Am I asking too much from DH?

[Amiaskingtoomuch]

My husband and I have been together for five years, married for two.

Every argument we have centers on me feeling he doesn’t make enough of an effort, especially around special occasions. I’ve repeatedly asked for at least a card on birthdays, Christmas, and anniversaries, but he dismisses this as childish and unnecessary.

For our first anniversary, I planned everything—a card, gift, and a special dinner on holiday. He brought nothing, saying he thought he might find a card at the airport. When I asked why he didn’t just buy one beforehand, he got annoyed, insisting “it’s just a card.”

When we made plans for celebrating our anniversary this year he asked me what I would like and I asked for a specific gift, he asked me where he could get it and I gave him a list of options. Our anniversary has just passed and of course I received nothing, I reminded him of the discussion a few months ago and asked him why he didn’t buy it, again he dismissed it, saying he “puts food in my mouth, so he doesn’t need to buy me presents.” There was also a similar attitude on my birthday.

I should add, we have moved to the UK for his job which earns quite good money (I never wanted to live in the UK) and in the last few months I have quit my job to retrain for a career that better suits our future plans, so he is currently the sole earner.

Am I wrong to feel that his attitude is hurtful? Or because he does put the food on the table is it wrong for me to also expect occasional romance and gifts?

I would appreciate any advice given.

Aw I feel for you. My husband is very good at these things but it wasn't always like this. When my kids were young, he rarely acknowledged birthdays, anniversaries, mothers day etc. It really really bothered me when I was young. I used to tell him how I felt but it made no difference really. I decided to look at all the other things my husband was doing and really I decided that was his love language. He was doing far more than any other husband or dad I knew at the time, he was just a practical person instead of a romantic one. Plus I also realised it wasn't something he grew up with either. I felt bad at times for my kids....I thought at the time they would have enjoyed writing a card for me, being involved in mothers day etc, but I decided not to force what wasn't there.

Just to put another spin on it, I worked with a lady once who came into the staff room really upset that her husband had forgotten their anniversary. A much younger colleague was really confused. I don't agree with how she put it at the time and in the situation, but I've thought about what she said many times. She asked her colleague was like her anniversary just hers? Was it a game to try and see if her husband remembered? Was it to try and catch her husband out? Why wouldn't they discuss it together, why wouldnt they book somewhere together,why wouldnt they discuss it together? As I say I've thought about this many times. Although at the time I thought "out of the mouth of babes🤔😳🥴". But I must admit deep within me, it must have struck a chord, because I remember it. Somewhere along the line, I must have brought up our anniversary for "things to change". I must have said weeks or months ahead, shall we book somewhere here or there, shall we do this or that. And I guess in turn that's prompted my husband to be reminded about it. I guess maybe that's why we have "better anniversaries " these days. Although after saying all of that, we don't send each other cards anymore...my husband will always "take me out" for lunch or dinner, he will always now buy me a piece of jewellery as long as I pick it, so granted its fairly easy for him. But that's a lot compared to when we were younger.

Whether or not he is “a gift giver”, his wife has made it clear that she likes her birthday to be marked with cards and gifts. That he refuses to offer one and in fact gets angry with her about it is a red flag for me. What else does he get to decide for her that her view on it just doesn’t matter??

I just wanted to update that we finally spoke, I told him I understand that I’m not perfect but I think he’s lost a lot of respect for me, even though I feel that I’ve sacrificed a lot. That I am grateful for all he does and the life we have but that his comment about putting food in my mouth is unacceptable and that I can’t forgive it. He didn’t try and defend it, just acted sad (but he does this when I say somethings upset me) and he did apologise.

I’ve told him I want my independence back and will be putting my studies on hold to go back to work and that he can do everything for himself going forward because I feel unappreciated for the contributions I make, not everything is about money . I never want to feel vulnerable like I have done the last couple of days. We do have savings but I would rather not use them for day to day living.

I really appreciate all the advice and shared experiences.

Well done OP.
No matter what happens your financial independence will give you a way out no matter how this develops.
Best of luck.

@Amiaskingtoomuch that was very clear and to the point
I love how you said you wanted your independence back and to never be feeling as vulnerable as you have.

Well done
Hope things will settle down in the right direction for you.

This. He doesnt see the point of cards, but op does. He is an arse. It is a power trip.

I’m one of those who is like your DH - I really don’t see the fuss about cards. It’s literally a piece of paper to me. I don’t really know when any of our special dates are - to me, they don’t matter because what’s important is everyday and how our relationship is all the time. I will occasionally treat my DH but not because it’s a certain date - but because I love him and know it’s been a busy week or he’s done something exceptional etc etc. Does your partner show he loves you in other ways? The food in your mouth comment makes me think there’s more to this aswell as that isn’t a nice/loving comment. He sounds resentful.

