My boyfriends adhd is becoming a problem

[ForPeachNewt]

Hi, I'm 30. My partner is also 30, we have a 10 month old baby together. We do not live together, I have my own home with the baby.

So I'm going to give a few examples of why his adhd is starting to bother me, and these are also reasons why I really am not ready for him to live with me.

Always in and our of jobs (9/10 its his fault he loses the job due to his attitude/answering back)

Absolutley terrible with money management. He could have £50 to last him 3 week and he will spend it down the pub.. or even taking the baby and me and for food or something that we didn't HAVE to do (also I don't know it's his last 50 when I agree to go out)

Tells me he's bored over and over

If he has a day off work expects to tag along with my plans, coffee dates/soft play with the kids.

Has all these big ideas that never happen.

Gets into small debts because of his amazing ideas but not amazing amount of funds

Constantly rushes me when I'm getting ready because he doesn't like sitting around waiting. I never get to really doll myself up because im walking on eggs shells trying to get ready asap

Starts huffing and muttering under his breath when we have go to wait anywhere (restaurants etc)

Insists on tagging along to shops with me but makes it so un-enjoyable because he clearly wants to get out of there

These are just a few examples of his behaviour

I'm really struggling with it and more so since having a baby, I feel like I have 2 children. The one I expect to cater for but not my boyfriend.

It's also starting to really turn me off him. He's also needy and clingy at the same time.im just starting to look at him differently.. like he's not man enough for me anymore

What do I do guys how do I go about this, because as it is now I can't ever see me wanting him to move in or progress onto marriage etc with him

what happens when you say, "No, I don't want you to come to softplay. We're hanging out and catching up".

Doe she ever do anything with the baby alone?

I remember your last thread as well as everyone telling you to dump him as he will never become a decent parent or partner. He's still useless and yet you remained with him, why?

Huh? I haven't posted before

He has abit of a hissy fit, says I put everyone else before him

But yes he does sometimes take baby out alone, but always wants me to join

Not sure what you are really asking here.
You had a baby with someone ‘you were having fun with, nothing serious’.
So - he continues to be that.

Hw was always not careful with money and barely employed. Not sure what you expected to change or what advice you are looking for.

As your Dd growing up a bit - observe her as ADHD runs in the family. And hopefully, if she inherited it - you can help her manage it better.

'But yes he does sometimes take baby out alone, but always wants me to join'
Well that's not really alone is it. What happens if you say you want to go out shopping on your own while he looks after the baby for the afternoon?

For as long as he's refusing to act like an adult and take responsibility for himself and getting something for his symptoms, he doesn't get to be in an adult relationship and certianly doesn't get to dictate to you whether you go shopping in peace or not. There's ADHD and then there's just needy, feckless idiocy. If you need to do things alone because he doesn't know how to behave, you tell him that. He sounds like a PITA who needs a stern talking to. But as PP have said, you're not his mother so don't let yourself be forced into that role.

It really is the split of another thread recently.

NEVER EVER allow him to move in to your home.
EVER.

End the relationship and raise your standards.

LTB he is absolutely useless and quite selfish.

I know people with adhd who run their homes well, hold down high status jobs and bring up their family -oh and without medication.

And some autistic people are geniuses who earn millions and have a photographic memory. Just because one person with ASD/ADHD can manage certain things doesn't mean another must be able to as well.

For good or bad OP, he is who he is - and it doesn't sound like you like who he is. This was only really meant to be a bit of fun by the sounds of it and it seems he is really quite impacted by his ADHD, which all his behaviour sounds pretty typical of.

Just end it kindly and start working out how you coparent your daughter.

Clearly her bf isn’t one of them. She’s tied to him forever through the kid, best to leave it at that.

He may well have adhd. But this isn’t adhd. This is just jealous, needy, controlling behaviour.

The prisons are also full of men with ADHD. Is he doing really well or really poorly? Depends.

I hold down a job with ADHD. But the house would be a tip without DH.

Your post implies I choose those. I don't. It's not just a case of deciding not to have symptoms.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5180496-bored-boyfriend-expects-me-to-entertain-him?page=1

I suspect this is the thread that a couple of posters have referred to - it is remarkably similar.

If he has a day off work expects to tag along with my plans, coffee dates/soft play with the kids.

Why wouldn't he want to spend his free time with his child?

Wow, she's living my life

He's more than welcome to, but monday-friday he is ment to be in work. So I make plans for the next week with friends and baby groups etc and surprise surprise he's lost his job and my whole life has to change

He sounds extremely irritating and you haven’t mentioned any redeeming features (I have ADHD also and I’m quite bad at dealing with money/waiting/mood swings etc too but hopefully I have some redeeming features that actually make me an asset to my partners life). I’m also not sure the clinginess is ADHD related 🫤. It sounds as if he is just draining you and in no way trying to help himself. I would get rid and I wouldn’t even feel bad 🤷‍♀️

And a not too dissimilar username, too.

It's clear that other poster is you @ForPeachNewt (on @25thCenturyQuaker's post at 20.01) You even have a very similar username. Posting style is identical and the scenario the the same.

You posted the exact same scenario on 5th October, and got some good advice and useful responses. What do you hope to achieve by reposting the same dilemma 3 weeks later?

Fact is this man is no good for you. He's in and out of jobs, he acts like a child in many ways (getting bored easily,) and he's attention seeking, childish, and not a good support for you. As pps said do NOT let him move in with you! Start to forge a life as a single mother. Better single than stuck with a loser like him.

Dump him, not because he has ADHD but because hes a useless Arsehole.
And yes, it does all sound very familiar

So what if she has posted before…what does it matter?

I didn’t read your examples because they really don’t matter.

The ADHD isn’t going anywhere. He can’t change. It’s for you to decide whether you can live with it.