Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriends adhd is becoming a problem

63 replies

ForPeachNewt · 28/10/2024 14:57

Hi, I'm 30. My partner is also 30, we have a 10 month old baby together. We do not live together, I have my own home with the baby.

So I'm going to give a few examples of why his adhd is starting to bother me, and these are also reasons why I really am not ready for him to live with me.

Always in and our of jobs (9/10 its his fault he loses the job due to his attitude/answering back)

Absolutley terrible with money management. He could have £50 to last him 3 week and he will spend it down the pub.. or even taking the baby and me and for food or something that we didn't HAVE to do (also I don't know it's his last 50 when I agree to go out)

Tells me he's bored over and over

If he has a day off work expects to tag along with my plans, coffee dates/soft play with the kids.

Has all these big ideas that never happen.

Gets into small debts because of his amazing ideas but not amazing amount of funds

Constantly rushes me when I'm getting ready because he doesn't like sitting around waiting. I never get to really doll myself up because im walking on eggs shells trying to get ready asap

Starts huffing and muttering under his breath when we have go to wait anywhere (restaurants etc)

Insists on tagging along to shops with me but makes it so un-enjoyable because he clearly wants to get out of there

These are just a few examples of his behaviour

I'm really struggling with it and more so since having a baby, I feel like I have 2 children. The one I expect to cater for but not my boyfriend.

It's also starting to really turn me off him. He's also needy and clingy at the same time.im just starting to look at him differently.. like he's not man enough for me anymore

What do I do guys how do I go about this, because as it is now I can't ever see me wanting him to move in or progress onto marriage etc with him

OP posts:
SauviGone · 28/10/2024 15:02

I can't ever see me wanting him to move in or progress onto marriage etc with him

Good.

Apply through CMS for maintenance so his money management issues don’t affect you.

As it stands it sounds like ending the relationship should be relatively simple. Just tell him it’s over.
Job done.

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 28/10/2024 15:06

You've got the ick, my friend...and i think it's a one way street.

IfYouLook · 28/10/2024 15:07

And yet you chose to create a child with him and be linked to him for the rest of your life?

ConiferBat · 28/10/2024 15:08

What does he do to help regulate his ADHD?

You're not his Mummy & it's not your job to entertain & pacify him.

Original poster
ForPeachNewt · 28/10/2024 15:09

ConiferBat · 28/10/2024 15:08

What does he do to help regulate his ADHD?

You're not his Mummy & it's not your job to entertain & pacify him.

Absolutely nothing! Doesn't even take medication for it

OP posts:
Gonk123 · 28/10/2024 15:10

How long have you been together? Was he like this before baby? Have you discussed any of this with him?

Original poster
ForPeachNewt · 28/10/2024 15:10

IfYouLook · 28/10/2024 15:07

And yet you chose to create a child with him and be linked to him for the rest of your life?

I sure did and I'll never regret my beautiful daughter

OP posts:
loropianalover · 28/10/2024 15:10

The fact you’ve birthed his baby and he hasn’t seen fit to take control/regulate his ADHD or even try… yikes. Is he not embarrassed to not live with and provide for his partner and kid?

username1478 · 28/10/2024 15:11

OP I'm assuming he's always been like this and now that you have a baby it's become intolerable. It's unlikely to change so I would have a clean break and try to co parent well.

Original poster
ForPeachNewt · 28/10/2024 15:12

Gonk123 · 28/10/2024 15:10

How long have you been together? Was he like this before baby? Have you discussed any of this with him?

Been together 3 years, I think it's only started to bother me now since becoming parents and actually wanting more out of the relationship.

Before our daughter we were just having fun nothing was serious.

OP posts:
Ezekiela · 28/10/2024 15:14

IfYouLook · 28/10/2024 15:07

And yet you chose to create a child with him and be linked to him for the rest of your life?

Really not helpful. The OP can't turn the clock back.

This isn't AIBU, it's Relationships, where people come to get support. If you can't be supportive, walk away.

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 28/10/2024 15:15

I have ADHD, take meds and would still do most of those things.

