so upset... It was clear he felt guilty.

OPs husband fails at the first hurdle. He doesn't even WANT to make her happy. He doesn't see why he should!

In 2024 this is so easy, he could even have a standing order for a card and flowers every year, basic things. There's no need to make excuses
He simply can't be arsed. OP isn't asking for anything complicated.

OP if this is the 'only' thing you argue about you're doing well. But I'll wager if he thinks that you don't need to be wooed anymore... It comes out in other ways.

He is selfish and doesn't care that he hurts you. What's the point of him? You can be far happier on your own and investing in your friendships and people who actually give a shit about you. Don't settle for this!

Sorry for the delayed responses, I put the phone down to study.

Prior to the marriage, I did get gifts on birthdays, however, I think there was less effort made each year.

I have just ventured downstairs to make a cup of tea, it's his day off and I have noticed he hasn't made himself something to eat all day, - maybe it's me who puts food in his mouth? 😂

Gift giving is not (should not be) about money spent, it is quite literally “a thought that counts”. So, if the money is problem, you can always get something cheap, make something or do something for your partner. Saying, I already put food in your mouth, is… disgusting, I am sorry, but that is how I feel. Those are not the words of a loving husband and I would be rally upset about this. My ex was also struggling with gift giving. He told me that his family was not big on gift giving and that is where it came from. He would give me gifts on major holidays, but it would often be something that he likes, or thinks I should like. I know, it’s hilarious!!!

However, he would never gift me something “for no reason”. Like, a bar of chocolate that I like or a flower, something like that, just to show me he was thinking of me. You know. I realized that he is like that and would never change. Of course, this was not why I left him in the end, but his whole persona was off-putting, to be honest, so I am thinking your husband is probably similar. This thing with gifts is probably just a tip of an iceberg.Sorry OP.

And no YANBU at all.

You're mistaken, DP. His brother and one of DP's friends believe that hallmark days are self-indulgent nonsense. Nevertheless, all three of them make an effort to buy gifts and surprises for their partners. Although if you ask DP he still says publicly that everything from Xmas, birthdays, and Halloween is a load of horse-dung.

My Dad is one of those people that thinks that celebrating birthdays is ridiculous.

He describes it as a waste of money commemorating a basically arbitrary day. He doesn’t understand national pride either as your nationality is accidental of birth too.