How does your husband feel about birthday and anniversary gifts and cards?

He 'puts food in your mouth' ?! What are you, a bloody pet?
If he doesn't care about cards and presents and birthdays then fine for him to not receive them. You have told him clearly that being acknowledged on these days is important to you and he just doesn't care. He knows it is making you hurt and upset and doesn't care.

This really isn't about the presents, this is about a useless and unkind DH.
A card and some care and attention would cost virtually nothing but effort and he can't even manage that, this isn't about wasting money, it's about him not thinking you are worth the effort.
I'm sorry but you are definitely not being unreasonable and unless he has some redeeming qualities you haven't mentioned I would be making exit plans. Can you imagine having children or being ill and vulnerable with this man?

I'd quit doing anything that makes him feel special/happy (whatever that may be) since he can't be bothered to make that kind of effort for you.

And no...it doesn't matter if he's main provider right now. What has that got to do with making each other happy? Does he just view relationships as transactional and everything is to be just as he likes with no regard for you?

He sounds like a crap husband.

Did his family do cards and presents for him? Is it a cultural thing? Maybe he just doesn’t see the importance. Could you plan something to do together so you’re on the same page. That way no one is disappointed. And stop buying him a card!

You are not wrong to be upset. He sounds very selfish. Cards etc aren't a big deal but they are clearly important to you so what does he care more about? He should absolutely care for you and your feelings and buy you a card. It's mean.

I’ve repeatedly asked for at least a card on birthdays, Christmas, and anniversaries, but he dismisses this as childish and unnecessary.

Who put him in charge of the world? What gives him the right to dismiss your concerns as unnecessary? He sounds like an arrogant prick who doesn’t like you.

I don’t care much about cards or presents myself. But I make sure I give them to my husband, and I’m happy to receive them. It’s just one of the ways we show our love.

You are not wrong, cards would not bother me but the lack of effort to buy a present and telling me he puts food in my mouth would bother me

I would leave and either go back home or somewhere else and tell him our marriage is over.
He has a lack of respect and regard for you.

I'm surprised by some of the responses on here - I don't think you are at all unreasonable! Most people do mark special occasions of loved ones with cards / gifts / surprise parties / days out... Even those who aren't "into" gift giving, should appreciate that most other people are, and make a bit of an effort if the other person has said about it, surely?

I wouldn't like the comment about "putting food on the table" either - it smacks of resentment, and the fact you should somehow be grateful - yuck! Like nothing you do matters or contributes.

It's probably a bit childish, but seeing as how you've already tried talking, I'd stop doing anything thoughtful for him, and when he mentions it, say "It's JUST such and such. I've ALREADY DONE x y z, so I shouldn't have to do whatever it is"! Until he understands how it feels. Like, for any little "extras" you do just out of love, like cooking his favourite dinner for example, or if ever you go to a certain bakery to pick up a particular cake he likes. Make sure you're treating yourself nicely too, whilst he isn't! Rather than doing whatever you usually do for him, do something for yourself instead!

He puts food in your mouth? Wow. He's a classy guy.

I don't get these replies. Even if I wasn't a gift giver then I would make the effort if it mattered to my partner because I love him and want him to be happy. You told him what to get and where to get it from and he still didn't bother. Then when you told him you were upset he said he puts food in your mouth so stop moaning basically.

How dare he. Wow, what an outstanding partner making sure the person he loves has food. That is the very basic thing you do for your loved ones. I also don't like how he is holding you temporarily not working over your head. That is not the sign of a good person.

Look, he is never going to make any effort. He doesn't care about how that makes you feel. He thinks you should be grateful for him giving you food when the idea is you support each other when needed. It takes two minutes to order something on amazon too, you can even get it gift wrapped.

It is up to you if he is good enough in other ways to make up for this, but I would be done. I don't care if some find that ridiculous. I really despair sometimes at how little people say you can expect from a partner. Just because you don't care about birthdays or gifts, doesn't mean others shouldn't.

Good job OP!

Well done OP.
Not a man to have children with.
What he said was nasty and humiliating.
He clearly has zero regard or respect for you.
Think long and hard about your future because I would be done.
His mask has well and truly dropped.
Certainly not a man to be following about either.

He can stretch to a card..... seriously

Well done. You are absolutely right. I hope he respects what you've said.

Tell him you don't think sex is all that necessary, and you put food in his mouth (cook), and so you don't need to provide sex as well.

Looks like this thread was the nudge you needed to really think things through.
You've made the right decision, and I really like the language you used to explain your decision.
Stay strong.