Dweetfidilove · 28/10/2024 15:18

He sounds exhausting, so I can understand why you're struggling.
You don't have to live with him. I certainly wouldn't live with a man who can't even keep a job.
Just co-parent as best you can.

ConiferBat · 28/10/2024 15:19

loropianalover · 28/10/2024 15:10

The fact you’ve birthed his baby and he hasn’t seen fit to take control/regulate his ADHD or even try… yikes. Is he not embarrassed to not live with and provide for his partner and kid?

Agree.

If he can't be arsed to help himself after the arrival of his daughter, then he's no intention of changing.

It's up to you if you accept an unemployable & irritable man as a life partner.

Ezekiela · 28/10/2024 15:22

OP, your post seems very familiar. Have you written about him before? If not, there's another MNetter in exactly your situation. DP tags along to baby groups etc when he's not working, but refuses to take the baby to the group by himself to give the mum a break.

If he won't help himself and won't take his medication, it's time for some tough love from you. You can't fix him and you don't have to put up with him ruining all your days out etc. He has no respect for you so you need to get your self-respect back. Either he sorts himself out or he steps away.

Original poster
ForPeachNewt · 28/10/2024 15:30

Ezekiela · 28/10/2024 15:22

OP, your post seems very familiar. Have you written about him before? If not, there's another MNetter in exactly your situation. DP tags along to baby groups etc when he's not working, but refuses to take the baby to the group by himself to give the mum a break.

If he won't help himself and won't take his medication, it's time for some tough love from you. You can't fix him and you don't have to put up with him ruining all your days out etc. He has no respect for you so you need to get your self-respect back. Either he sorts himself out or he steps away.

No I've never posted on here before x

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 28/10/2024 15:34

I'm sure I've read this before.

Anyway, you can end a relationship for any reason, so if it's not working for you call it a day.

HoppyFish · 28/10/2024 15:47

Has he had a proper ADHD diagnosis?

MrSeptember · 28/10/2024 15:50

Well, I can't tell if these are ADHD behaviours or just wanker-man behaviours. It make sme quite uncomfortable that he doesn't seem to ever want you to be alone while out and about. That's quite controlling - is he worried you'll meet someone else or is he just desperately needy and needs your 100% attention 100% of the time as otherwise he feels depressed/lacks confidence etc?

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 28/10/2024 15:51

If he has a day off work expects to tag along with my plans, coffee dates/soft play with the kids.

what kids (plural)?

KingOfPeace · 28/10/2024 15:57

It sounds like your relationship has run it's course but if you want to see if it can continue you need to establish boundaries.

Have a proper conversation where you tell him you are becoming uncomfortable with meeting his needs and so you will tell him when you need something. Then you say ' I said I'd be ready at 7pm so stop rushing me ', 'no you can't come in my coffee date', 'please stop saying you're bored', etc. You are entitled to have your needs met too.

If this works you may be happy to continue with him as your boyfriend. Do not let him move in, don't get financially involved, ensure he pays you child maintenance as soon as he gets paid.

If you have the energy you could offer to help him with budgeting or job issues but I can't imagine you do.

Enjoy your little one and take care of your and her first and foremost.

Original poster
ForPeachNewt · 28/10/2024 16:05

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 28/10/2024 15:51

If he has a day off work expects to tag along with my plans, coffee dates/soft play with the kids.

what kids (plural)?

Me and my friend will take MY baby and her 2 children out for a few hours

I only have the one child

OP posts:
Original poster
ForPeachNewt · 28/10/2024 16:07

HoppyFish · 28/10/2024 15:47

Has he had a proper ADHD diagnosis?

Yes when he was a teenager. He was on meds for it years ago but he chose to stop them in his 20s

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 28/10/2024 16:12

You're not into him anymore. Understandable.

You can leave anyone for any reason you like.

Good luck getting child support though.

redannie18 · 28/10/2024 16:15

You can’t do anything aside from hold your boundaries. Think about how you want you and your kids life to be to make it easy for you and don’t let him interfere with that. Do not move him in!

Swipe left for the next trending thread